Putting your pants away

Pausch was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in August, 2006; at the time, he and his wife had a 4-year-old, a 2-year-old and a 3-month-old baby. Pancreatic cancer has a 4% 5-year survival rate, and Randy lasted two years through sheer will and perseverance and willingness to try any treatment possible. He kept a blog detailing his health status. Its last entry was last night written by an anonymous friend saying that Randy had entered hospice. Less than an hour ago, Diane Sawyer announced on Good Morning America that Randy had passed away last night. He was 47 years old.
More information about him.

You may have seen or heard this already today, or even just remember a mention of him from my turning 26 list. Ever since I watched his Last Lecture I tried not to have any hope that he himself would survive this terrible disease. Instead I tried to think of him as the strongest supporter for his cause being the thing that will really survive about him - plus his winning personality. I really enjoyed him. And the fact of it isn't some grand thing he was doing for people (it was probably a nice bonus) but only that he tried so hard at whatever he was doing with his remaining time, for his children. This is some terrible news to sit and have your morning coffee thinking of.

I suppose on an extra personal level I'm also so sad he didn't somehow defy the odds on making it through all this - although he lasted far longer than he should have, and that is a success too. Still the fairness police in you (i.e. me) thinks he should have. He reminds me so much of someone that I knew who was probably the hardest person to let go when they passed away - just about this time of year too, albeit 9 years ago. My Dad's high school friend Eric, and Randy, had almost the same personality (goodness he made the WORST puns, all the time though) and was far too intelligent to really ever know what he was thinking about. The difference is that Eric died as a result of a car/truck collision, so he never really knew that his last few months on the planet he spent every night teaching me summer school math courses so I could sign up next year for Calculus. Ya me, ya Calculus. What a waste of time... a waste, of time. The second week of Calculus, and after I got accepted to U of T for their Commerce program - I decided hey, I don't really want to do any of this! And re-applied for English at Mac. So I literally wasted his time - it's all I could think about even though it was the right decision for me. I know he would have done so many things if he knew life was nearly done. Really he was a super interesting guy, just a month previously he went and bought himself a huge $500 African drum and set up a room to learn to jam. He and my dad also went out pick out a bike for him around that time, summertime - and he's one of the few adults I ever saw buy a helmet for themselves. I recall exactly how he was telling me if anything ever happened, that is the only thing he needed to stay safe. He was right because that's what ended up killing him - he hit his head and was basically brain dead, and there was no point in keeping him alive. Sure, I was immature at the time (and stayed that way for quite a while) so all I could think of with my dad in the police car home that night is - I wish everyone on the street was dead and could take his place. If he could come back though, right now, I might even still wish someone dead. Someone who would never use their life whatsoever, spend it on welfare, just a waste of skin who sits there and does nothing but age. That's just the fairness talking and I'm truly sorry anyone ever taught me in life things were fair. Sometimes things just happen.

I'm a bad griever, really, I'm bad at it. I'm bad at losing things. I'm bad at accepting unfulfilled plans - why is that happening? i.e. that it's not fair it's not fair sort of thing. We made a trip over to Eric's apartment that week to get his cat and other personal things my Dad wanted to remember him by, books and whatnot - I caught a glimpse of some pants he had laid out in the bathroom to wear the next day. That pretty much did it, broke my heart; and although all scars get smoother and smoother through time - that image in my mind raises all the edges up momentarily, so that they can even be felt on the outside of my chest it seems.

The thing that gets me, personally of course - as is this site is with apologies, is really this unique situation. Randy really lived his life, and in the end, learned also how to put his pants away (so to speak) so beautifully. I think I'll spend my whole life learning how to do that, and hopefully, have a sense of humor about it.


"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." — from The Last Lecture

Bonfun

Bonfun, originally uploaded by anna potatoes.

Preemptive Google Search Winner: harvey's days of thunder sunglasses


We are off to our cottage on Saturday for a week of nada, zip, sweet wonderful nothing. Well that's not entirely true, all the nothing we do is basically fun - sort of like how high school isn't really school at all, just hanging out with your friends aaaand then you get to real life. So ya that's cottage life, I cannot wait to get the hell out of here and into lots of sun/sand/beers; and apparently there have been some major additions since the new owners got there so that will be interesting for us. We're really going to miss Pat and Gary though (the old owners) we grew to love them as much as our vacation. It was sort of a highlight to hang out at the bonfire and have them come down to tell stories with us, or eat fish and wine with them, and stave off the bloodthirsty mosquitoes together etc.

Dear Jesus,

Can I please not get bit by a deer fly or whatever this year. Medical emergencies are just about the only thing I don't find quaint about cottage country. The cafe in town though, brilliant idea.

Love, Ann


Speaking of the bug situation at the cottage, I had an "incident" the other day while cleaning up the dishes. After merely two days of making food and one guest over it somehow looked like the back of a greasy spoon diner - really I don't know how. So I was loading up the dishwasher when suddenly the last dish I picked up revealed a GIANT BROWN MOTH. I suppose it's great I didn't drop the dish I was holding but not so much that my "natural" reaction is to literally flip right out and scream:

"EEEEEEEEEEEEK EEEEEEEEEEEEEK EEEEEEEEEEEK EEEEEEEEEEEEK"

Like Ned Flanders when he sees purple drapes. It was pretty funny actually so I had a nice laugh at myself. You know how they say you see what a person is really made of through tough or trying situations - well when it comes to bugs, apparently I am made of eeek.

Also looking forward to my new iPod shuffle for running while we're up there - it's so tiny - I have a thing for naming all my iPods and this one is teal so I'm calling it my iPeaPod. I love it. Sean also got me special earphones for running so they won't fall out. Already faves on my cottage running shuffle playlist:

All Good - Zeroleen
Who's Got It - illScarlett
I Kissed a Girl - Katy Perry


Man this is going to be fun. Have a great week everyone!!

I miss you, fast food - for your fastness

Well apparently the years of absolutely horrible press about KFC - and the treatment of animals etc. has finally done something in Canada and aside from better treatment in killing chickens, they're offering vegan chicken. That's totally a coincidence to my "things that look like other things" post the other day.

Really, I'm only a recent "moderate" vegetarian - so this really isn't my life's dream come to fruition but you have to admit... getting a restaurant chain like Kentucky Fried Chicken to do something like that is pretty big. Maybe someone finally explained to them that uhhh more people will eat there? I know I will definitely be trying it out and I literally never eat at KFC. Sorry, not even their with their "Taste of Asia" - marketers, really, you thought that would help? Send me to Asia, the land of the bird flu - and probably chicken pox as well. No, if you must know, KFC kinda killed it for me way back when they partnered up with Taco Bell in making me wonder if their 11 special spices were really 4 forms of grease, salt, and 6 things that rhyme with MSG. The way they treated their chickens - an extra point of argument to pick a new resturant when I'm eating out with friends.

What I really wonder is how long it will take for big business to realize they're is a whole market out there who LIVES for something, anything, tasty and vegetarian. They tell ALL their friends about it, what brand, where to buy it and they'll remember the "really awesome" veggie chicken or hamburger - or whatever fast food place they bought so and so salad at. That's quite a lot of loyalty-ready customers just sitting on an imaginary product. What, you think people suddenly LIKE cooking for themselves all the time as soon as they decide to cut back on red meat? NO. I'm not even going to pretend I'm coming from a compassionate place when I tell you my ONLY reason for being any sort of moderate vegetarian is because I plan on living for a long time - and the fact that red meat is so cheap, well, how good can that be?

That's correct, when it comes to food I change my policy completely on wanting something for practically free. What kind of cow is $10 for 5lbs of ground beef? A cow that was born with 5 legs? or it's brain on the outside of it's body? Was it fed the rejected genetically modified corn they grew to look like beefy arms? I just don't know anymore! Pass. Sure, I agree it's terrible the way chickens are treated - do I still like chicken? Yes. Will I eat it? No. Is it because I'm just sick to death over the way their little beaks are cut off? No, I'm not that imaginitive when I choose my food - but I do sit and think that if they're treated like that, and sitting in terrible conditions - it's pretty likely they will have diseases. Eating disease? Now that's a face I can put on my sandwiches!

Yeah, I'd be the person who attended a sensitivity semenar and wonder why they didn't pay for better lighting.

Maybe more fast food places can offer something like that too, you know, only if they'd like to make money. I'm not sure but people still like making money, right? Dear goodness I hope so because I'm pretty lazy, I have to say I miss fast food!

Oh, I got answers

Friday's Google Search winner: my baby got sunburned what can i do to make her feel better, google?




I'll field this one, Google, you go take a break.

Alright what you do is, how old is the baby? Well unless we're talking about a small dog (and you're crazy) we'll say this is a real baby which would logically age this sunburned wonder to less than 12 months old. Average that at 6 months for the sake of being fair and not knowing really what the hell you're talking about.. and you BURNED YOUR CHILD?? What kind of person doesn't put adequate sunscreen on their newborn?? Their skin is like kindling! And you just left her in the sun like to turn into a California raisin? Are you high? First of all, I'll recommend some Ombrelle 45spf in the future - HOWEVER for now to make her feel better I say a punch of Tylenol and a glass of wine. Alright maybe not a glass of wine.... uhhh, aloe vera, some crazy awesome moisturizer, nice cool soft clothes and stop rubbing anything on her with your grubby warm hands. That probably doesn't feel good. Stick your hands in some ice first or whatever.

Dear God,

I just plain hate cleaning. If I was meant to clean I assume you wouldn't have made me hate it so much, so I guess I'm off the hook. That's a pretty big relief so I wanted to write and say thanks a bunch!

Love, Ann

Doing things - check!

Shopping day was so much fun!! I got to sit in comfy chairs while the girls ran in and out of dressing rooms - mishaps and hilarity ensued. Oddly enough it was ME who was tired at the end of the day BUT we found dresses for all the girls. We even dropped by Andrea's dress to her Mom so she can give it to her on Saturday when she flies out there to visit. I am SO excited, they look awesome! And as always if you shop with me you'll notice I save you major cash. They just happen to just go on sale at a $100 discount! Seriously, I like getting things for as close to free as possible I was so psyched about that. Cross dresses off the list - DONE.

Oh cake is off the list too - DONE. Decided on two chocolate mocha and one tier of pumpkin spice!

The truth is I'm not really into details or planning things - I'd never make a good super organizer - it sucks the life from me to make small meticulous decisions. Or even large ugly decisions, but I rather do those. So far all this "stuff" we were too busy for hasn't been that terrible/horrific for us as we thought, aside from 'font decision 2008'. There are pretty much only a handful of things left to do, however, in case you think I enjoy blogging about it it's only that I dislike planning so much I honestly feel like breaking out the champagne every time we finish one. Haha. In fact we may have do that Friday night! Just because.

Also I am anxiously waiting for a new Pioneer Woman Black Heels chapter - should be any day! It's like crack I promise you... it's such a good story, sucks you in like a black hole of romance. The other day we had Sean's mother and her boyfriend over for coffee and she asked if we're writing our own vows. She thought that was sooooo romantic, as Sean and I both laughed heartily at the mere idea. Right, us actually writing something not meant to be funny in any way - suuure. That doesn't sound romantic at all! Yet here I am, on my toes to read more of a love saga literally titled "black heels to tractor wheels" Definitely a wtf-face on that one.. at myself!

Deviate

My Dad is a deviant artist now! He's been doing all kinds of sketches since his eye lens replacement surgery and I think they're fantastic, so I'm pimping him out if you're interested in that sort of thing. I'm pretty proud of him.


Be sure to leave a comment if you like them - he's new :)

2 :1

Google Search Winner: Hold me Retard.




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The only thing I have scheduled for tomorrow is eating cake! Free cake!
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This exists!? And I need that right away.



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I fell on our weirdly paved driveway last night and sprained my foot. My neighbor who witnessed it said I was the 4th person she saw do that.

Today

Parents will pay anything if we tell them other daycares are cancer causing

Google's Daycare Debacle.

Of course when I read this I couldn't believe what they were doing; hiking employee daycare costs up 68% and suddenly people who were supposed to be benefiting from using daycare at Google, are now paying more than usual. If you read it, they aren't even adding any new "teachers" for their ratio, and also I just don't see why teachers specifically are called for on a play-based curriculum. Especially with infants and toddlers. WHAT? right. I know this is a personal issue here for me and there might be a whole bunch of retarded reasons for doing this, but I would love to be in the meeting where they came up with those numbers. $2400 a month for an infant? That is an entire $50,000 salary for someone, on one child alone? Their old ratio numbers say that one person can care for two of these infants, two $50,000 salaries, and now their adding more kids but no more teachers. That seems.. double unreasonable. Lord help you if you have *gasp* 2 kids! That is about $75 a day per kid, and I happen to know anything CLOSE to a reasonable daily child rate would stop at the highest $50 mark. Hell, even Montessori daycare and pre-pre-schools are $10,000 a half semester.. and technically THAT'S CHEAPER. If you ask me, I think this space race to the smartest kid in the room is getting a little out of hand since these children are basically still drooling on themselves. I wonder sometimes about those kinds of parents and how bad their childhoods must have been, or how much their parents must have worked and neglected them if they have so much parent guilt already. Kids don't need to be in school before their in school! Why can't they be just kids for a certain portion of their lives? Even more I wonder, back to this Google ridiculousness.. didn't they used to advertise this to be a benifit to work there? And if you DID pay their unbelievable NEW pricing*...

What would you, as a parent, be working for at that point? And to those daycare providers, well, who are you really helping?






*Plus a new $250 waiting list fee, to show you're interested... even though they site the main reason in doing all of this to be due to an 'abundance in numbers of kids' ...but they still aren't sure if you're interested. Even if you're already enrolled, you might not be interested, so you have to pay an extra $225. The fee used to be $25 but for $25.. how interested could you be? Not enough apparently!

Things that look like other things

the new "aproned" Colonel Sanders for KFC

Celebrating

I hope Canada Day was great for everybody.. I know I enjoyed the neighborhood fireworks last night on our walk. You'd think out here people wouldn't be putting on their own shows in the middle of the street but if you thought that you would be wrong. A number of people bought out a whole Mexican village full of fireworks and set them all off in pot planters right next to their huge houses and freakishly unafraid kids. How scary/fun!

I think the best part of the night though was passing by a house that had a full stretch limo parked in their long driveway. Now that's luxurious! lol. We have many running jokes around here about the residents of Oakville - like ordering a pizza with blood diamonds as toppings, ordering a fake pizza that needs to smell and look real but be completely inedible etc. So seeing a full stretch limo parked in someone's driveway was totally awesome, and begged the question - what came first? the limo or the oversized driveway?

Anyhow, actually I did all of my real celebrating on Monday due to a very long, complicated issue being resolved that day for me. My baby bought me a nice dress, had some champagne, wine, then Wes came over with *Stacey and we went out to Boston Pizza to celebrate the hell out of their fishbowls full of alcohol. It only takes 2 of those to make me retarded and I forgot to bring home Sean's dessert, he went to bed, and I decided I really needed another beer for absolutely no reason. Thank God for Canada Day... my sleepy hangover day!

I don't regret the celebrating part since there's been a whole lot of things going my way lately so it was really called for. Invitations are done and being mailed out (and my grandma actually complimented me on them! WOW), made a bunch of money for something that was broken, my burn is on the really tan side and it's barely July! the cottage is at the end of the month and there's new owners this year and a bunch of new stuff, there was a new Weeds to watch, found an awesome photgrapher - cake - minister, and just getting a coffee at Starbucks at almost closing time after fireworks scored us like $30 sandwiches! Apparently they have to throw them away and the girl hates doing that, so we got free lunch today! Yaaay.



*She said I could call her Stacey, which was awesome

Mysteries of the Universe

Well I have a bunch of good news, and one bit of bad news that I can turn into good news. Here goes...

YAY I got a sunburn at the splash park! Now I can use my cool Biotherm After-Sun stuff early this year. No need to wait for when I burn at the cottage, I can be super moisturized and sparkly right now.

Really it's prefect for me since I think the cure for a burn is in fact sparkles.. they just somehow make me feel better. I should really just buy the whole line of products with how badly I burn the first few times in the sun. I wore short shorts for about 10 mins in the direct sunlight last week and my skin's first reaction was to get all red blotchy and angry like.. what the FUCK is this? the sun? you're exposing me to sunlight now?

Eventually my pale English-ness gets over it and then I turn a little Italian Olive, but nothing bridges that transitional period better than this Biotherm stuff.. and believe me, I've tried a lot of stuff! Even some unorthodox methods like getting a sunburn and then going out in the sun some more for some reason. The sun made my sunburn, maybe it can cure it?

How else can I make this good news? Like I said, at least I won't burn at the cottage this year! My burning days will be long gone by then.*

I have such an appreication for my Jersey Fit sheets right now.








* Moment of silence to remember Cottage 2005. Known as the year I drove up in my red cabrio with the top down all 5 hours and got the most horrible sunbelt burn, which looked as if I was swimming in acid, and had to stay out of the sun (and my bra) the entire week! How I avoided skin cancer that year is one of the greatest myteries of the universe.

Fuck

Legendary comedian George Carlin has died. Sad news... Jerry Seinfeld wrote a great letter about him for the NY Times.

I suppose in the spirit of the things I always found funny about him, I'll tell you something that really irritates me, and, use as much swearing as possible.



Health Information.

I read "did you know ____ is bad for you?" all the time and as anyone would, I think to myself, oh no I don't want to eat something that is bad for me! What do I eat then? The answer is always: nothing! Don't eat anything at all! Or more specifically, look, we don't know what you should be eating we just know _____ will fucking kill you.

Example: MILK.

Great so milk is so fucking bad for you that if you don't drink or eat any dairy products for just 7 days your body will let go of 1 gallon of mucus. Disgusting! It may even be responsible for Autism.. possibly the scariest condition ever.. plus basically a billion other diseases. Ok so, no milk, got it! I guess I'll drink soy milk?

NO SOY MILK IS EVEN WORSE SOMEHOW! The truth about soy. Oh and Rice milk doesn't have enough nutrients so you have to get calcium from somewhere else, so go worry about that! Fantastic.

Great! Soooooo "health information" people, you're really great at scaring the shit out of me anytime I want to eat something so why not give me some ideas about what I can eat? Or at least something that won't kill me.. I'm just looking to keep living, here. I had the good fortune of reading the Peta brochure.. and wow, Pigs actually go mad from not being able to turn around? And they're more intelligent than Dogs.. so I can't eat that anymore. Goodbye, Wendy's Baconator! Anything else, assholes? Anyone else want to tell me what sucks to eat? I'm all ears! Just give me a list of what I need to buy ok, I won't question it, but right now I need to know WHAT CREAM SUBSTANCE DO I PUT IN MY ORGANIC FREE-TRADE COFFEE... just tell me that!


This is exactly why there is a Measles outbreak. Some mother-fuckers started telling parents that the vaccine gives you Autism and give you no other information, like how that ingredient has now been taken out of the MMR vaccine, so rather than risk doing something bad like mentally retarding their children people just are too afraid to do anything at all! And I'm not sure why those cunts don't see the responsibility they have to give people alternatives and not just sitting there wondering is anything good for you? *

I mean just last week my Dad was in a panic after watching something on 60 minutes about how much cell time I was using, and got me that MagicJack so he didn't have the mental image of cooking my brain everytime he called me.

I'm telling you.. a few more years of this and people are going to just ziplock bag themselves up, put an IV drip in their arm to eat, sit in a cave, and avoid contact with anyone or anything.





*I forgot a couple swear words: cocksucker, bitch, piss and tits. Ok done.

Dream Kitchen

Search of the Week: Google: baby pool disinfect dead squirrel




Poor little squirrel. I think it's funny that they were looking for something to specifically disinfect for squirrels though. Hey, who knows, maybe there is!

I think it's also funny, while we're on it, how search engines have basically become doctors and confession boxes seeing as we tell them everything!

Google how to get rid of crabs from a hooker... wait, a hooker who is half Chinese-half Portuguese. That might be different. She had a lower back tattoo of an angry beaver... Google hooker identification on the HIV positive list. Wait, also Google did I overpay for sexual services... I feel like I did. I should have researched this online before my trip to Cuba.

I say this admitting my one guilt of stupid dream interpretation searches.
I'm totally superficial about it too, if the website looks like some hippie in 1999 made it... aka it has terrible html and dream catchers and wind chimes all over it.. then I am less apt to believe the interpretations. Usually I sit there not being able to find anything I'd just dreamt of but whenever I do I'm pretty skeptical about it anyway, so I'm not sure what the point was of searching. Well, that is, other than possibly finding an interpretation that is so obviously true that is uses both my first and last name in the answer. lol. Last night for example I has such a ridiculous dream: I was cooking during some party I was having and this guy kept coming into the kitchen to flirt with me.

Flirting

To dream that you are flirting or that someone is flirting with you, represents your need for intimacy and affection. You may be about to enter into a serious commitment or relationship in the near future.

Interesting since we're off to London today to tour and book the Inn. Still... didn't see my first OR last name on it so clearly it's too vague. Keep trying, dream dictionary!

Little Boxes

Little boxes on the hillside, Little boxes made of ticky tacky
Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes all the same
There's a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.



Literally every one of my favourite shows lately are ones that I don't watch for some reason then hear about how it's awesome but then don't watch it on purpose because now I feel left out.. and then eventually decide that enough time has passed where I and the last person on earth (aka Sean) should start watching every episode in a marathon-like fashion.

Enter: Weeds.

And the people in the houses all went to the university
Where they were put in boxes and they came out all the same,
And there's doctors and there's lawyers, and business executives
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

I just finished watching Episode 1 of Season 4 tonight and now I unfortunately have to actually wait for shows to happen on their regular schedule.. when "the man" wants me to view my favourite shows. There are so many things wrong with waiting to watch TV. In any case I just love this show, the characters are hilarious especially Kevin Nealon.. and their fictional town of Agrestic reminds me so much of living in Oakville that it makes it all that much funnier.

And they all play on the golf course and drink their martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children and the children go to school
And the children go to summer camp and then to the university
Where they are put in boxes and they come out all the same.

They also have such a fantastic soundtrack.. naturally when Nancy walks out of the guy's house to the kick-ass Jenny Owen Young's "What the Fuck (was I thinking?)" well I just fell completely in love with the show. The only thing that could get better in the 4th season is some ill Scarlett.. hey it's a show about pot, I'm sure it could happen. Finger's Crossed for One A or Mary Jane getting played while something absolutely ridiculous happens.. let's say with Andy.





By the way, I mean really, who has sex with Matthew Modine? He's practically plastic!



And the boys go into business and marry and raise a family In boxes made of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

Gidgets

The weekend was pretty nice, we biked a lot of it - in fact mostly unintentional 18K "we got lost" 4-hour ride but as soon as we were pretty sure we would survive it was fun! Yesterday we took my Dad and Grandparents out to dinner for Father's Day/Also Birthday. As a side note: don't you just love it when the waitress at fancy-pants restaurants seem like they can't conceal their hatered for their job any longer? I'm not saying they should just LOVE getting me food but honestly, love it a bit more than the chick at Appleby's ok? Love that you didn't have to get anyone crayons at my table or sing when it's someone's birthday.

Anyway on the way to dinner my newly 70 year old grandpa got to test out his present, the TomTom GPS navigator thing. It's pretty damn accurate and apparently can read you audio books, hook up to your phone, find all the gas stations and bank machines, play music and give you a Sweedish massage. Alright that last one, not so much, but by the end of the trip all the men in my life decided they now can no longer find their way around anywhere without one.

My Dad also bought me this MagicJack thing and I'm trying to get it working at my house - something about my router is giving me probs - I guess it's like Skype but I get a phone number from California! I uh.. am a fan of their shutters? Other gadgets I'm a fan of recently: the new Sony Vaio seems to be so kick-ass that I almost don't mind it runs Vista! Lastly, I'm considering buying the Yaris as my new car - regardless of how absolutely Euro that seems. This is how I see it. When you get into a car accident, rather than go the other dumber way which is to need to drive a Hummer (aka a fucking pimp tractor) so you can DESTROY the next car that hits you, instead I want a car so fuel efficient that if I survive I can chase them in their car till they run out of gas, beat the hell out of them and leave them stranded then drive myself back home and then to Chicago to buy myself a celebratory "kill" pizza.

Flavour Country

Search of the Week: since I'm no longer accepting questionable searches, the winner is my own site name "asgoodasitgets" which frequently gets searched.. I don't know why. Come on, just type it into the browser. Grab some balls.




My 70 year old grandfather set his quit date as his birthday - yesterday. Sure, I mistook his standing pace breathing for a squeak toy... and he can't sleep at night without hacking something up but I'm really sure him quitting is going to fix everything. Here's something nobody tells you smokers by the way - you SMELL, for real, and it doesn't matter what you do. Anytime my Mom sends me something I have to disinfect it because I honestly can't stand the smell. That's right, I'm not a clean freak, I let things slide all the time - the smell is really just that bad! Now I think about it I don't know how anyone ever came to my old house without a mask. I'm a little surprised I had as many friends/boyfriends, now that I'm not around smoke I realize it's basically like sleeping in a slaughter house. Mmm death.

Honestly though today my Mom sends me a kiddie pool and it couldn't have smelled more like nicotine.. how is that possible? I'm thinking did she blow the smoke right on it? How do you even disinfect a plastic kiddie pool, even? I'm serious.. I'm going to be outside figuring this out tomorrow. Lemons? Is it lemons? Lemons and Mr Clean?

By the way, I think my new car is going to be whatever doesn't run on gas. So either a hot air balloon or road-windsurfing. Both of those sound awesome actually.... fuck cars!

Finally! A comic with a subject I can relate to.

nataliedee.com



It's really a rare thing when your most horrifying nightmare creeps into waking life, like when I bit into bubblegum ice cream a few weeks ago and part of my tooth actually broke. My heart almost exploded out of my chest from pure terror. It was great!

Now I just have to be chased by a bunch of people and find myself only able to run in slow motion and we'll be set!

Alright here's a stupid craft story for you

Do you remember that show in the 80s (if you're Canadian) called "Just Like Mom" ? They let these kids go crazy in a kitchen full of food to "create" a dish while their Mothers watched in horror knowing at the end they'd have to eat some of it. It was totally my favourite show ever! If the kids made something with let's say, and egg on top I'd be all.. OH NO THAT ISN'T AN INGREDIENT IN APPLE PIE, YAY YOU HATE YOUR MOM THIS IS GOING TO BE SO AWESOME. If the Mom made a face when she went to eat it I'd be super pissed too; what's her problem? Is she too good for chocolate pepper ketchup rice pie?

And that basically explains the rest of this story. I like inventing things. For fun I thought of all the stuff I have made as a kid which were not crafts and came up with a short list to share:


- perfume + other perfume + more perfume = my own better perfume
- water + hand lotion = my own better hand lotion
- toothpaste and floss on paper = fridge art that smells nice!
- apple juice + milk = newer better drink
- milk in a cup in the bathroom = my own better cheese?

etc.


A big problem I have with crafting - other than it means you're crazy - is you're not really making or inventing anything new. Sure if you refinish a table it'll look better but probably as good as it looked brand new OR just a bit different. If you made a new sort of table that becomes a cupboard though, that would be cool. Same with anything else so I guess I don't really appreciate "art" on it's own... I'd really prefer it did something. Even today I still enjoy thinking about my own inventions on a regular basis. I have some pretty good ones! just waiting for some 3M kind of company to listen to my ideas. And knock on my door and ask me if I have any. lol.


By the way all of those previous inventions I listed were all horrible especially the last one. The toothpaste one wasn't AS bad I suppose... just weird. I also realize nobody wants perfume that comes in a giant tub and smells so strong it could rape cats.


If you want to feel better about me possibly calling you "crafting people" crazy and that list didn't do it then please, read on.

When I was I dunno, maybe 10? maybe 12.. I'm bad with ages, I could have been 6. I decided to make something out of cardboard. It was SUCH a great idea, whatever it was, that there was no deterring me. So I'm sawing away at this cardboard piece with a huge carving knife. My mom kept knives everywhere but that's another story - actually no its not really a story she simply kept knives everywhere. So my Dad walks in, asks what I'm doing, I tell him - along with what a brilliant idea it was - and he says "Ok.. well be careful with that. Are you sure you don't want scissors?" Oh no, impossible, I already tried scissors and they weren't good enough. I showed him where my thumb was red from trying that.. like jeeze DAD. He tells again to be careful about cutting myself and knowing he can't deter me from doing it, leaves to do something else. I am bothered by the mere mention my brilliant idea may not be as great as I thought, and as far as cutting myself with a knife this big well that's just stupi... oops I just sliced right through my finger. Oh dear god it's bad, it's purple, what to do? Go call my Dad? Oh no, not that! He would just be proven right about me cutting myself, can't have that. Ok let's just calmly walk to the sink in horror and wash it, lightly put a band aid over the flap of skin and pretend it never happened.

I now have a scar in the shape of a flap and for a while I really did forget where it came from. I'd totally love to end this stupid craft story for you with some kind of message about how I learned my lesson but I'd be absolutely lying. I actually have a similar story from when I was very very much younger than that and I was in the bathroom having climbed up on the counter in front of the mirror trying to shave my face "just like my Dad" ironically! Anyway I didn't know what the hell shaving your face was even for, nicked my skin above my lip and when my Dad walked in and asked me what the red stuff was, rather than admit I cut myself I licked it off and said it was ketchup. It stung and my dad laughed and it was a favourite story of his. To be fair my parents DID tell me blood was ketchup when I saw it on TV. So you see it's just my natural reaction to be a complete and utter stubborn child! I think up stupid ideas I do them no matter what, I don't enjoy ANY criticism on them, and I don't ask for help when I get in trouble I rather just pretend it's not happening instead.

My poor parents - I'm so totally screwed if my child is anything like me and it's almost a certainty that they will be. Tell me what to do? But that's the opposite of what I want to do! No dice, ma!

Even though I despise it, to my credit I am now more likely to ask for help and also criticism because it is helpful - even to someone who knows everything or doesn't like to share everything, like me ;) ! Nevertheless I'd appreciate if you'd support me if I gave you things made out of toothpaste OK? Thanks a bunch!