Easy Bake

Before I even start this post I want to make something clear to everyone at home; ever needing to refer to your children, if you have them, by saying 'all' as in 'all of them' is a exceptionally weird thing for me to get used to.  Not the singular, not 'both' but all.. could be 3, could be 19 (it's 3).  That said, all my kids have consecutive birthdays in December, January and February.  I'm sure I will get the hang of planning these epic parties someday but this year I'd decided to bake all their birthday cakes myself.  Is it because I'm starting my own Facebook cake business, Ann's Crazy Cakes?  Unfortunately not.  It's not even an instance where I felt like I would even be good at it.  It just hadn't occurred to me until now that my children might actually appreciate my effort to bake them their birthday cake, no matter the result; and if they are anything like me.. especially if they can make fun of me for it later.    So let's see the results!!

Kieran's cake is locked away on someone's camera since mine died, but I know he enjoyed it.. 

10 good deeds

One of the things on my 30-30 list is do 10 good deeds.  I am not going in any order here because why the hell should I do that?  So I added this because I didn't want to do just one good deed, anyone can do one good thing and I like to think I do good deeds regularly anyway but 10 seemed like I'd have to seek some out.  I won't list them all but I made it to 10 yesterday; I went looking in the classifieds to volunteer to take an elderly man in my area to Church on Sundays.  Another good deed that was a favourite was getting to give some infant snow suits away to families that needed them.  On that note I just wanted to mention that although it's not a 'good deed' by my classification (aka needing to go somewhat significantly out of your way for a person you don't know at no benefit to you) I get stopped while shopping an AWFUL LOT from other moms or grandparents asking me for advice on products to purchase.  I've never thought to do that myself but it's probably not a bad idea!  Plus, it's fun to be reminded that maybe I do know a thing or two about a thing or two ;)  Except dry ice, I still don't completely understand how that works.. mostly because I think I'd like the answer to be MAGIC!

30 before 30: my temperamental memory

This 30 before 30 list will be also my count to my last blog post here.  I have no idea what my perspective in life would have ever been like without that 'spot' to have written things out, done nothing at all with, felt pressured when I've done nothing at all with it to write when I had nothing good to write, regretted writing things out that I shouldn't have written out at all, not written things I wanted to write out because I was afraid at what would happen if they were read, been grateful that whatever I've written because (good or bad) they had actually become a physical, readable, part of my own memory, and been totally embarrassed I had written whatever I wrote because it was LIKE YANNO a dumb or overly dramatic 20 year old thing to say etc.

Oh and in case nobody has noticed, I've known since University that although an English major I have quite the problem changing tenses when I write.  You're welcome for all of that horrible reading!

All of these reasons are why I think asgoodasitgets has lived up to the name I gave it; it's as good as this will ever get, as good as I could expect to make it, and that is usually when you should say goodbye.

I am ready for March 1st!*





*If I don't happen to meet my deadline, aka. the "before" in 30 before 30, I will still update until the list is completed.  I won't turn into a pumpkin.

Instafun

My dad, who is a 'real' photographer, makes fun of me for my instant-photography but I take no offense.. it's a FUN thing.  If I can be creative for 18 seconds a day, great!   So even though I do not normally do this I'm just going to redirect you to the blog eighteen25 that lists some of the cooler things you can do.   The list is pretty current so why improve on a good thing (when I don't have time)?  Right.

click and enjoy!

If you think that this is where I should put my fave-sta-gram pic of the week, I totally would, but I'm way too excited about this.....

Please ignore me and my giant disappointed sigh in the beginning.. it's caused by trying to videotape this for Dad 80 times, and 79 times he stops the minute I start!

My 40 dollar story

When I was in Grade 8 we had spent a weekend at a summer camp with our class and the Grade 7s.  It was actually a 'spiritual retreat' but most of the activities were just regular camp stuff.  We did airbands to "Jump Around" in our rubber boots, tie dyed our shirts, played soccer games, went on canoe rides, told riddles at dinner, did a midnight hike etc.

Riddle of the Day:  Mary went to the store and she bought 3 for $10.  she went back and bought 67 for $20.  she went back a third time and bought 840 for $30.  What was it that she bought?*


So if you read the post a few days ago it will sound very normal when I tell you that I discovered in about 5 minutes that I was a little better at archery than everyone else, and therefore decided to take it REALLY FUCKING SERIOUSLY and archer everyone in my class into the ground.  You know for fun.  On our spiritual retreat.  So, it was going well, and the geography teacher Mr. Luciani happened to notice my utter lack of subtlety in being awesome.  He decided we'd have a pop the balloons in the bullseye contest.  It was between me and this kid named Cameron, who had freckles and was even more nervous than I was; in fact he seemed flat out scared.  Oh and just for posterity you should know I was wearing a t-shirt and jean overalls.. the really cool kind.  I had to take my windbreaker off the competition was getting so intense! Hahaha.

When I won the contest my teacher BETS ME $20 dollars I couldn't do it again in a very serious "I just took out my money" kind of way.  On a spiritual retreat.  So I did it, and took his $20 dollars, but did he not double or nothing me? he did.  I had no choice but to accept.  Imagine the attention this was getting at this point from all the kids not even just in my grade.. all because our teacher just started betting me real money.  Mr. Luciani started heckling me of course, I couldn't handle the pressure, and the bastard blew up the balloon way too much so the tension made it shift.  There went the $40 along with all my credibility.  Hilariously enough for the rest of the year this one kid in the hall would yell out "40 dollars!" whenever he saw me just to remind me of my failure.   If this was a lifetime movie I imagine this story would be written where I'm a total a-hole kid, my teacher is teaching me some life lessons, and then I get bullied at school.  Lol.  I swear it was all in fun though, I did not mind losing or getting called "40 dollars" for a year.  I actually love that story.


For some reason though that amount of money keeps reoccurring in my life.   Last year Kim gave me a totally street Kijiji nickname of "40 dollaz" due to some of the deals I get, without knowing the story I just told of course.  I am pretty good at it though.  Things I've bought for $40 include, but aren't limited to:

1. a bunk bed
2. a high chair
3. a jumperoo, if you know what those are
4. a car seat that matched the colour stroller I bought
5. two vintage refinished Viscol dressers  <-- that's my favourite one if you can't tell

I just picked up the dressers last night and they are the coolest vintage dressers ever.  I'm decorating the boys attic bedroom in a sort of 1963 World's Fair theme and the dressers were a pretty important part.  I didn't even talk the guy down to $40 dollars.. I would have paid more but that was his asking price.  He also happen to be a really nice guy and we got on chatting about him selling his childhood house because his mother couldn't live alone anymore, which is why I was getting these dressers at all. That house also happened to be incredibly interesting in a time-stopped-passing sort of way.  There was an orange towel neatly hanging in the bathroom that I swear I've used before in the 80s.  My favourite part was when he asked me if I was a freelance writer because of my email address and I had a really good laugh because the only thing I write is this blog.. and I just can't cut out the swears enough.  I'm nothing if I don't have integrity in all the swearing I do online.  Ironically though I am writing about it right now, huh? 

  

*House Numbers

a favourite

Being the job

I used to work at an art gallery for a semester in school booking tours, mailing flyers, amongst a bunch of misc. other things.  It was pretty cool because when I went there I knew nothing about art whatsoever (it was an educational asst. position, no knowledge required) and when I left, I did.  When I was told how to do my job the very first thing I did was spend an entire day in my office recording the outgoing message on my phone, that part was suuuuper important, totally required a day of work.

After about a week of the ins and outs of all the technical stuff on how to input things and merging documents for printing our mailing lists, I asked my boss if she'd like me to write up a manual on how to do my job for my predecessors.   I didn't mean it as a douchey thing it's just I figured it would really save a lot of time.  So I did that.. and I put a clipart on the front that was the guy reaching for the stars!  A little ironic because my entire list of responsibilities took me about 30 mins to complete and either nobody wanted to point that out before or enjoyed having a black hole of time in the middle of the day.  Thankfully my boss found some other projects for me to complete which was nice.  I was able to contribute a couple papers on some history of their outdoor installations since Hamilton has lots of stuff like that to learn about and I get curious about those things.  I spent a lot of time getting to explore the exhibits.. one of which was the Hitchcock exhibit which included playing the movie Psycho on a continuous 8 hour loop.  Neat right?  I remember I designed some activities for the kids who visit the gallery and prepared a slide show presentation for some reason, too.  Maybe she ran out of tasks during my semester there but it kept me interested and that was pretty great as far as work goes.

Maybe I do sound douchey, I don't really know, but the truth is I've never been good at "being the job".  I definitely wouldn't call myself any sort of overachiever, uhh.. more like a consumer of interests who is competitive about random things.  I don't get it it's just my personality and there is not a thing I can change about that as much as someone who loves the opposite could change that, if they even wanted to.  That person would at least be extremely efficient!  I'm not entitled to a life doing only things that interest me and I know that, I'm a grown up, but I still have to say... Self, if I have to do these dishes I am going to DO THE SHIT OUT OF THEM.  The dishes have to really need me.  Kinda like my vague interest in Pintrest vs Wanelo. I don't even know how to count the many things I've been suckered into doing based solely on the nagging idea that I don't see anyone doing it as awesome as I would be doing it, if I cared.  Ah crap, NOW I CARE.  And there you go, I just explained the story of my life right there.

I thought of this as a post when I made the valentines for Ethan's class yesterday.  The already good and simple idea of hershey kisses in a bag (printable link) just wasn't good enough when I went to print them out because "you know, it'd be cuter to put blue Cookies & Cream hershey kisses instead of red to match the label, so I am going to spend an hour in photoshop changing the colours because now it just doesn't look right."  As if the candy will taste different.. I mean, the colours just don't make sense how can I eat this??  

If you're questioning why it took me an hour to do this it is because I couldn't find the right blue colours to match, so I took a picture of the actual candy I had and needed to carefully colour match from the pixels.   Waste. of. time.  If you don't count my personal sense of satisfaction obviously, which most jobs don't.

Aren't they so cute in blue though???

I suppose I am either lucky, or it was flat out necessary that I have a job where "being the job".. the one I both get paid for and being a regular Mom to my boys is a) pretty fun b) my personal satisfaction does count and c) wasting time is fine because I create all the tasks.

Oh and I win at class valentines these were totally the best :)  

Thank goodness I'm done this post because this wasn't one of my tasks today, of course.

Fucking where?

I enjoy Kijiji based on the horrible spelling alone.  Ads that boast something is "shappy chic" or that they have a "couch with adman" for sale just make me smile, what can I say.. it's the little things.  As you can imagine I can't spend all day on there so I was pretty excited to have an excuse to browse since I need a little couch for the playroom.. 

...well, Kijiji (or jeej) once again did not fail me.

Oh yeah I know that area, right next to the Costco?  I can just imagine putting this address into my GPS and it telling me to drive into the middle of the Atlantic ocean.  Hey, I would guy, but that's at least $60 worth of gas right there.

My Interests

I ended up looking at Wanelo for a bit and was so close to creating a Pintrest account... because as far as I can tell everyone is doing it wrong.

:: Etsy bag :: Buy book ::

What a year looks like

When you have a piece of your DNA living in the world, aging, running around scaring the shit out of you if they ever get hurt, learning things, having their own birthdays.. let me know if you figure out how to describe that because I still can't.  What I do know is my baby Kierbear is the fucking sweetest little thing, in the words of Ethan, "he's so cute I just want to puke"  This will be my last birthday post before mine, I suppose, which isn't that far away.  SO AWESOME I keep getting reminded of that every day.

I used to be so much better at describing my feelings when I had time to think about them maybe.  Uhh I like stuff, do you like stuff too? Haha.

Happy Groundhog Day!

My baby's first birthday is on Sunday, and (wow, right?) and I really couldn't have three more different children.  Children who will continue to be even more different if just for having each other to grow up with.  I note their accomplishments and uniqueness every single day in my invisible mommy notebook, and try and give them the attention at times as they were my only boy in the world.  As only a mother who is an only child would need to do, I'm sure.

As you know though, I have an unmarketable talent for noticing things that look like other things.. and what else is Groundhog Day good for other than a day of unimportant news stories as well as celebrating things that stay the same.  So I will share a picture I made of smiles of my boys that I caught just before all three had their first birthdays.

Have a great day!

Snow, why you be so pretty for?

I don't remember a Winter where it has snowed less.  On this day we were in the car on our way to Sunday dinner and I said it looked more like Christmas than Christmas did this year.

Get with it, Winter, I need you to do what you're supposed to do.

Totally obsessed with Saturday...

Pet fireflies:

Prints by Blanca Gómez:
(shop)

Vintage Space stuff:

Hipster tattoos:  

FUN FAIL: SUPERHERO PARTY FREE PRINTABLE IDEAS and other google key words you're going to type

First of all I'm not here to tell you that our party was the best Superhero party evaaaa.. on the contrary it wasn't pretty like the picture I put up a few posts ago and in fact we barely even had time to TAKE any pictures of the party.  It had a few cool ideas I thought the kids would like because truthfully, kids just like playing whatever they want to play anyway, and let's not forget the snow outside.  So here's a list of stuff I either used, meant to use, and it's ALL FREE because that's how I roll for kids parties.  And it's also how I roll for helping anyone out who spent 40 hours searching stuff online like I did.


T-SHIRT PARTY FAVOUR:

• Instead of capes which a lot of parties have, I decided to make the kids t-shirts.  All the t-shirts I bought at Michaels including the iron on paper.  I designed the logos and stuff on Skitch.  I also wasted a huge amount of time (which is why I'm a poor party planner) on making sure each of the logos had a superhero that looked like the kid they were for, hair colour and everything.  Ethan's was the only one that was different.

If I were to do this again, I would put more planning thought into how to iron something on the front AND back of a shirt without ruining the other side.  




PRINTABLE FOOD STUFF:

Cupcake Toppers

I used a couple for the cake I made along with some candy pops I bought at Michaels.  Yes, everyone, hard to believe but I made this cake!  Why don't I have my own facebook group?

It looked slightly better than this in real life, somehow, but was there even one small slice left?  The Lego Star Wars cake from last year was barely eaten.  You decide what I know about cake.

Snack signs (I used blueberries, yogurt pretzels, grapes, bananas, veggie chips, carrots)

this was on the internet so I am pretty sure I won't go to jail if I share it

Lollipop mask and capes for the favour bags

CRAFTS AND DECORATIONS:

• Control panels the kids can make.  I replaced this cool idea with a Build your Supermobile table with Lego because I ran out of time to collect the supplies.
• Cards and sticker printables Justice League.. colour your own or not, so cute
• I made a BAT CAVE sign and filled a room full of cut out bats.  I didn't realize I was inviting the kids to kill the bats so maybe find some silly string for this.  
• I also wasted my time and made the sign with glow in the dark paint because at 11am I can totally block out the sun... fun fail

TEEPEE your basement in paper Spiderwebs!
if you want a laugh don't explain to the kids what they should do with them and watch a few try and avoid them like an obstacle course.. yet they destroyed the bats.. makes no sense

Colouring the City.. I was going to do a wall of this but didn't have the printer power.. so I cut out Superhero colouring pages instead, taped them together on the table with crayons, masks and stickers.

Happy Birthday Banner letters here, you paste them on pennants you make from cutting out triangles of real comic books.  I'm sure you can eyeball the banner flag size yourself so I won't go find a link for  you, and you just hole-punch the sides to string it up.  I had only Betty and Veronica comics though and therefore didn't do this one in time.  Looked really cool though!

Enjoy your parties! hope you got some good ideas.

Honk Honk Punch, gas gas gas

One of the things that bothers my hubbs about my driving is that I'm not 'agressive' enough.  In our relationship he is the Yin and I am, obviously, the other one who doesn't teach anyone any lessons via honking my horn or f-bombs that only people inside my car can hear.  I've had people nearly cause me to get in an accident more than a few times and still the most they get is a short honk to say "whats the matter with you, huh?"

However, I happen to be driving somewhere tonight and thinking on something that was bothering me when suddenly this car jets across two lanes to cut me off, but stops in front of me and puts their turn signal on as if we were in a turning lane.. which we were not.  It was a regular travelling lane and there was also no traffic coming so he could have turned at any time, literally.  I sat there in disbelief of course, and for some reason I just laid my fucking horn on until that asshole finally moved out of the lane/my way.  It was 30 seconds of AWESOME!

Do you know that honestly I felt so good afterward?  I don't know what it was but if I could only do that 100 more times I'm positive nothing at all would ever bother me about anything, ever again.

What a picky little nobody, that Fred

My son invited his imaginary friend Fred to his birthday. The next day he told me that Fred declined since he did not like our theme.  I asked if he explained that Superheros were really cool, and that the party would have fun games, he said he did tell him that but Fred wasn't having any of it.

I'm not talking about a wolverine

I don't know if your house has one of these things..  these dirty, wild things, which are loud, demanding and sneak all over the house leaving death and destruction behind them.  I think they're technically called an almost 6 year old boy.  If you have one then you don't even need to read anymore.. and frankly I wouldn't be on the internet at all if I were you.  I'm sure there's some pee on the wall somewhere you need to attend to anyhow.  You're excused.

For everyone else, my pet wolverine is having a 6th birthday party next week.  So my mind is currently trying to be 6, and a boy, and figure out some fun superhero themed activities to entertain... what, 10? of his friends for 3 hours.  10??  Yeah my kid apparently is ultra popular or just hates leaving anyone out of anything.  If you think 3 hours isn't a long time.. I'd like to show you what happened the first 10 minutes when we tried to take our family Christmas picture.

All I keep coming across in my research of superhero parties is that you do not love your kids whatsoever (and they will KNOW IT) if their party doesn't resemble this...

9 hours of prep &  20 mins of enjoyment

I'm clearly not organized enough in my ideas to ever be a party planner.. or really anything with the word planner in the title.  Let's be serious, or hire someone to do it for me.  In the time that it's taken me to type this my 2 year old has sauntered downstairs from playing in the loft with his brother, wearing nothing but a diaper and carrying my yoga mat.  Before I can wonder where his clothes went to, my almost 6 year old is whispering in my ear that he needs to know where I hid the Lego jar-jar-binx RIGHT NOW.. oh and also where are we going today and also when is it going to stop raining and also look at me build R2D2's brother named R211.. oh and hey.. explain black holes to me.  This is normal.

I now forget any ideas I just had... but it whatever it is it will be a mess, have sugar, and be fun.  Pretty much the motto of my whole life.

5 douchey things to douche

There are not a whole lot of things that can make you an instant douchebag.  Over time, sure, but that's a hard judgement to put across in the mere seconds you meet someone.

Some exceptions:

1. Your wifi network is ALL CAPS and it's just YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIENDS NAMES UNDERSCORE NETWORK.  It would almost be less douchy if they were slightly imaginative..
2. Twirling your car keys when you get out of the car.. double douchery if you're wearing a leather jacket!
3. Paying for hundreds of dollars worth of wine out of your $300 Coach wallet and actually decline to add a dollar to your purchase to donate to some Christmas charity, likely for kids.  Douche excuse?  Oh I'm here buying liquor and shit all the time, because I run out so fast, so I've already donated or whatever.. 
4. Telling someone (me), in the bitchiest way possible right off the bat, to wait until you push a button before they (me) are allowed to come up to the counter and pay for something extremely heavy that they (me) had been waiting to put down.  I know, this has literally happened to no one other than (me).
5. Stalking someone in your car to confront them in person about their driving.  Then agreeing with them.  If you're going to go that far into being a douchebag, at least stick to whatever irrational ideas you had in the first place.

Just saying!  Sometimes there is no grey area.. it's just black or asshole.

None were Danny Glover

If 2012 has been much of anything so far, it's only been a reminder of all the things I should give up.. including this very blog which I've mentioned being on my 30th birthday.  How great that is coming up real soon, huh?  My reasoning at the time was that something which started when I was 19 should really be over by the time I'm 30.. and I'd have blogged about nothing for my entire twenties.  Kinda neat I thought. Pretty appropriate, too.

How did I ring in the new year?  Says the nearly 30 year old.. drinking spiced rum and cokes and playing Hedbanz with my friends!!!  Not ironically either, Kim searched for it and we had a shit tonne of fun playing for like 3 hours mostly because it does not get easier since you forget all the clues from your last turn.  For others I mean; I was still strangely good at it.  I guessed I was potato skin for gods sakes.. and poor Paul guessed he was Danny Glover every time it was his turn, and it was Danny Glover zero of the times haha.

Me and Kimmah

Kim: I'm a historical figure, am I a male? do I make people sad? ......................................I'M JESUS! 

Overheard in the Car aka Happy New Year

parked in front of the beer store playing 'eye spy'

Ethan - I spy with my liiiiittle eye, something that is yellow!

Me - Hmm.. 

Ethan - I will give you three clues

1. it has bubbles
2. you and Daddy like it
3. Gabey doesn't like it

Me - is it beer?

Ethan - YES!!

Have a great night everyone!

Like fire and powder

As a former English major (I try not to remind people of that constantly, like buy them dictionaries and scoff at their texting and shit, but I did once have tonnes of time to read!) and a secret obsessive lover of many things Shakespeare, you can imagine that having a favourite passage is kinda nerdy to confess.. but for whatever reason this has always been mine.  I thought I would share it, going into a new year.. I am reminded you can read a passage so many times and each year we change, it gains a different meaning.

These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume: The sweetest honey is loathsome in his own deliciousnessAnd in the taste confounds the appetite: Therefore love moderately
Read more: William Shakespeare: Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene VI 

Oh and just to set things straight, as a rule, you should always listen to what Friar Lawrence says.. except when he tells you to pretend to kill yourself.

Live well, love moderately, 2012.

Merry Christmas

Differences from this year and last year:

• if you think your child won't notice that the Santa at the mall and the Santa in his special Christmas video are different, he will
• if you think your child won't stumble into your open closet and see his gift from Santa, which you then have to return and buy a different one, he will
• if you think your child won't burst into tears because he confesses he hasn't been good at all this year and is very sure he won't get anything for Christmas, he will
• if you think your child won't point out a minor bulge in his stocking early and discover there is stuff in it, he most definitely will

So the only difference really is I need to be exponentially smarter every year.  Fantastic.  Have a great Christmas everyone, I have 3 hours of wrapping to complete and a bunch of wine that will not drink itself.  Good night!

"Well, there are candles.. a lot of them.. and you get presents, so, it's like birthday party everyday!"
- Ethan, age 5, on his understanding of Hanukah 

The Vegas trip we are planning for our 30th, if it happens, is probably the most excited I'm going to be for anything in 2012.  I don't even know what I want us to do first, drug her on the roof of some building or gamble all our money away on one hand of high stakes poker and spend the rest of the trip sleeping in the desert.  What I do know is I am making her eat one recipe from the White Trash cookbook per meal every day we are there.  Starting with the Peanuts and Pepsi.... ending with something called Pone, or anything made with cooter.

And it's fixed!

My phone screen that is, not the baby.  However we did get sent home yesterday after two more nights there.. and he should be fine soon.  Just thought I'd update that anecdote since it's really annoying when people don't do that.

Kieran did get a few famous visitors while he was there though.  The mayor came by the hospital and gave him a book, and Wayne Gretsky's dad visited while we were out but gave him a bear.  I just wanted to add that this whole experience and seeing the families who have to stay there over the holidays, you could say we're having horrible luck.. or are very fortunate, depending on how you like to see it.  I like to think we're very fortunate.

One thing I did find funny, which I really needed, was I got Andrea's Christmas package while I was at the hospital.. what was inside?

Want to know a really great low-cal pick me up?  Peanuts in a bottle of Pepsi.  YOUR WELCOME!  More awesome recipe's inside, guys!

I also had a really funny moment when I was walking outside last night with Brooke, who just got home for the holidays yay!, and she had just asked how I was doing.  I said "you know, I'm doing much better now" and did I not step in the only foot sized hole in the ground and fall down that very second??  why yes I did!  and it really hurt!  Haha.. guess I will not be telling anyone how well I'm doing for a little while longer.  Back to cookin' vittles.....

What else, December?

For what reason I am typing this I don't even know, boredom is probably 80% of it, because my iPhone screen is completely shattered and working only due to a huge piece of tape. Has anyone has seen that video of the guy opening his iPhone 4s when it came out and he was so careful about it and then his friend comes out of nowhere and smashes it with a hammer and runs away? If you have you know for about 10 seconds you aren't sure if there is anything worse on earth to happen to this guy.

As the literal glass dust crunches under my fingers I only wish that was my biggest problem today but sadly I almost don't care. I do wonder if that guy caught up to his shitty friend and beat the crap out of him though. Today is like the phone hammer moment played on an annoying video loop. Especially since my boredom today is caused by spending the whole night at the hospital and some terrifying hours watching my baby boy in pain. This is the second time this month I am here with one of my kids that if I hadn't lost my sense of humor about 10 hours ago I'd say something like, with Gabriel being a little like curious George and a rabid dog mixed together.. I might as well invite social services over ahead of time.

I wish I had some control over these things and like anyone, or any parent, hate to be reminded that I am not in charge of any of it. I'm sure it would be a relief to some to give up a little control and I wish I knew what I was about Christmas that makes me want to set everything right. This year that seems far off but even so I have this idea that if I sit and watch the lights outside long enough, at peace enough, it somehow will.

The one story I will post about Christmas shopping

.. and two about buying alcohol, just for fun.

1. We have a little extra shopping to do around this time of year since Gabriel is a Christmas baby and it's his birthday on the 20th.  His actual 'Santa' gift hasn't even been purchased yet, we just had enough time to get the really BIG items while Ethan was gone for the day. And I actually do mean BIG as in size.  His birthday present is the biggest, fattest, stuffed dog you'll ever see.  It unsnaps at the bottom to become flat to the size of almost an actual toddler bed.  So after I held onto this thing during a 15 minute line-up.. accidentally knocking a bunch of shit over because the isles are so small.. and I get this motherfucker in an actual bag that I can thankfully drag a little on the ground because my hands are cramped from gripping it (I'm also pushing a stroller somehow, Sean had the other waiting at the exit) I suppose I walked in front of an old lady and she exclaimed that I had cut her off, my god, can you even believe the nerve I must have?  I totally did it on purpose and should just apologize for existing in the mall and wanting to buy something while anyone else was also shopping.
   
   I like to hum a little fa la la la la laaaa to myself whenever that happens.
   
   
2. Could it be due to the holidays that I have been carded at the liquor store the last four times I was by myself?  I really look like I was born before 1992, I know.  I shouldn't know anything about the 80s.  One of my talents is pegging people's ages, which is why I am serious when I say nobody should ask me how old they look hoping for a compliment.  That does happen frequently and nomatter what I take it as a challenge to be as accurate as possible.  Any person on Earth who thinks I am an underage teen enough to make me pull out my ID I consider to just be bad at their jobs: FACT.
   
   2(a) Once was just annoying and the lady thought I should be super happy she even asked me for ID because it's a huge honour.. right.  At least it wasn't like the time before when I had to get my ID from the car which was just stupid.
   
   2(b)Once I chalked it up to wearing my Chococat scarf and vowed to take it off next time.
   
3. This time it's personal......
   
   
   

We didn't love you that year

I don't know what it is about the love/hate relationship little kids have with Santa Claus.  I've often wondered at my part in all of this, if I am creating a whole elaborate Christmas charade where I flat out lie to my kids just to end up having the whole idea scare the shit out of them.   In their little minds, with all the mythical stories and 800 reminders that Santa is watching for good or bad behaviour, does meeting him just make them lose their minds?  I am not sure if any other parent has thought about it as much as I have but my ultimate decider on committing to 'Santa' with Ethan was that every other kid my kids meet will have stories about Santa, his reindeer, and the excitement of a magic present giver delivering things at night.  I'm 29 years old and I still don't want to mess with the memory I have of presents from Santa by giving my parents any credit for doing it all.  I'm sure Santa did it at least one year?  He was just super busy with not existing all the other years, I get it.

This is why I was 12 when my Dad actually had to say to me, you don't really believe in Santa anymore do you??  Listen.. I wasn't sure how dry-ice worked, it was at least possible!

So.. when Gabriel grows up and sees the picture with Santa from Christmas 2011 and asks where he was I will just tell him.. Sweetheart, we loved you enough to let Santa scare the shit out of you.

Final Draft

*if you haven't read this post, I am posting an unpublished draft from all random points in time every day until I run out... which is now*



Title: That's.... Information
July 28, 2011


Sometimes I have an inner conflict between poking fun at how unbelievably strange my mother is, and telling someone to shut their goddamn mouth for talking badly about her.  Ugh.. this must be what it feels like to be Irish.

You see, my mom has a bearded dragon.. that she found.. his name is Oliver.  She walks around with Oliver perched on her shoulder everywhere she goes.

When we took the kids to the fair, Oliver was there.  She was carrying around a bag of cotton candy and a bearded dragon, with my delightful 5 year old running beside her.  He adores her, btw.  It might have something to do with her petitioning 100x harder than he does for us to get a dog.. in front of him and everything.

Almost every person we saw at the fair (which was kind of a lot) would either stop her to say 1) is it real? 2) zomg! it's real 3) HOW COOL I LOVE THOSE THINGS, LADY STOP AND TALK TO ME.  And then she'd have to talk to them for about 17 minutes.  Her idea, not theirs.

I'll admit Oliver is certainly cool, if my mom was a 13 year old boy and not what I'm sure everyone was referring to her as 'the bearded dragon lady' .. you see my inner struggle here, right?  Like all tragedies in life it is one that will never be resolved.  Fun fact I learned today.. Oliver also has a special lizard harness, you know, for walks.

Draft Fourteen and Fifteen

*if you haven't read this post, I am posting an unpublished draft from all random points in time every day until I run out*

Title: The Gift Spoiler
December 24, 2010



I am not sure there is one in every family, but in my family there is a gift spoiler.  Unless I manage to stop talking to my grandfather at the end of November, and never see him until Christmas Day, there's a huge likelihood he will tell me either what I am getting from them.. or anyone else dumb enough to tell him what they bought me, or both.  In some random conversation he'll be all .. oh man, you're going to like the new ___ you're getting! and I will pretend I did not hear him (for whose benefit I'm not sure.. mine?)  I think it's kind of like the idea of GET EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS except with specific reasons I'm guessing because I haven't believed in Santa Claus in 18 years.

Let's be clear that I never ask, or hint, or complain that I really want to know what I am getting for Christmas (or any occasion, really).  I am the kind of person who puts value on the actual day things are happening, and as a kid I protested anytime my parents begged to have me open a gift early.  It's not Christmas until I go to bed and wake up, haven't you paid attention to any of the books???? You're doing it wrong! And I am very much still that way.  It's almost as if the world will start falling apart if we don't stick to the days we agreed upon to celebrate things... what's next??? we may as well just throw the calendar out!

Title: Overheard in the house
October 17, 2010


I needed to get more supplies upstairs.  You didn't know that.  You think about that in your mind, please.           - Ethan, upon finding the baby-gate up

Even a candy cane can do this

I know some people are a little annoyed with all this talk of peanut allergies in schools, etc. and for the most part I completely agree.  I am sharing these photos of my son Ethan as a reminder for those that never 'see' the effects of a serious allergy that Halloween isn't the MOST dangerous time of year for peanut allergy kids. 


As a parent, I ask to please be diligent this holiday season of giving peanut free chocolate or candy at school parties or family gatherings.  This reaction was caused by something with merely a trace amount of peanut.

Some girls, some girls are only about that thing

Here's a confession for you that you're going to love, and by you I mean the Internet who loves weird things, because I have no idea who the hell is reading this.  It's super lame and therefore the absolute truth.

Back when we used to listen to actual cassette tapes for entertainment, my personal 'on repeat' favourites when I was around 10-13 were.. no joke.. Frank Sinatra classics and Bill Cosby's stand up titled "is a very funny fellow.. right" when my parents left me alone in the apartment for a few hours.  The best part was the Karate segment.





I totally wish I were joking but Bill Cosby was the best, and I totally didn't feel like I was by myself anymore.  I really hated being by myself for some reason.  And Frank Sinatra, well, I can't explain that one.......  any more than I can explain my fascination with learning all the words to Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop (that thing)"

Uh we can just pretend this post never happened.. right?

Baby, it's cold outside

Last night my middle boy, Gabriel, wanted to watch this video over and over. I thought it was appropriate for today since it is actually very cold outside. Have a great second day of December, everyone.

Draft Thirteen

*if you haven't read this post, I am posting an unpublished draft from all random points in time every day until I run out*


Title: Are you f*#!@ grumpy?
October 16, 2010





I spent until 1:30am last night Skype chatting with Andrea so if this video is somehow not as funny as I think it is, it's because I'm seriously tired.

Xmixtape

I was driving back from Spin class last night, too tired to even curse our instructor from hell, and got a cool idea for Christmas 'xmixtape' gift to send to Andrea.  I don't usually send gifts but not because I'm a bad friend (debatable?) but because I am never sure what will make it where and when.  So if you read that right it should say I'm too much of a control freak for real mail.  Then I start questioning whether the person would actually like it as much as I thought they would when I had the idea, and if by the time I make it to the post office I haven't concluded with certainty that their heart would burst from happiness the moment they open it... NO DICE.  And if nothing else, my pen dies halfway and the rest of your name will look like it was mailed by a psycho killer.

If that doesn't paint me in the best light imaginable then I don't know what will!  Let's just add this to the amazing list of things I am the BEST at being horrible at..

• mailing things
• wrapping anything
• having working pens
• parking a van
• folding dress shirts
• leaving my keys behind
• playing pool
• giving directions
• making a list of things I am good at

Just saying

Someone searched for this site this week by typing "wine gun" into Google.  I just wanted to say how much I wish that existed if only so I could say I own one and, in my old age, patrol my property in my housecoat with it at ungodly hours and make signs saying that I will shoot on sight.

Also, until I went crazy from being old, I'd shoot people at Christmas parties.  That would be my 'thing'.

Draft Twelve

*if you haven't read this post, I am posting an unpublished draft from all random points in time every day until I run out*

Title: No title
July 2, 2010

“It’s funny how one summer can change everything. It must be something about the heat and the smell of chlorine, fresh cut grass and honeysuckle, asphalt sizzling after late-day thunderstorms, the steam rising while everything drips around it. Something about long, lazy days and whirring air conditioners and bright plastic flip flops from the drugstore thwacking down the street. Something about fall being so close, another year, another Christmas, another beginning. So much in one summer, stirring up like the storms that crest at the end of each day, blowing out all the heat and dirt to leave everything gasping and cool. Everyone can reach back to one summer and lay a finger to it, finding that exact point when everything changed.” ~Sarah Dessen

Draft Eleven

*if you haven't read this post, I am posting an unpublished draft from all random points in time every day until I run out*




Title: No title.
June 22, 2010




If I could paint a picture for you for a minute, of a warm summer night, maybe when you were young.  The air was heavy and smelled like sweet grass.  It was just after dusk and although it's still a blue sky you can see the moon and you notice maybe some of the street lights coming on.  You're out on the front lawn or riding your bike.. something like that.  Maybe it's even quiet, except for the hum of an outdoor air conditioner, some birds chatting or perhaps that lone car driving past really slow with their club music turned up and you half listen to it trail off the farther it gets.  It's really easy, now that you're an adult, remembering nights like that - weather is great for those kinds of memories.  They can happen over and over again.  Then amongst all the other sounds you hear the distinct sound of someone from the next house jumping off a diving board in the backyard and splashing in their pool.  You can't see it so you think those motherfuckers have a pool back there??  Another jump.  Another big splash.  They do, they totally have a fucking pool.  Why haven't I ever heard them in their pool until now?  What exactly IS back there?

The hedges are really high between you so there's not much you can see but a huge pink rosebush growing over onto your side, which smells really sweet and looks pretty.  You pick a few of them as you lean into the fence of greenery hoping for a little peek.  The idea of how awesome a pool would be on a night like that hadn't even come to mind until you heard the mystery neighbors having fun... completely out of sight.  Pick a few roses and you head inside where it's cool, maybe making your screen door spring shut behind you, and you put them in a tall glass with water on the kitchen table.   They even look nice there.

Some days you're the neighbors with the pool, some days you're just listening to things and other stranger days you are the hedge right between the two.

Draft Ten

*if you haven't read this post, I am posting an unpublished draft from all random points in time every day until I run out*

Title: No title
May, 5 2010

It's been increasingly difficult, the last few years, to ignore certain things in my personal family life.  Don't get me wrong though I do try and ignore them as much as humanly possible because I LIKE being a functioning human being.  This isn't a scene from Gossip Girl though.. I'm not, even at 28, too impossibly cool to wonder at what will happen to my mother if she keeps on the way she is.

I was raised to believe that the word fair just doesn't mean anything.. along with the word sorry.  Nothing is fair and being right means never having to say you're sorry.  Mother's Day is coming up and like I said to Daisy Fuentes and her pilates routine.. I have some stuff I'm working through right now.  My Mom, for example, went missing for 4 days and decided to give me some story that wasn't even true about how she was in simple terms "renovating" a house and living in it, eating there, with a bunch of cockroaches and mice, yet not being paid or have any expectations of being paid any proper way.   She has a place to sleep and eat, for free, but clearly this place had a better offer she didn't want to tell me about.  In the real world we call that a crack house.

Driving conditions

We've had some extremely windy weather this past month and with all the fallen leaves it's made for some interesting driving conditions.  One night I was driving my mother home and I thought there might as well have been a tornado of 18,000 leaves in the street.  It made me think of this summer I was at the cottage and I was driving my two babies around some extremely dark dirt roads in order for them to fall asleep.  At the time I was pretty tired, and it was a last ditch effort, but when they suddenly fell asleep the thunderstorm that had been coming turned into a lightening storm.  Driving through a lightening storm in the middle of nowhere is actually pretty fucking cool.  What is even more awesome, if I could actually ever really describe it to you, is that both of those times a great song came on the radio.  I like radio because it's just random.. I don't know why but I like not being in control of whatever I'm listening to.  In any event, I enjoyed the shit out of both those drives because it was just something that happened, I can't make happen again, but felt awesome to be there.

Here's to all those great things that just happen to us.

sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemption

Draft Seven and Eight

*if you haven't read this post, I am posting an unpublished draft from all random points in time every day until I run out*

Title: No title
June 13, 2009

I can't believe I gave my grandmother's Holocaust ring to a complete stranger.





Title: No Title
June 15, 2009

After our neighbors had their 80th party of the summer.. we really wanted to spend the Sunday out and about.  Cycling down to Easterbrooks for a foot-long hot dog, fries and ice cream somehow turned into a 20k ride to Dundern Castle around Hamilton and back.  It was so pretty out, and sunny, and all the flowers were out and smelling great... then some cotton or something started "snowing" and blowing around.. it was seriously a wonderful day to be outside.  I'll admit though I had a great ride but my ass gave up the last 30 mins or so.. it has finally recovered a whole 4 days later.  When I got home I noticed I ended up not getting a little sun but literally came back with an actual tan.  Right now I'd be expecting to complain about my horrible burn as I didn't put on any sunscreen but I'll take it!  It's never happened before.

You know what else has never happened before?  Would you like to know what happens to a fish when someone dumps the whole can of food flakes in the water?  First of all the fish thinks it's great, until you actually forgot to clean it and went out for the day and came back when it was half dead.


It was swimming on it's side which said to me I'd be flushing it later. From the only other time I'd seen that happen to a fish at my grandparents, my grandfather announced it was going to die while my grandmother thought it was fine and she could rig some sort of weight/brace to make the fish swim right.  Sounds like something my mother would say.  Even I knew that was a dumb idea and I was maybe 10.. it didn't get into a car accident, it was just dying.  I cleaned the fish tank anyway and thought this might be a lesson to a helpful little boy to be with an adult when you feed fish next time, but goddamn if the fish didn't actually LIVE!  How, I have no idea, but this fish has escaped death at least 3 times by now.

And here's Candy Shop for no reason.

Candy Shop - Dan Finnerty and The Dan Band