Ain't nobody got time for that

For your amusement I will go over the last week of my life for you, because what is life if not inconceivably amusing to compare and contrast.

Sunday: 

I am in the ER.  My best friend, Brooke, calls me at the airport about to board a plane to Cuba.

I have a major infection causing half my face to look like any character in the movie "The Klumps"

Monday:

I'm told I have to spend the next 5 days with what they call "my new best friend" .. i.e. a $4000 IV pump I get to wear every second of the day.  Brooke, my actual best friend, is already rum drunk and hungover in Cuba.

I may have returned to work in the afternoon because I am really horrible at taking direction from bacteria.. telling me what I can't do!? Ain't nobody got time for that.

Tuesday - Friday:  

I hate everything.  Specifically "my new best friend".. I call her Judy.  Judy likes to watch me do a horrible job at trying to have a shower.  I go to a clinic every single evening to get the bag of medicine in Judy changed.   

Meanwhile, Brooke is just finishing up her sun-filled vacation!  She learned now to make an authentic Mojito and I learned that the most common adverse side effect of Clindamycin is diarrhea.  

I keep thinking in medival times I'd have so died by now.  So much for evolution, bitches!!