Overheard in the Car aka Happy New Year

parked in front of the beer store playing 'eye spy'

Ethan - I spy with my liiiiittle eye, something that is yellow!

Me - Hmm.. 

Ethan - I will give you three clues

1. it has bubbles
2. you and Daddy like it
3. Gabey doesn't like it

Me - is it beer?

Ethan - YES!!

Have a great night everyone!

Like fire and powder

As a former English major (I try not to remind people of that constantly, like buy them dictionaries and scoff at their texting and shit, but I did once have tonnes of time to read!) and a secret obsessive lover of many things Shakespeare, you can imagine that having a favourite passage is kinda nerdy to confess.. but for whatever reason this has always been mine.  I thought I would share it, going into a new year.. I am reminded you can read a passage so many times and each year we change, it gains a different meaning.

These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume: The sweetest honey is loathsome in his own deliciousnessAnd in the taste confounds the appetite: Therefore love moderately
Read more: William Shakespeare: Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene VI 

Oh and just to set things straight, as a rule, you should always listen to what Friar Lawrence says.. except when he tells you to pretend to kill yourself.

Live well, love moderately, 2012.

Merry Christmas

Differences from this year and last year:

• if you think your child won't notice that the Santa at the mall and the Santa in his special Christmas video are different, he will
• if you think your child won't stumble into your open closet and see his gift from Santa, which you then have to return and buy a different one, he will
• if you think your child won't burst into tears because he confesses he hasn't been good at all this year and is very sure he won't get anything for Christmas, he will
• if you think your child won't point out a minor bulge in his stocking early and discover there is stuff in it, he most definitely will

So the only difference really is I need to be exponentially smarter every year.  Fantastic.  Have a great Christmas everyone, I have 3 hours of wrapping to complete and a bunch of wine that will not drink itself.  Good night!

"Well, there are candles.. a lot of them.. and you get presents, so, it's like birthday party everyday!"
- Ethan, age 5, on his understanding of Hanukah 

The Vegas trip we are planning for our 30th, if it happens, is probably the most excited I'm going to be for anything in 2012.  I don't even know what I want us to do first, drug her on the roof of some building or gamble all our money away on one hand of high stakes poker and spend the rest of the trip sleeping in the desert.  What I do know is I am making her eat one recipe from the White Trash cookbook per meal every day we are there.  Starting with the Peanuts and Pepsi.... ending with something called Pone, or anything made with cooter.

And it's fixed!

My phone screen that is, not the baby.  However we did get sent home yesterday after two more nights there.. and he should be fine soon.  Just thought I'd update that anecdote since it's really annoying when people don't do that.

Kieran did get a few famous visitors while he was there though.  The mayor came by the hospital and gave him a book, and Wayne Gretsky's dad visited while we were out but gave him a bear.  I just wanted to add that this whole experience and seeing the families who have to stay there over the holidays, you could say we're having horrible luck.. or are very fortunate, depending on how you like to see it.  I like to think we're very fortunate.

One thing I did find funny, which I really needed, was I got Andrea's Christmas package while I was at the hospital.. what was inside?

Want to know a really great low-cal pick me up?  Peanuts in a bottle of Pepsi.  YOUR WELCOME!  More awesome recipe's inside, guys!

I also had a really funny moment when I was walking outside last night with Brooke, who just got home for the holidays yay!, and she had just asked how I was doing.  I said "you know, I'm doing much better now" and did I not step in the only foot sized hole in the ground and fall down that very second??  why yes I did!  and it really hurt!  Haha.. guess I will not be telling anyone how well I'm doing for a little while longer.  Back to cookin' vittles.....

What else, December?

For what reason I am typing this I don't even know, boredom is probably 80% of it, because my iPhone screen is completely shattered and working only due to a huge piece of tape. Has anyone has seen that video of the guy opening his iPhone 4s when it came out and he was so careful about it and then his friend comes out of nowhere and smashes it with a hammer and runs away? If you have you know for about 10 seconds you aren't sure if there is anything worse on earth to happen to this guy.

As the literal glass dust crunches under my fingers I only wish that was my biggest problem today but sadly I almost don't care. I do wonder if that guy caught up to his shitty friend and beat the crap out of him though. Today is like the phone hammer moment played on an annoying video loop. Especially since my boredom today is caused by spending the whole night at the hospital and some terrifying hours watching my baby boy in pain. This is the second time this month I am here with one of my kids that if I hadn't lost my sense of humor about 10 hours ago I'd say something like, with Gabriel being a little like curious George and a rabid dog mixed together.. I might as well invite social services over ahead of time.

I wish I had some control over these things and like anyone, or any parent, hate to be reminded that I am not in charge of any of it. I'm sure it would be a relief to some to give up a little control and I wish I knew what I was about Christmas that makes me want to set everything right. This year that seems far off but even so I have this idea that if I sit and watch the lights outside long enough, at peace enough, it somehow will.

The one story I will post about Christmas shopping

.. and two about buying alcohol, just for fun.

1. We have a little extra shopping to do around this time of year since Gabriel is a Christmas baby and it's his birthday on the 20th.  His actual 'Santa' gift hasn't even been purchased yet, we just had enough time to get the really BIG items while Ethan was gone for the day. And I actually do mean BIG as in size.  His birthday present is the biggest, fattest, stuffed dog you'll ever see.  It unsnaps at the bottom to become flat to the size of almost an actual toddler bed.  So after I held onto this thing during a 15 minute line-up.. accidentally knocking a bunch of shit over because the isles are so small.. and I get this motherfucker in an actual bag that I can thankfully drag a little on the ground because my hands are cramped from gripping it (I'm also pushing a stroller somehow, Sean had the other waiting at the exit) I suppose I walked in front of an old lady and she exclaimed that I had cut her off, my god, can you even believe the nerve I must have?  I totally did it on purpose and should just apologize for existing in the mall and wanting to buy something while anyone else was also shopping.
   
   I like to hum a little fa la la la la laaaa to myself whenever that happens.
   
   
2. Could it be due to the holidays that I have been carded at the liquor store the last four times I was by myself?  I really look like I was born before 1992, I know.  I shouldn't know anything about the 80s.  One of my talents is pegging people's ages, which is why I am serious when I say nobody should ask me how old they look hoping for a compliment.  That does happen frequently and nomatter what I take it as a challenge to be as accurate as possible.  Any person on Earth who thinks I am an underage teen enough to make me pull out my ID I consider to just be bad at their jobs: FACT.
   
   2(a) Once was just annoying and the lady thought I should be super happy she even asked me for ID because it's a huge honour.. right.  At least it wasn't like the time before when I had to get my ID from the car which was just stupid.
   
   2(b)Once I chalked it up to wearing my Chococat scarf and vowed to take it off next time.
   
3. This time it's personal......
   
   
   

We didn't love you that year

I don't know what it is about the love/hate relationship little kids have with Santa Claus.  I've often wondered at my part in all of this, if I am creating a whole elaborate Christmas charade where I flat out lie to my kids just to end up having the whole idea scare the shit out of them.   In their little minds, with all the mythical stories and 800 reminders that Santa is watching for good or bad behaviour, does meeting him just make them lose their minds?  I am not sure if any other parent has thought about it as much as I have but my ultimate decider on committing to 'Santa' with Ethan was that every other kid my kids meet will have stories about Santa, his reindeer, and the excitement of a magic present giver delivering things at night.  I'm 29 years old and I still don't want to mess with the memory I have of presents from Santa by giving my parents any credit for doing it all.  I'm sure Santa did it at least one year?  He was just super busy with not existing all the other years, I get it.

This is why I was 12 when my Dad actually had to say to me, you don't really believe in Santa anymore do you??  Listen.. I wasn't sure how dry-ice worked, it was at least possible!

So.. when Gabriel grows up and sees the picture with Santa from Christmas 2011 and asks where he was I will just tell him.. Sweetheart, we loved you enough to let Santa scare the shit out of you.

Final Draft

*if you haven't read this post, I am posting an unpublished draft from all random points in time every day until I run out... which is now*



Title: That's.... Information
July 28, 2011


Sometimes I have an inner conflict between poking fun at how unbelievably strange my mother is, and telling someone to shut their goddamn mouth for talking badly about her.  Ugh.. this must be what it feels like to be Irish.

You see, my mom has a bearded dragon.. that she found.. his name is Oliver.  She walks around with Oliver perched on her shoulder everywhere she goes.

When we took the kids to the fair, Oliver was there.  She was carrying around a bag of cotton candy and a bearded dragon, with my delightful 5 year old running beside her.  He adores her, btw.  It might have something to do with her petitioning 100x harder than he does for us to get a dog.. in front of him and everything.

Almost every person we saw at the fair (which was kind of a lot) would either stop her to say 1) is it real? 2) zomg! it's real 3) HOW COOL I LOVE THOSE THINGS, LADY STOP AND TALK TO ME.  And then she'd have to talk to them for about 17 minutes.  Her idea, not theirs.

I'll admit Oliver is certainly cool, if my mom was a 13 year old boy and not what I'm sure everyone was referring to her as 'the bearded dragon lady' .. you see my inner struggle here, right?  Like all tragedies in life it is one that will never be resolved.  Fun fact I learned today.. Oliver also has a special lizard harness, you know, for walks.

Draft Fourteen and Fifteen

*if you haven't read this post, I am posting an unpublished draft from all random points in time every day until I run out*

Title: The Gift Spoiler
December 24, 2010



I am not sure there is one in every family, but in my family there is a gift spoiler.  Unless I manage to stop talking to my grandfather at the end of November, and never see him until Christmas Day, there's a huge likelihood he will tell me either what I am getting from them.. or anyone else dumb enough to tell him what they bought me, or both.  In some random conversation he'll be all .. oh man, you're going to like the new ___ you're getting! and I will pretend I did not hear him (for whose benefit I'm not sure.. mine?)  I think it's kind of like the idea of GET EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS except with specific reasons I'm guessing because I haven't believed in Santa Claus in 18 years.

Let's be clear that I never ask, or hint, or complain that I really want to know what I am getting for Christmas (or any occasion, really).  I am the kind of person who puts value on the actual day things are happening, and as a kid I protested anytime my parents begged to have me open a gift early.  It's not Christmas until I go to bed and wake up, haven't you paid attention to any of the books???? You're doing it wrong! And I am very much still that way.  It's almost as if the world will start falling apart if we don't stick to the days we agreed upon to celebrate things... what's next??? we may as well just throw the calendar out!

Title: Overheard in the house
October 17, 2010


I needed to get more supplies upstairs.  You didn't know that.  You think about that in your mind, please.           - Ethan, upon finding the baby-gate up

Even a candy cane can do this

I know some people are a little annoyed with all this talk of peanut allergies in schools, etc. and for the most part I completely agree.  I am sharing these photos of my son Ethan as a reminder for those that never 'see' the effects of a serious allergy that Halloween isn't the MOST dangerous time of year for peanut allergy kids. 


As a parent, I ask to please be diligent this holiday season of giving peanut free chocolate or candy at school parties or family gatherings.  This reaction was caused by something with merely a trace amount of peanut.

Some girls, some girls are only about that thing

Here's a confession for you that you're going to love, and by you I mean the Internet who loves weird things, because I have no idea who the hell is reading this.  It's super lame and therefore the absolute truth.

Back when we used to listen to actual cassette tapes for entertainment, my personal 'on repeat' favourites when I was around 10-13 were.. no joke.. Frank Sinatra classics and Bill Cosby's stand up titled "is a very funny fellow.. right" when my parents left me alone in the apartment for a few hours.  The best part was the Karate segment.





I totally wish I were joking but Bill Cosby was the best, and I totally didn't feel like I was by myself anymore.  I really hated being by myself for some reason.  And Frank Sinatra, well, I can't explain that one.......  any more than I can explain my fascination with learning all the words to Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop (that thing)"

Uh we can just pretend this post never happened.. right?

Baby, it's cold outside

Last night my middle boy, Gabriel, wanted to watch this video over and over. I thought it was appropriate for today since it is actually very cold outside. Have a great second day of December, everyone.

Draft Thirteen

*if you haven't read this post, I am posting an unpublished draft from all random points in time every day until I run out*


Title: Are you f*#!@ grumpy?
October 16, 2010





I spent until 1:30am last night Skype chatting with Andrea so if this video is somehow not as funny as I think it is, it's because I'm seriously tired.