I've never gone 99% on anything and I think I'm awesome

Update on product try outs: Vega Berry flavour - not great, no. Four O'clock tea Blue Lagoon flavour, not a fan. Cult sounding "Nature's Gate" henna shampoo and conditioner.. so far really shiny :) I made sure not to use any other hair after-product to get a real result.

Wow I can't wait to get a hair cut. Oh and by the way, the sun totally said screw you to my brown hair and now it's some kind of sandy colour.. which I kinda like actually, but in case the cottage pictures made you wonder if I lied about dying it again - I didn't.

So we're taking my Dad to Whole Foods this weekend.. let me tell you right now, he is going to freak out! and it will be awesome. I'm also going to try and ignore the near-high I get from shopping there and just try a few more products to see what I like. I really don't think I'm going to get out of there without the glass bottled milk ... but I'll try. Also I forgot to mention, even though I did not purchase it, that Montfort's Restaurants now sells their Hummus etc. spreads at Whole Foods and it's wicked shit fucking awesome. We just walked by and ate a bunch of it but walked out without any even though Sean also loved it as much as me or more.. because for $8 I have to consider how much/what "spread" means to me. Same thing with those SIGG Swiss water bottles... really awesome, but $30 is looking really adorable in my pocket, hiding, bargaining with me for it's little life.

For that I could buy a year of pro Flickr, which I just did, since my Pro will run out in 2 days. Best purchase by far! So thanks to Rob again who got me onto it.


While I'm in the reviewing mood, I also feel like I absolutely must warn the public on the top 5 worst movies I've seen (almost seen) lately:

1. The Scorpion King 2. About as terrible as sleeping with your eyes open. Intense stares are so... INTENSE! Ouuu tension!
   
2. The Mummy 2. If you ignore every scene that doesn't include the Dragon Emperor plot, then it's a really great movie! If you watch the entire thing boy does it suck.
   
3. Vice. I didn't even watch past 15 mins. Micky Rourke makes me want to buy a snake and feed it lab rats that I only name Micky Rorurke.
4. Johnny Sunshine Maximum Violence. I also shut this movie off as fast as possible. I'm unsure if this is Canadian, or an actual Porno - but do not watch this ever. Ever.
5. WINNER/aka loser.
   The Lost Samaritan. I really liked Ian Somerhalder after his role on Lost, so I thought this would be a decent movie just because he's in it and it was made after Lost. Shockingly this makes my top 5 of bad movies of all time.. it's actually comedic in it's utter badness. The mere memory of the dialogue and events make me laugh hysterically but I assure you at the time I watched it I was nowhere near laughter. I wanted to shuck my own eyes out every time someone spoke. Nothing made sense about this plot whatsoever... AND I MEAN WHATSOEVER! The writers should be killed sued for even using the word "Lost" in the title... just in case it made anyone think of the show. He isn't even really LOST in the movie - the only places he visits are all familiar to him! Don't just take my word for it though... seems like at least one person agrees with me.
   
   Please watch the trailer... I just did and I've laughed so hard I may have peed 2 drops. I'm literally in tears... "funny by accident" is now my favorite emotion of all time.
   

the lost samaritan

A Whole Lot

Hey hey.

I am feeling pretty awesome after this weekend. 8.8.08 we actually celebrated Brooke's "1st anniversary of her 25th birthday" birthday, and that was a whole lot of fun craziness. We were staying at this gigantic house one of her friends, Nancy, was house sitting with all kidnds of funn crazy crap on the walls - went out to party at Zu Bar and let me tell you, that was quite a scene. No Gino face rash this time, and I rather enjoyed the crazy crap on the walls there as well to tell you the truth. We got back to the crazy huge house and Nancy made us a bunch of food, I think it included some really great cheese which I may have eaten all of. Somewhere around then I professed my undying love for all things that taste or smell like butter fried onions and sour cream.

Whatever! haha.

Anyways, if we (the msot being Brooke) didn't feel like honestly dying the next day I would have said the entire thing was fantastic. So just slightly less than fantastic. I spent the next two days biking in the thunder and hail - for fun - in an attempt to sweat the alcohol out of my body as enthusiastically and purposefully as I put it in there in the first place! For anyone in the know, in the area of Oakville was the worst hit by the storm... so it was truly a bike-venture, soaked from head to toe, hail in your eye kinda time. Then again I enjoy anything that makes me appreciate hot showers as much as that did.

We also managed to hop downtown and check out the Whole Foods Market. Didn't really expect to like anything in there, with how jacked up I heard the prices are.. but you know what, whatever that place is incredible. We literally window shopped ourselves into a fever, and decided to sit down and get something to eat before it all got out of control.

They. Have. Everything!!

Logically I know I don't need that much choice but you know, I love it! And it's all organic, non-preservative stuff that I do not mind paying a few extra dollars for, depending on what your food priorities are, you can walk away paying about as much as you do now since they have their own cheaper in-store organic 365 brand and low price locally grown stuff (and there are a lot of farms around here I enjoy buying from - side of the road or otherwise). Ya so we'll definitely be going back. Somehow we escaped with just a bag full of stuff each we wanted to try out. It took all my resolve not to buy the glass bottled milk! So you're welcome to try them out too and tell me what you thought - we bought:

1. 365 Organics Cosmic Coco Cereal
2. Soyarie Shefu Tofu bites
3. Four O'clock Tea Energy: 2 flavours Blue lagoon - Pomegranate
4. Earth Shake Chocolate Blast drink boxes
5. Vega Whole Food single snack packs: 2 flavours Chocolate - Berry
6. Nature's Gate Henna Shampoo and Conditioner
7. Natural Factors - Learning Factors DHA fatty oils blend
   (already use this, but not this brand)
   

The testing results are: the cereal is GREAT, yummy; Tofu; AWESOME FUCK YA. Pom Tea is GREAT, lots of energy; Earth Shake is alright, apparently tastes like you'd expect; Vega pack is GOOD, tastes like watered down chocolate milk with protien bar ground in. Satisfied full feeling.

Keep you up to date on the rest, I'll let the shampoo work for a week or so before I comment.

I'm Back.. Bitches?

{photo #1}

That title felt like it needed a 'bitches'.

Cottage week 2008 was great.. curious weather but basically relaxing and got to go kayaking twice. Actually I think kayaking and badminton were my favourite things to do from the whole week of cottage activites. The badminton field was a little muddy in one spot and Sean literally did this herioc dive splits.. and made the shot! SO priceless. Anna slipped once too but she hurt herself so that wasn't really funny... but her racket head flew off once and that was also priceless. Plus the trash talking, can't forget that!

Canoeing would have been up there too if Antonella hadn't wanted to beat Maria's boat so badly that she tipped us getting onto shore and the edge of the boat flipped right on my leg and cut and bruised it. It's ok though since the rest of the week I'd just randomly walk over and go "hey anyone want to see my boat bruise today?"

Little Fact: we always make everything "more intersting" in a game with penelties and prizes for the winners and losers. So you have to see it does really suck when you lose, and it's not like we weren't already competitive. For example my team lost a game of badminton and I ended up having to do 5 mins of back scratches. Then we lost a game of beach volleyball and I had to be bar bitch for Maria and Alisia for one drink. But then we won at bocce ball (represent team mean green) and Antonella and I got to hand out "anything shots"! I don't think there was a penelty for the canoe who got to shore last other than they didn't have to hear about losing from Maria, and obviously Antonella just couldn't take that! Haha.

Getting back to regular life, the extra vacation day was nice to get some stuff done - booked the photographer and got to see my dad, pretty sweet. Still getting over a few bites I have left, loving my tan, and basically wishing I could go kayaking some more. Boourns to the lake being an unreasonable drive away. Cottage pics will be on here this week... and they include fireworks!


















Oooooo.

Putting your pants away

Pausch was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in August, 2006; at the time, he and his wife had a 4-year-old, a 2-year-old and a 3-month-old baby. Pancreatic cancer has a 4% 5-year survival rate, and Randy lasted two years through sheer will and perseverance and willingness to try any treatment possible. He kept a blog detailing his health status. Its last entry was last night written by an anonymous friend saying that Randy had entered hospice. Less than an hour ago, Diane Sawyer announced on Good Morning America that Randy had passed away last night. He was 47 years old.
More information about him.

You may have seen or heard this already today, or even just remember a mention of him from my turning 26 list. Ever since I watched his Last Lecture I tried not to have any hope that he himself would survive this terrible disease. Instead I tried to think of him as the strongest supporter for his cause being the thing that will really survive about him - plus his winning personality. I really enjoyed him. And the fact of it isn't some grand thing he was doing for people (it was probably a nice bonus) but only that he tried so hard at whatever he was doing with his remaining time, for his children. This is some terrible news to sit and have your morning coffee thinking of.

I suppose on an extra personal level I'm also so sad he didn't somehow defy the odds on making it through all this - although he lasted far longer than he should have, and that is a success too. Still the fairness police in you (i.e. me) thinks he should have. He reminds me so much of someone that I knew who was probably the hardest person to let go when they passed away - just about this time of year too, albeit 9 years ago. My Dad's high school friend Eric, and Randy, had almost the same personality (goodness he made the WORST puns, all the time though) and was far too intelligent to really ever know what he was thinking about. The difference is that Eric died as a result of a car/truck collision, so he never really knew that his last few months on the planet he spent every night teaching me summer school math courses so I could sign up next year for Calculus. Ya me, ya Calculus. What a waste of time... a waste, of time. The second week of Calculus, and after I got accepted to U of T for their Commerce program - I decided hey, I don't really want to do any of this! And re-applied for English at Mac. So I literally wasted his time - it's all I could think about even though it was the right decision for me. I know he would have done so many things if he knew life was nearly done. Really he was a super interesting guy, just a month previously he went and bought himself a huge $500 African drum and set up a room to learn to jam. He and my dad also went out pick out a bike for him around that time, summertime - and he's one of the few adults I ever saw buy a helmet for themselves. I recall exactly how he was telling me if anything ever happened, that is the only thing he needed to stay safe. He was right because that's what ended up killing him - he hit his head and was basically brain dead, and there was no point in keeping him alive. Sure, I was immature at the time (and stayed that way for quite a while) so all I could think of with my dad in the police car home that night is - I wish everyone on the street was dead and could take his place. If he could come back though, right now, I might even still wish someone dead. Someone who would never use their life whatsoever, spend it on welfare, just a waste of skin who sits there and does nothing but age. That's just the fairness talking and I'm truly sorry anyone ever taught me in life things were fair. Sometimes things just happen.

I'm a bad griever, really, I'm bad at it. I'm bad at losing things. I'm bad at accepting unfulfilled plans - why is that happening? i.e. that it's not fair it's not fair sort of thing. We made a trip over to Eric's apartment that week to get his cat and other personal things my Dad wanted to remember him by, books and whatnot - I caught a glimpse of some pants he had laid out in the bathroom to wear the next day. That pretty much did it, broke my heart; and although all scars get smoother and smoother through time - that image in my mind raises all the edges up momentarily, so that they can even be felt on the outside of my chest it seems.

The thing that gets me, personally of course - as is this site is with apologies, is really this unique situation. Randy really lived his life, and in the end, learned also how to put his pants away (so to speak) so beautifully. I think I'll spend my whole life learning how to do that, and hopefully, have a sense of humor about it.


"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." — from The Last Lecture

Bonfun

Bonfun, originally uploaded by anna potatoes.

Preemptive Google Search Winner: harvey's days of thunder sunglasses


We are off to our cottage on Saturday for a week of nada, zip, sweet wonderful nothing. Well that's not entirely true, all the nothing we do is basically fun - sort of like how high school isn't really school at all, just hanging out with your friends aaaand then you get to real life. So ya that's cottage life, I cannot wait to get the hell out of here and into lots of sun/sand/beers; and apparently there have been some major additions since the new owners got there so that will be interesting for us. We're really going to miss Pat and Gary though (the old owners) we grew to love them as much as our vacation. It was sort of a highlight to hang out at the bonfire and have them come down to tell stories with us, or eat fish and wine with them, and stave off the bloodthirsty mosquitoes together etc.

Dear Jesus,

Can I please not get bit by a deer fly or whatever this year. Medical emergencies are just about the only thing I don't find quaint about cottage country. The cafe in town though, brilliant idea.

Love, Ann


Speaking of the bug situation at the cottage, I had an "incident" the other day while cleaning up the dishes. After merely two days of making food and one guest over it somehow looked like the back of a greasy spoon diner - really I don't know how. So I was loading up the dishwasher when suddenly the last dish I picked up revealed a GIANT BROWN MOTH. I suppose it's great I didn't drop the dish I was holding but not so much that my "natural" reaction is to literally flip right out and scream:

"EEEEEEEEEEEEK EEEEEEEEEEEEEK EEEEEEEEEEEK EEEEEEEEEEEEK"

Like Ned Flanders when he sees purple drapes. It was pretty funny actually so I had a nice laugh at myself. You know how they say you see what a person is really made of through tough or trying situations - well when it comes to bugs, apparently I am made of eeek.

Also looking forward to my new iPod shuffle for running while we're up there - it's so tiny - I have a thing for naming all my iPods and this one is teal so I'm calling it my iPeaPod. I love it. Sean also got me special earphones for running so they won't fall out. Already faves on my cottage running shuffle playlist:

All Good - Zeroleen
Who's Got It - illScarlett
I Kissed a Girl - Katy Perry


Man this is going to be fun. Have a great week everyone!!

I miss you, fast food - for your fastness

Well apparently the years of absolutely horrible press about KFC - and the treatment of animals etc. has finally done something in Canada and aside from better treatment in killing chickens, they're offering vegan chicken. That's totally a coincidence to my "things that look like other things" post the other day.

Really, I'm only a recent "moderate" vegetarian - so this really isn't my life's dream come to fruition but you have to admit... getting a restaurant chain like Kentucky Fried Chicken to do something like that is pretty big. Maybe someone finally explained to them that uhhh more people will eat there? I know I will definitely be trying it out and I literally never eat at KFC. Sorry, not even their with their "Taste of Asia" - marketers, really, you thought that would help? Send me to Asia, the land of the bird flu - and probably chicken pox as well. No, if you must know, KFC kinda killed it for me way back when they partnered up with Taco Bell in making me wonder if their 11 special spices were really 4 forms of grease, salt, and 6 things that rhyme with MSG. The way they treated their chickens - an extra point of argument to pick a new resturant when I'm eating out with friends.

What I really wonder is how long it will take for big business to realize they're is a whole market out there who LIVES for something, anything, tasty and vegetarian. They tell ALL their friends about it, what brand, where to buy it and they'll remember the "really awesome" veggie chicken or hamburger - or whatever fast food place they bought so and so salad at. That's quite a lot of loyalty-ready customers just sitting on an imaginary product. What, you think people suddenly LIKE cooking for themselves all the time as soon as they decide to cut back on red meat? NO. I'm not even going to pretend I'm coming from a compassionate place when I tell you my ONLY reason for being any sort of moderate vegetarian is because I plan on living for a long time - and the fact that red meat is so cheap, well, how good can that be?

That's correct, when it comes to food I change my policy completely on wanting something for practically free. What kind of cow is $10 for 5lbs of ground beef? A cow that was born with 5 legs? or it's brain on the outside of it's body? Was it fed the rejected genetically modified corn they grew to look like beefy arms? I just don't know anymore! Pass. Sure, I agree it's terrible the way chickens are treated - do I still like chicken? Yes. Will I eat it? No. Is it because I'm just sick to death over the way their little beaks are cut off? No, I'm not that imaginitive when I choose my food - but I do sit and think that if they're treated like that, and sitting in terrible conditions - it's pretty likely they will have diseases. Eating disease? Now that's a face I can put on my sandwiches!

Yeah, I'd be the person who attended a sensitivity semenar and wonder why they didn't pay for better lighting.

Maybe more fast food places can offer something like that too, you know, only if they'd like to make money. I'm not sure but people still like making money, right? Dear goodness I hope so because I'm pretty lazy, I have to say I miss fast food!

Oh, I got answers

Friday's Google Search winner: my baby got sunburned what can i do to make her feel better, google?




I'll field this one, Google, you go take a break.

Alright what you do is, how old is the baby? Well unless we're talking about a small dog (and you're crazy) we'll say this is a real baby which would logically age this sunburned wonder to less than 12 months old. Average that at 6 months for the sake of being fair and not knowing really what the hell you're talking about.. and you BURNED YOUR CHILD?? What kind of person doesn't put adequate sunscreen on their newborn?? Their skin is like kindling! And you just left her in the sun like to turn into a California raisin? Are you high? First of all, I'll recommend some Ombrelle 45spf in the future - HOWEVER for now to make her feel better I say a punch of Tylenol and a glass of wine. Alright maybe not a glass of wine.... uhhh, aloe vera, some crazy awesome moisturizer, nice cool soft clothes and stop rubbing anything on her with your grubby warm hands. That probably doesn't feel good. Stick your hands in some ice first or whatever.

Dear God,

I just plain hate cleaning. If I was meant to clean I assume you wouldn't have made me hate it so much, so I guess I'm off the hook. That's a pretty big relief so I wanted to write and say thanks a bunch!

Love, Ann

Doing things - check!

Shopping day was so much fun!! I got to sit in comfy chairs while the girls ran in and out of dressing rooms - mishaps and hilarity ensued. Oddly enough it was ME who was tired at the end of the day BUT we found dresses for all the girls. We even dropped by Andrea's dress to her Mom so she can give it to her on Saturday when she flies out there to visit. I am SO excited, they look awesome! And as always if you shop with me you'll notice I save you major cash. They just happen to just go on sale at a $100 discount! Seriously, I like getting things for as close to free as possible I was so psyched about that. Cross dresses off the list - DONE.

Oh cake is off the list too - DONE. Decided on two chocolate mocha and one tier of pumpkin spice!

The truth is I'm not really into details or planning things - I'd never make a good super organizer - it sucks the life from me to make small meticulous decisions. Or even large ugly decisions, but I rather do those. So far all this "stuff" we were too busy for hasn't been that terrible/horrific for us as we thought, aside from 'font decision 2008'. There are pretty much only a handful of things left to do, however, in case you think I enjoy blogging about it it's only that I dislike planning so much I honestly feel like breaking out the champagne every time we finish one. Haha. In fact we may have do that Friday night! Just because.

Also I am anxiously waiting for a new Pioneer Woman Black Heels chapter - should be any day! It's like crack I promise you... it's such a good story, sucks you in like a black hole of romance. The other day we had Sean's mother and her boyfriend over for coffee and she asked if we're writing our own vows. She thought that was sooooo romantic, as Sean and I both laughed heartily at the mere idea. Right, us actually writing something not meant to be funny in any way - suuure. That doesn't sound romantic at all! Yet here I am, on my toes to read more of a love saga literally titled "black heels to tractor wheels" Definitely a wtf-face on that one.. at myself!

Deviate

My Dad is a deviant artist now! He's been doing all kinds of sketches since his eye lens replacement surgery and I think they're fantastic, so I'm pimping him out if you're interested in that sort of thing. I'm pretty proud of him.


Be sure to leave a comment if you like them - he's new :)

2 :1

Google Search Winner: Hold me Retard.




+
The only thing I have scheduled for tomorrow is eating cake! Free cake!
+
This exists!? And I need that right away.



-
I fell on our weirdly paved driveway last night and sprained my foot. My neighbor who witnessed it said I was the 4th person she saw do that.

Today

Parents will pay anything if we tell them other daycares are cancer causing

Google's Daycare Debacle.

Of course when I read this I couldn't believe what they were doing; hiking employee daycare costs up 68% and suddenly people who were supposed to be benefiting from using daycare at Google, are now paying more than usual. If you read it, they aren't even adding any new "teachers" for their ratio, and also I just don't see why teachers specifically are called for on a play-based curriculum. Especially with infants and toddlers. WHAT? right. I know this is a personal issue here for me and there might be a whole bunch of retarded reasons for doing this, but I would love to be in the meeting where they came up with those numbers. $2400 a month for an infant? That is an entire $50,000 salary for someone, on one child alone? Their old ratio numbers say that one person can care for two of these infants, two $50,000 salaries, and now their adding more kids but no more teachers. That seems.. double unreasonable. Lord help you if you have *gasp* 2 kids! That is about $75 a day per kid, and I happen to know anything CLOSE to a reasonable daily child rate would stop at the highest $50 mark. Hell, even Montessori daycare and pre-pre-schools are $10,000 a half semester.. and technically THAT'S CHEAPER. If you ask me, I think this space race to the smartest kid in the room is getting a little out of hand since these children are basically still drooling on themselves. I wonder sometimes about those kinds of parents and how bad their childhoods must have been, or how much their parents must have worked and neglected them if they have so much parent guilt already. Kids don't need to be in school before their in school! Why can't they be just kids for a certain portion of their lives? Even more I wonder, back to this Google ridiculousness.. didn't they used to advertise this to be a benifit to work there? And if you DID pay their unbelievable NEW pricing*...

What would you, as a parent, be working for at that point? And to those daycare providers, well, who are you really helping?






*Plus a new $250 waiting list fee, to show you're interested... even though they site the main reason in doing all of this to be due to an 'abundance in numbers of kids' ...but they still aren't sure if you're interested. Even if you're already enrolled, you might not be interested, so you have to pay an extra $225. The fee used to be $25 but for $25.. how interested could you be? Not enough apparently!

Things that look like other things

the new "aproned" Colonel Sanders for KFC

Celebrating

I hope Canada Day was great for everybody.. I know I enjoyed the neighborhood fireworks last night on our walk. You'd think out here people wouldn't be putting on their own shows in the middle of the street but if you thought that you would be wrong. A number of people bought out a whole Mexican village full of fireworks and set them all off in pot planters right next to their huge houses and freakishly unafraid kids. How scary/fun!

I think the best part of the night though was passing by a house that had a full stretch limo parked in their long driveway. Now that's luxurious! lol. We have many running jokes around here about the residents of Oakville - like ordering a pizza with blood diamonds as toppings, ordering a fake pizza that needs to smell and look real but be completely inedible etc. So seeing a full stretch limo parked in someone's driveway was totally awesome, and begged the question - what came first? the limo or the oversized driveway?

Anyhow, actually I did all of my real celebrating on Monday due to a very long, complicated issue being resolved that day for me. My baby bought me a nice dress, had some champagne, wine, then Wes came over with *Stacey and we went out to Boston Pizza to celebrate the hell out of their fishbowls full of alcohol. It only takes 2 of those to make me retarded and I forgot to bring home Sean's dessert, he went to bed, and I decided I really needed another beer for absolutely no reason. Thank God for Canada Day... my sleepy hangover day!

I don't regret the celebrating part since there's been a whole lot of things going my way lately so it was really called for. Invitations are done and being mailed out (and my grandma actually complimented me on them! WOW), made a bunch of money for something that was broken, my burn is on the really tan side and it's barely July! the cottage is at the end of the month and there's new owners this year and a bunch of new stuff, there was a new Weeds to watch, found an awesome photgrapher - cake - minister, and just getting a coffee at Starbucks at almost closing time after fireworks scored us like $30 sandwiches! Apparently they have to throw them away and the girl hates doing that, so we got free lunch today! Yaaay.



*She said I could call her Stacey, which was awesome

Mysteries of the Universe

Well I have a bunch of good news, and one bit of bad news that I can turn into good news. Here goes...

YAY I got a sunburn at the splash park! Now I can use my cool Biotherm After-Sun stuff early this year. No need to wait for when I burn at the cottage, I can be super moisturized and sparkly right now.

Really it's prefect for me since I think the cure for a burn is in fact sparkles.. they just somehow make me feel better. I should really just buy the whole line of products with how badly I burn the first few times in the sun. I wore short shorts for about 10 mins in the direct sunlight last week and my skin's first reaction was to get all red blotchy and angry like.. what the FUCK is this? the sun? you're exposing me to sunlight now?

Eventually my pale English-ness gets over it and then I turn a little Italian Olive, but nothing bridges that transitional period better than this Biotherm stuff.. and believe me, I've tried a lot of stuff! Even some unorthodox methods like getting a sunburn and then going out in the sun some more for some reason. The sun made my sunburn, maybe it can cure it?

How else can I make this good news? Like I said, at least I won't burn at the cottage this year! My burning days will be long gone by then.*

I have such an appreication for my Jersey Fit sheets right now.








* Moment of silence to remember Cottage 2005. Known as the year I drove up in my red cabrio with the top down all 5 hours and got the most horrible sunbelt burn, which looked as if I was swimming in acid, and had to stay out of the sun (and my bra) the entire week! How I avoided skin cancer that year is one of the greatest myteries of the universe.

Fuck

Legendary comedian George Carlin has died. Sad news... Jerry Seinfeld wrote a great letter about him for the NY Times.

I suppose in the spirit of the things I always found funny about him, I'll tell you something that really irritates me, and, use as much swearing as possible.



Health Information.

I read "did you know ____ is bad for you?" all the time and as anyone would, I think to myself, oh no I don't want to eat something that is bad for me! What do I eat then? The answer is always: nothing! Don't eat anything at all! Or more specifically, look, we don't know what you should be eating we just know _____ will fucking kill you.

Example: MILK.

Great so milk is so fucking bad for you that if you don't drink or eat any dairy products for just 7 days your body will let go of 1 gallon of mucus. Disgusting! It may even be responsible for Autism.. possibly the scariest condition ever.. plus basically a billion other diseases. Ok so, no milk, got it! I guess I'll drink soy milk?

NO SOY MILK IS EVEN WORSE SOMEHOW! The truth about soy. Oh and Rice milk doesn't have enough nutrients so you have to get calcium from somewhere else, so go worry about that! Fantastic.

Great! Soooooo "health information" people, you're really great at scaring the shit out of me anytime I want to eat something so why not give me some ideas about what I can eat? Or at least something that won't kill me.. I'm just looking to keep living, here. I had the good fortune of reading the Peta brochure.. and wow, Pigs actually go mad from not being able to turn around? And they're more intelligent than Dogs.. so I can't eat that anymore. Goodbye, Wendy's Baconator! Anything else, assholes? Anyone else want to tell me what sucks to eat? I'm all ears! Just give me a list of what I need to buy ok, I won't question it, but right now I need to know WHAT CREAM SUBSTANCE DO I PUT IN MY ORGANIC FREE-TRADE COFFEE... just tell me that!


This is exactly why there is a Measles outbreak. Some mother-fuckers started telling parents that the vaccine gives you Autism and give you no other information, like how that ingredient has now been taken out of the MMR vaccine, so rather than risk doing something bad like mentally retarding their children people just are too afraid to do anything at all! And I'm not sure why those cunts don't see the responsibility they have to give people alternatives and not just sitting there wondering is anything good for you? *

I mean just last week my Dad was in a panic after watching something on 60 minutes about how much cell time I was using, and got me that MagicJack so he didn't have the mental image of cooking my brain everytime he called me.

I'm telling you.. a few more years of this and people are going to just ziplock bag themselves up, put an IV drip in their arm to eat, sit in a cave, and avoid contact with anyone or anything.





*I forgot a couple swear words: cocksucker, bitch, piss and tits. Ok done.

Dream Kitchen

Search of the Week: Google: baby pool disinfect dead squirrel




Poor little squirrel. I think it's funny that they were looking for something to specifically disinfect for squirrels though. Hey, who knows, maybe there is!

I think it's also funny, while we're on it, how search engines have basically become doctors and confession boxes seeing as we tell them everything!

Google how to get rid of crabs from a hooker... wait, a hooker who is half Chinese-half Portuguese. That might be different. She had a lower back tattoo of an angry beaver... Google hooker identification on the HIV positive list. Wait, also Google did I overpay for sexual services... I feel like I did. I should have researched this online before my trip to Cuba.

I say this admitting my one guilt of stupid dream interpretation searches.
I'm totally superficial about it too, if the website looks like some hippie in 1999 made it... aka it has terrible html and dream catchers and wind chimes all over it.. then I am less apt to believe the interpretations. Usually I sit there not being able to find anything I'd just dreamt of but whenever I do I'm pretty skeptical about it anyway, so I'm not sure what the point was of searching. Well, that is, other than possibly finding an interpretation that is so obviously true that is uses both my first and last name in the answer. lol. Last night for example I has such a ridiculous dream: I was cooking during some party I was having and this guy kept coming into the kitchen to flirt with me.

Flirting

To dream that you are flirting or that someone is flirting with you, represents your need for intimacy and affection. You may be about to enter into a serious commitment or relationship in the near future.

Interesting since we're off to London today to tour and book the Inn. Still... didn't see my first OR last name on it so clearly it's too vague. Keep trying, dream dictionary!

Little Boxes

Little boxes on the hillside, Little boxes made of ticky tacky
Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes all the same
There's a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.



Literally every one of my favourite shows lately are ones that I don't watch for some reason then hear about how it's awesome but then don't watch it on purpose because now I feel left out.. and then eventually decide that enough time has passed where I and the last person on earth (aka Sean) should start watching every episode in a marathon-like fashion.

Enter: Weeds.

And the people in the houses all went to the university
Where they were put in boxes and they came out all the same,
And there's doctors and there's lawyers, and business executives
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

I just finished watching Episode 1 of Season 4 tonight and now I unfortunately have to actually wait for shows to happen on their regular schedule.. when "the man" wants me to view my favourite shows. There are so many things wrong with waiting to watch TV. In any case I just love this show, the characters are hilarious especially Kevin Nealon.. and their fictional town of Agrestic reminds me so much of living in Oakville that it makes it all that much funnier.

And they all play on the golf course and drink their martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children and the children go to school
And the children go to summer camp and then to the university
Where they are put in boxes and they come out all the same.

They also have such a fantastic soundtrack.. naturally when Nancy walks out of the guy's house to the kick-ass Jenny Owen Young's "What the Fuck (was I thinking?)" well I just fell completely in love with the show. The only thing that could get better in the 4th season is some ill Scarlett.. hey it's a show about pot, I'm sure it could happen. Finger's Crossed for One A or Mary Jane getting played while something absolutely ridiculous happens.. let's say with Andy.





By the way, I mean really, who has sex with Matthew Modine? He's practically plastic!



And the boys go into business and marry and raise a family In boxes made of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

Gidgets

The weekend was pretty nice, we biked a lot of it - in fact mostly unintentional 18K "we got lost" 4-hour ride but as soon as we were pretty sure we would survive it was fun! Yesterday we took my Dad and Grandparents out to dinner for Father's Day/Also Birthday. As a side note: don't you just love it when the waitress at fancy-pants restaurants seem like they can't conceal their hatered for their job any longer? I'm not saying they should just LOVE getting me food but honestly, love it a bit more than the chick at Appleby's ok? Love that you didn't have to get anyone crayons at my table or sing when it's someone's birthday.

Anyway on the way to dinner my newly 70 year old grandpa got to test out his present, the TomTom GPS navigator thing. It's pretty damn accurate and apparently can read you audio books, hook up to your phone, find all the gas stations and bank machines, play music and give you a Sweedish massage. Alright that last one, not so much, but by the end of the trip all the men in my life decided they now can no longer find their way around anywhere without one.

My Dad also bought me this MagicJack thing and I'm trying to get it working at my house - something about my router is giving me probs - I guess it's like Skype but I get a phone number from California! I uh.. am a fan of their shutters? Other gadgets I'm a fan of recently: the new Sony Vaio seems to be so kick-ass that I almost don't mind it runs Vista! Lastly, I'm considering buying the Yaris as my new car - regardless of how absolutely Euro that seems. This is how I see it. When you get into a car accident, rather than go the other dumber way which is to need to drive a Hummer (aka a fucking pimp tractor) so you can DESTROY the next car that hits you, instead I want a car so fuel efficient that if I survive I can chase them in their car till they run out of gas, beat the hell out of them and leave them stranded then drive myself back home and then to Chicago to buy myself a celebratory "kill" pizza.

Flavour Country

Search of the Week: since I'm no longer accepting questionable searches, the winner is my own site name "asgoodasitgets" which frequently gets searched.. I don't know why. Come on, just type it into the browser. Grab some balls.




My 70 year old grandfather set his quit date as his birthday - yesterday. Sure, I mistook his standing pace breathing for a squeak toy... and he can't sleep at night without hacking something up but I'm really sure him quitting is going to fix everything. Here's something nobody tells you smokers by the way - you SMELL, for real, and it doesn't matter what you do. Anytime my Mom sends me something I have to disinfect it because I honestly can't stand the smell. That's right, I'm not a clean freak, I let things slide all the time - the smell is really just that bad! Now I think about it I don't know how anyone ever came to my old house without a mask. I'm a little surprised I had as many friends/boyfriends, now that I'm not around smoke I realize it's basically like sleeping in a slaughter house. Mmm death.

Honestly though today my Mom sends me a kiddie pool and it couldn't have smelled more like nicotine.. how is that possible? I'm thinking did she blow the smoke right on it? How do you even disinfect a plastic kiddie pool, even? I'm serious.. I'm going to be outside figuring this out tomorrow. Lemons? Is it lemons? Lemons and Mr Clean?

By the way, I think my new car is going to be whatever doesn't run on gas. So either a hot air balloon or road-windsurfing. Both of those sound awesome actually.... fuck cars!

Finally! A comic with a subject I can relate to.

nataliedee.com



It's really a rare thing when your most horrifying nightmare creeps into waking life, like when I bit into bubblegum ice cream a few weeks ago and part of my tooth actually broke. My heart almost exploded out of my chest from pure terror. It was great!

Now I just have to be chased by a bunch of people and find myself only able to run in slow motion and we'll be set!

Alright here's a stupid craft story for you

Do you remember that show in the 80s (if you're Canadian) called "Just Like Mom" ? They let these kids go crazy in a kitchen full of food to "create" a dish while their Mothers watched in horror knowing at the end they'd have to eat some of it. It was totally my favourite show ever! If the kids made something with let's say, and egg on top I'd be all.. OH NO THAT ISN'T AN INGREDIENT IN APPLE PIE, YAY YOU HATE YOUR MOM THIS IS GOING TO BE SO AWESOME. If the Mom made a face when she went to eat it I'd be super pissed too; what's her problem? Is she too good for chocolate pepper ketchup rice pie?

And that basically explains the rest of this story. I like inventing things. For fun I thought of all the stuff I have made as a kid which were not crafts and came up with a short list to share:


- perfume + other perfume + more perfume = my own better perfume
- water + hand lotion = my own better hand lotion
- toothpaste and floss on paper = fridge art that smells nice!
- apple juice + milk = newer better drink
- milk in a cup in the bathroom = my own better cheese?

etc.


A big problem I have with crafting - other than it means you're crazy - is you're not really making or inventing anything new. Sure if you refinish a table it'll look better but probably as good as it looked brand new OR just a bit different. If you made a new sort of table that becomes a cupboard though, that would be cool. Same with anything else so I guess I don't really appreciate "art" on it's own... I'd really prefer it did something. Even today I still enjoy thinking about my own inventions on a regular basis. I have some pretty good ones! just waiting for some 3M kind of company to listen to my ideas. And knock on my door and ask me if I have any. lol.


By the way all of those previous inventions I listed were all horrible especially the last one. The toothpaste one wasn't AS bad I suppose... just weird. I also realize nobody wants perfume that comes in a giant tub and smells so strong it could rape cats.


If you want to feel better about me possibly calling you "crafting people" crazy and that list didn't do it then please, read on.

When I was I dunno, maybe 10? maybe 12.. I'm bad with ages, I could have been 6. I decided to make something out of cardboard. It was SUCH a great idea, whatever it was, that there was no deterring me. So I'm sawing away at this cardboard piece with a huge carving knife. My mom kept knives everywhere but that's another story - actually no its not really a story she simply kept knives everywhere. So my Dad walks in, asks what I'm doing, I tell him - along with what a brilliant idea it was - and he says "Ok.. well be careful with that. Are you sure you don't want scissors?" Oh no, impossible, I already tried scissors and they weren't good enough. I showed him where my thumb was red from trying that.. like jeeze DAD. He tells again to be careful about cutting myself and knowing he can't deter me from doing it, leaves to do something else. I am bothered by the mere mention my brilliant idea may not be as great as I thought, and as far as cutting myself with a knife this big well that's just stupi... oops I just sliced right through my finger. Oh dear god it's bad, it's purple, what to do? Go call my Dad? Oh no, not that! He would just be proven right about me cutting myself, can't have that. Ok let's just calmly walk to the sink in horror and wash it, lightly put a band aid over the flap of skin and pretend it never happened.

I now have a scar in the shape of a flap and for a while I really did forget where it came from. I'd totally love to end this stupid craft story for you with some kind of message about how I learned my lesson but I'd be absolutely lying. I actually have a similar story from when I was very very much younger than that and I was in the bathroom having climbed up on the counter in front of the mirror trying to shave my face "just like my Dad" ironically! Anyway I didn't know what the hell shaving your face was even for, nicked my skin above my lip and when my Dad walked in and asked me what the red stuff was, rather than admit I cut myself I licked it off and said it was ketchup. It stung and my dad laughed and it was a favourite story of his. To be fair my parents DID tell me blood was ketchup when I saw it on TV. So you see it's just my natural reaction to be a complete and utter stubborn child! I think up stupid ideas I do them no matter what, I don't enjoy ANY criticism on them, and I don't ask for help when I get in trouble I rather just pretend it's not happening instead.

My poor parents - I'm so totally screwed if my child is anything like me and it's almost a certainty that they will be. Tell me what to do? But that's the opposite of what I want to do! No dice, ma!

Even though I despise it, to my credit I am now more likely to ask for help and also criticism because it is helpful - even to someone who knows everything or doesn't like to share everything, like me ;) ! Nevertheless I'd appreciate if you'd support me if I gave you things made out of toothpaste OK? Thanks a bunch!

Sweet sweet crazy

I ran across this book and now need to buy it because it actually made me want to sew something. Let me be clear that I don't do crafts - if I make something with my own two hands I want it to be in a museum or something awesome, not: "wow now I'm done 46 hours of intense labour on this hat, what should I do first? wear it? oh great... that's all it does... ever." But really, look how flippin adorable those little felt animals are their adorable little flippin birthday party or whatever. Those adorable table and chairs? Give me some tiny flippin adorable blue prints and I'll make those right up, too! I'll make a whole fleet of them and use them for the felt garden reception wedding of Mr. and Mrs. Cuddlebuns. It'll be the most adorable felt wedding of the season!


The reason I don't "craft" is not because I'm not good at anything creative, I am only semi-joking about that senerio above, but I actually believe people who do "craft" are crazy. You can make things but if you "craft" it's highly likely you're totally nuts. I think it's a known fact they are linked together - especially if you don't just like doing one hobby but ALL or any crafts imaginable. You also set time aside to "craft" even if you don't necessarily have a project in mind, host craft parties, have a little craft room with a bunch of your unfinished crafts etc; ya that's crazy!

If you want proof just drive by my old house and ask my Mom to show you all the stuff she made this week. She knits, re-finishes furniture, re-paints, reupholsters things, "finds" things.. and whatever it is, like a mini salt and pepper shaker.. it's nuts. If you're saying to yourself "Oh that doesn't sound so nuts... I think you're overreacting, the worst you could accuse her of is thinking she's Bob Vila" then I'll just mention that most of the things she finds are because squirrels told her where it was. Hey I like that she is active and doing semi-constructive or creative things - that's really great! All I'm saying is I'll run the risk of looking like a total nutjob because I still really want to make these little felt animals!

They could live in the cutest house..... sigh.


My grandfather turns 70 on Wednsday, maybe I can get my Mom to whip him up a soapbox racer before then as a gift. I mentioned her crafts are "unique" right? Like I had to...

Pizza and Beers

I do not want to tell you what the search winner was this week... it's that gross. The only thing someone who looks for "white" animal porn online wins at should be a going to jail contest.





So I tried some Organic Beer from Mill St. Brewery and it was actually really fantastic and extremely drinkable. I was at odds with getting some of the coffee beer for myself and now I know I totally should have! I usually pay attention to stuff when I buy it like, are there any other cases missing? Is nobody else drinking this because it sucks, or like me they are also afraid to be the first one to try it? Sean actually denounced Heineken in favour of this Organic stuff just to give you some idea, and he was a big fan of the first, so I'd definitely try it if you're interested in sampling a new beer this summer. And it's from Toronto!

Oh and I've decided my torrid affair with Pizza Depot is over. I bought some Brooklyn Style pizza from Dominos this weekend and everything! So you know it's really over. It was pretty good, too.. not AS good of course but hey.. losing the 10lbs by simply not eating it will dry my tears. See I'm making grown up decisions, I can't eat anything I want is a pretty obvious self-imposed rule.. if you're not me. Ahhh life. What's next, make the bed everyday?

Actually I tried to make that my new habit and I got to about a 3 week streak. Why oh why can't everything be as easy to maintain as eating pizza?

little or LOT

Google Search of the Week:
fun things to do with daddy that doesnt cost a LOT

I'm not sure how high maintenance your Dad is, but I assume this is for Father's Day coming up and not that your "daddy" makes you pay to hang out all the time. So this is a cute question then, I might as well take a stab at it in case this person visits my site again for some reason and I suppose something that wouldn't cost CAPS a lot but be fun to do might be: buy some cheap seats at a Jays game on a weekday, build a kite to fly (or umm model car) or maybe going for a bike ride and stopping at a cafe or something for some sandwiches. If your Dad wouldn't like those things, there is always fishing at a conservation area park. And if your Dad really isn't into anything whatsoever, you could sit on a park bench and make fun of other Dad's and their sons/daughters doing those things.. that's always free!

Today is gorgeous and I want to get out there so I will be brief: I took Andrea to Seasons Restaurant in Oakville, we sat in the wine cellar which was so cute and the food was FANTASTIC I will absolutely go again! Possibly take my Dad for Father's Day if I can get a reservation, though don't add that to your list of things to do that don't cost a LOT. Andrea was definitely surprised so that was a total success, then she threw keys at me for lying to her haha, AND the party was also great but my mouth kinda tastes like day old gin (aka evil)... bleh! Pics to come later on.

Lightnings

[my current desktop: www.vladstudio.com]

My neighbour asked me the other day if I knew of any nice double strollers; I didn't, but I told her she should really check out Criagslist. Then she asked me a reasonable question "isn't that weird, like, aren't there some real weirdos on there?" and I admitted ya, once I had some theater producer come to my house to buy my junk as "props" and then decided to tell me all about his play IN HIGH ENERGY. Apparently he thought I was an actor because my "eyes lit up" when he mentioned he was part of a production. I think lots of people mistake that expression for interest when any normal person would know it means: what the hell did you just say? is this how I'm going to die? If you remember my story about Mother F then I'll just mention I used that expression quite often! You could even describe that look at quiet frozen contemplation on where all the weapons in the house are located.

Anyways, after telling my neighbor this I rethought if getting any money from things I'd throw away is really worth talking to strangers more than I already do. That is until last weekend; I just bought something and basically didn't need it anymore so I was selling it for exactly what I bought it for. I got a great deal on it though so it's not like I was "JYSK Indian Mirroring" anyone. I got a few responses in like an hour and one lady was just unbelievable. She actually emailed me to let me know someone was looking for my item and willing to pay more than I listed it for, apologized?? and gave me all their info to get in touch with them. I obviously thought wow, that's a first, but told her really I am not looking to make money so whoever picks it up first is welcome to it the way I priced it. She not only jumped in her car and was here within 20 mins, but also intentionally gave me MORE money than I asked for. When I realized this I ran out of my house and asked if she needed change, and she said no "I'm happy with it, thank you!" and drove away.

Now THAT'S how you do it. I was in total shock! Compared to the usual, I'm happy to say I finally found an awesome unusual lady. Oh Barbara, will I ever see you again? lol.




Andrea's going away party is tomorrow night and sadly I am still happy and excited for her! Should be a great night, we're going to a really new fancy-pants bistro for dinner before all the liquored up fun. My mission will be to make sure the party is just enough fun that nobody cries, so if it starts getting too fun I will pay someone to throw up on something. You can't wait to hear how this turns out already, I bet.

Cute and Angry

Cute and Angry, originally uploaded by anna potatoes.

I hope some people have seen the Dr. Seuss movie Horton Hears a Who... not that it will stop me from telling this story!

So Ethan here has seen the movie a number of times and I have to say it's a pretty good movie, however, when you show a 2 year old with an imagination this elaborate story about people living on flowers you get: yelling into a dandelion so fiercely that there is actual yellow residue left on his mouth as if he half-ate it ..as seen in this pic.

He really must think they're assholes because none of them have talked back yet. Not only do I enjoy beyond belief when he makes angry expressions, but I never tire of watching as he runs into this large field full of these dandelions which you can see in the pic and "carefully" picks out "the one" just like Horton does. I mean really, you have to see it, but I assure you it's unbelievably adorable.

Also, yay for figuring out how to blog a flickr photo!!


In other "news" (as in it's new, not that it's real news): I now own a Lululemon black scuba hoodie and it IS in fact crazy-awesome. Especially so since I got it for super-cheap and I really need it for bike riding this summer. I've decided I can own ridiculous things as long as I myself don't turn into Miss Lululemon 2008. That chick, and we all know her, is ultra retarded. She wears a monthly salary on her body and still she is not in shape and everyone knows it! Anyways.. while we're at new things I will mention my Chiropractor experience for my back injury is going fantastic! I'm improving and that is neat, especially for something I didn't even believe worked before. I also have my wedding dress right now sitting in my closet looking incredibly hot, and won't be on my Flickr as "news" for a little bit. Sorry!

I added another facial expression pic however, which I like to think is probably the best WTF-face I've ever encountered.

Long Hot Summer

Victoria Long Weekend Search Winner!
Google: DAVID HASSELHOFF ARE YOU HAVING A PARTY THIS WEEKEND



Short answer, yes he had a party. Long answer, it was just with himself and some Pepsi that burst out of the floor. Don't feel bad for him, it's not like he actually invited anyone else.



This weekend we tried to get this biking thing going and discovered a nice new trail by the house.. unfortunately it was way too cold to go out again today so hopefully when it warms up on Wednesday we'll be back out there. Really looking forward to taking advantage of the warm summer days/nights; you know, until future global warming makes our front lawns, shady trees and small animals burst into flames on a "temperamental" July afternoon. Not as nice to bike in, that is, until I perfect my ice suit. It'll be just like those cute neoprene wet suits you put on your beer bottles in the summer with those giant zipper rings and terrible colours, except packed with ice and for your whole body. The only thing missing from my invention is how, when the earth is int he process of melting, we will make that ice. Oh and also another small speed bump of how to give people the will enough to live, let alone enjoy a nice bike ride. I figure I have about 35 years to figure this out.

By the way I watched the documentary The Corporation and now I'm afraid to buy anything. Anyone else know about the thing with Hitler and IBM, because I sure as hell didn't! I think I would have remembered that history class.

It's love

Had to add another post with the new Weezer single the greatest man who ever lived. I will be buying this album with glee. Actual glee. I've been waiting a long time for this. <3

Valuable Information

I wish the rest of this post had anything to do with that awesome graphic but it does not.


Instead of scientifically proving how my milkshake is better than yours, I'll tell you about probably the most guilty secret I have. No, its not Nutella + Pizza Depot + Starbucks donuts. That is a very good guess though! but those aren't technically secrets. I have to give you some back-story first, if you don't want to read it you're welcome to just look at the chart again and skip a paragraph.

When I was 10 my mom took me to the dentist to have my loose tooth pulled. I've had a great history in my life with teeth that just want to hang on, and many string pulling at home and eating apples stories. In fact I don't think there was a single baby tooth that DIDN'T want to hang on, so anyhow, my mom thought it best to go to the dentist for one of the larger back ones. This also began my illustrious persona of "acting super brave really makes everybody happy" and it really did. Never failed to make a great impression. I swear this particular time the dentist used a small chubby screw driver to actually pop my tooth out, and it hurt, and I was mad. My mom said she would buy me a present for being so brave this time, since it's probably the only time I complained (a lot) and if I knew any swear words I would have used them (a lot). She took me to a jewelry store and told me I could pick out whatever I wanted. You have to appreciate the rarity of this occasion since we were not the family who had extra cash to buy jewelry for no reason.. so I picked out this cute gold ring with a green stone in it. My mom said I could have it today, or I could wait a few weeks and have my birthstone in it. I picked today! Later on my mom wore it, bleached the floor all the time with it on and it broke.. never to be fixed and worn by me.

My mom lost or broke my jewelry on a spectacularly consistent basis. Earrings, necklaces, rings.. so my grandma took all my stuff to keep with her which was fine with me since I don't wear jewelry unless I am able to never take it off. Two of the MOST important pieces of jewelry I had kept away (for me to look at and not wear) are my solid gold charm bracelet my grandma put together for me over many birthdays, and a 24k large gold locket my great grandmothers bought for me with their pictures in it "so I'd remember them" and had inscribed and everything. I mentioned I'm half Italian at some point right? Ok I hope that was obvious. Anyways, so basically all the jewelry on earth really didn't matter past those two things and I was allowed to wear them for special occasions.

When I was 16 I went to Italy with my grandparents (yes I just realized it was 10 years the other night and that blew my mind) and was the last time I got to wear the braclet and locket. I actually didn't like them because they were *gasp* yellow gold! so I kept them in my room there. One day we went to visit my grandfathers aunt in one of those old people's homes .. which is a lot different than the ones here.. and she was just the most fantastic lady. I just loved her; of course it helped that she was just nuts about me and said awesome stuff like I'm as gorgeous as the sun and touched my face all the time. lol. She spent her entire life as a nun, as did her older sister who was also in the home but didn't speak anymore, and when she left there after 50 years they gave her a gold watch with her name inscribed on it. She gave it to my grandparents to give to my mother since they share the very same first and last name. Not that it has anything more to do with the story other than this woman isn't alive any longer and I just adored her, I'll add that she felt so badly about not giving me anything like she did for my mom that she gave my grandparents $200 to get me whatever I wanted on the trip and also took me to her room and told me I had to pick out something to take with me. She didn't have a lot of items in there obviously, being a nun and now being in a home, and a few years ago the figurine she let me have fell off a shelf and broke, which broke my heart, and I keep the head in my jewelry box.

SO!

I begged my grandparents not to give my mother the watch and they did anyways and yes she broke it by wearing it to do the dishes. She took it apart to "dry" and lost all the pieces somehow. That made me feel fantastic. These are just things of course and materials do not mean anything but even I was taught better than to lose something someone gave you and my mother is a gypsy as far as I'm concerned. So here is my guilty secret, at last, which would've had no meaning if confessed to you without telling you the entire story: I lost my locket.

For 2 years I have been sick over it, and there is no way in hell I can ever replace it or not let my grandmother go to her grave thinking I have it. In fact I lost the charm bracelet too, until this Christmas when I opened the packed box of ornaments and found it in there! What happened I don't know but at least one of those items back and that makes me feel a little better. I mean, when someone spends time and thousands of dollars collecting charms for you from your childhood, you try not to leave it behind when you pack!

Maybe I should put out an ad for lost and found: 1 gold locket plus chain missing, pictures of two sweet old ladies in it who are no longer living, inscribed "All Our Love, Anna Maria" .. if found please return to THIS FUCKNG IDIOT [insert picture of me]. I am even WORSE than my mother?? How did that happen!!?

Thanks for not killing me

This week the search winner is someone who googled one of my "26 things I've learned in 26 years" questions. Is dating someone 20 years older ever ok?


Honestly I am so glad I can help you realize you never want to date someone who's been eligible to vote for 3 years, driving for 5 years and drinking for at least 1 year..... when you were newly alive. If you want to put that even more into perspecive, as an infant you sat there pooping yourself and making noises and couldn't make out shapes or see anything past a few inches in front of your face. That same day the person you're screwing right now could have been passed out on his girlfriend's couch from drinking all night then drove home in the morning.

So you see why the answer is NO, no it is never ok. That horrible screaming and yelling your dear mother did to get you here? Yeah that's the same scream she will give you when you tell her you're dating someone 20 years older than yourself and who could blame her, that's just disgusting!!


In closing, don't forget it's Mama Day! It takes a special person not to kill anything that pooped all over them regularly. Think about it!

When Andrea leaves, I'm going to see if John Mayer will be my new best friend

And don't forget when you leave why you came

So my buddy Andrea is leaving at the end of the month for Calgary, like I mentioned sometime before. That really, well, makes me happy for her... but I am going to miss her a bunch. We've been friends since grade 6 or 7 and have lots of experience staying in touch and not needing to hang out a whole lot to be friends.. so I'm not overly concerned. I just don't want her to miss home or anything but I should be flying out there pretty soon to see her new digs.

When she called to ask me if she was doing the right thing, and wasn't sure she could leave everyone I said: Dude (and I'm paraphrasing) I know so many people who get pushed out of their parents place.. pushed into a job and it becomes a pattern for their whole life. Deciding to start your life in a new province in as little as 2 weeks, and accomplishing that? It's a great marker for what else you can do. It's something I think about whenever I am not feeling very productive, need to get my "shit together" and it always helps me, so I hope it will help her.

That and some Ikea gift cards!

Today has been an exceptionally difficult day, which is possibly why I have been thinking about her leaving. I suppose though, at the end of it, if I didn't question my limitations at least a little bit then I would be made of nothing in the first place. Cheers to the roadblocks, then! Else I'd have no time to stop and enjoy a gin & seven at the end of a hard day. Literally, I've had 3! If we're working on a scale of 1-5 then I will definitely have to alert you when a 4 or 5 gin and seven day comes up.

Your days are short here; this is the last of your springs. And now in the serenity and quiet of this lovely place, touch the depths of truth, feel the hem of Heaven. You will go away with old, good friends. And don't forget when you leave why you came.”

Adlai E. Stevenson

Sell crazy somewhere else

Search of the Week Winner: Google: as good as it gets sell crazy somewhere else





So after the car accident I kind of realized there are worse things in life than living in Hamilton. It's true! I've lived elsewhere for almost 4 years and have tried to ignore the real fact that you can relocate yourself quite fine, but relocating everyone you know is a real challenge. I used to make the weekend trips, as if I didn't actually live somewhere else, and after buying this house in Oakville I finally said OK I will be an Oakville girl, not a Hamilton girl living in Oakville. And it's fucking nice out here, but it's really nice for retiring maybe instead. We could weekend it here instead, all the cool shopping I love, the strawberry picking and crazy starbucks everywhere. Let's be honest here, I was born in Hamilton: where people look at you strange if you make eye contact, where saying "good morning" as if you know someone would get you beat up for being "sarcastic", where most of the neighbours dropping by were ones your mother told you never to talk to, or literally dropping from the balcony upstairs because they drank too much at a party. I'm as friendly as they come, but even I was looking for the candid cameras... is nobody in the town having a bad day? ever?

Still, I could live in Oakville my whole life and not mind. It'd be honestly entertaining anywhere I'd potentially live, but my family is Hamilton and will basically never leave. Sean brought up this moving to Hamilton idea this week, ironically....but I think it's just really obvious my grandfather is going to die in a few years. While that is hard for me, I suppose I should prepare for it and maybe buy a nice big house rather than this extremely expensive small one, full of pretty stainless steel and granite, that is miles and miles away. I've started looking and this Sunday we go see a huge victorian house right by my parents (but on a nice street.. not a crack street. yes it's almost like black and white checker streets in Hamilton.. crack, nice, crack, nice, crack, nice. truth be told 50% of Hamilton is fantastic, but you'd never know it). If we like it, great, maybe we will move. I'd love to have some huge problem with where I am now, so I have this gigantic reason, the only one being it's not where my family is at and overall... I guess that makes me less happy. Or more like, I don't have a great reason to stay in Oakville other than it's a nice place to live. I'm sure Sean knows that, and I am lucky he'd persuade me to move us somewhere he never particularly liked. I would have honestly never brought up the idea in a million years, but it seems like he's set on this being a good thing to do. I agree... I can still do the daycare and maybe take some nice trips to Gage Park and the Children's Museum.

If I'm giving off some hesitation it's merely my own stupid idea that living out here was my choice, and I guess want to feel like it's clear I do not have to, but am choosing to move back because I will stay there aaaaaaaaaaaand not have my crazy family over every damn day! Hey what, I've gotten used to my privacy lol. You know, being close to your family is great but we are still talking about MY family!



Wait a minute... I forgot the police here are totally bored assholes! OK nevermind, get me the fuck out of Oakville.

This is an Ex-Parrot

Number 1 on the 50 greatest sketches of all time is "Dead Parrot" by Monty Python. My dad is a huge Monty Python fan yet somehow I had not seen this before. 39 years later I'm not sure if I will still be laughing at Dick in a Box, however this is clearly still hilarious. John Cleese is probably the only British comedian I actually find funny.. can't wait for the Pink Panther 2 next year. Maybe I'll take my dad.