Chubbaaaaa

I really don't want to post cute pictures of my babies.

I really, really don't.  I rather do anything but.

And yet here we are...

LOOK AT THEM EMOTE!  K makes the best faces already.. he really does. It makes my heart happy. Plus his lil naked skin is like a sharpay so squishing him is addictive and wonderful.

Truthfully here, sometimes I love my life so much it's gotten to the point I'm not even sure I deserve it.. but who said good things happen to only people who deserve them? Suckaaaas. (I don't know why I said that, but I'll keep it)

James Face

In the past two days, two things have made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe. One was last night going out for some beers with Brooke, where she stopped herself mid-sentence referring to the beer as simply 'booze' when asking if our glasses were the same size. Quick answer, our 'booze cups' held the same amount of hooch! That right there is hard to visualize how funny it really was, but the second thing is easy.

Go check out an article called James Face, where a guy decided to mess with his facebook friend's pictures and repost them. You have to read the comments on each one from 'James'. I seriously almost died of loving it/wondering how I can do this to torment Andrea. Nothing in the world can be that bad as long as this exists.

Nick Name

I should update you that I have no injuries but I did have a great Mother's Day!  The kids and I spent the afternoon with my mother and grandmother having lunch outside.  Other than my grandmother telling me 100 times that Robeez shoes are actually evil and that I'm a bad person for making my kid wear them.. it was a pretty good time!  Those days are so rare they might as well be precious diamonds.

Anyhow that's not really the point of my post though.  While we were there my grandmother went to get some drawing paper for the kids and grabbed a 'journal' I had in school for him to use.  My room there is pretty much exactly how I left it in grade 8, so it was literally just sitting on the shelf.  I read a few pages and laughed in the same way I do when my 5 yr old does something totally weird and I wonder, what the hell is that about??  Like when he made a Lego character who lives on the fireplace named Dr. Mashawn.  Or when he told me (very seriously) to start calling him Nick.. and when I asked why he said "because that's my nick name" 

I'm not sure what the idea was behind asking students write personal answers to things that the teacher reads over, but my favourite was finding out that apparently, to a 13yr old the worst thing that could ever happen would be if the Blue Jays won every game but lost the world series.  Yep.  That's all.

Suck on that, every other horrible thing on earth!  I just wished my parents wouldn't be so 'sick' all the time but the World Series is SERIOUS SHIT guys.

Just saying!

24 hours for Moms

Mothers Day is coming so of course I'm waiting for the shipment of diamonds I'm going to be showered in to arrive. I bought a special hat for the occasion and everything just in case they are so large I'd be injured. Trust me, I would love to go into Emergency with that story though. In the meantime... some friends of mine have put up pictures of their Moms for the occasion, so I did as well. That's right I do actually have pictures with my mother, and I'm not even annoyed at her in them!

The second one my friend Andrea pointed out that I look terrified, which I'd like to downgrade to 'uneasy' .. probably because I wasn't sure if I was being fed to a giant mouse or not as it is 100x my size.








Oddly enough I see today Gabe Athouse also put up a picture of his mother.

I can't even explain how long it took me to stop laughing, if just to comment on the pic that I can't believe the baby is handcuffed to the walker. Hahaha... please will someone tell me what for????

I don't need love looking like diamonds

Ben covers Ke$ha's "sleazy" .. I admit I haven't heard the original but this is so fantastic I don't even care if it means that I like Ke$ha somehow. She probably sprinkles glitter in her underwear, so, that's a strong statement from me. You can download to donate to Tsunami relief in Japan. There are lots of other tracks, too, if you don't like this one!

the whole sky

I hope everyone was outside on Saturday, wherever you were on Earth I'll just assume it was nice weather for you too. Unless you're the Werewolf and you literally can't go outside because your under court ordered house arrest. Again.

Yes, THE SUN was out!! I was actually excited to go clean up all the rotting winter apples (it's actually not an apple tree at all, and even the birds won't eat them because they're so bitter) that covered the ground over the winter. THE SUN was shining on those rotten apples, folks!! While some weird tornados and sudden 'bird confusing' snow and rain have been upon us.. The Sun hasn't been around at all. Still, everyone knows it's one of those rare things in life where it can be a total bastard to you and you still giggle when it calls you.

What a flowering quince looks like in spring, before the shitty bitter apples.

Say it Slowly

I've vaguely referenced The Werewolf before but even if you hadn't picked up on it you should be aware that my undying love of long running jokes is well documented at least.  The Werewolf is pretty much the longest running joke I'll likely ever be involved in since my friend Andrea and I started it in grade school, however I think it's finally time I explain it since it has started going viral in the last year which I think is THE BEST year of The Werewolf's life.  Especially since I sound really crazy when I get asked about it... reason #897 why Andrea was never supposed to LEAVE THE PROVINCE.


If I were to write some kind of wiki definition I would say The Werewolf is a totally 'mysterious' fictional character that my friend Andrea and I occasionally will joke around about.. usually when in the presence of someone who has no idea what is going on.  The reaction to not knowing what we're talking about ranges from finding it hilarious, to confused, to outright angry at us for keeping something from them (ahem, that's only happened once, Andrea's sister..)  The essence of whatever we're saying about The Werewolf is very similar to Stephen Colbert's non-factual statements about Jon Kyl

The difference is that The Werewolf is not based on a real person and in fact that is not even his real name.. we'll get to that though.  For all intents and purposes he is that total asshole friend in the group you're always mad at but let hang out anyway.  The first one to get kicked out of any party for being too drunk and either taking a conversation too seriously or practicing 'Mortal Kombat' moves and breaking a lamp.  The guy who tries to make random conversation with you if you show up at the same time to buy weed from that guy you both know.  The d-bag ex-boyfriend you keep talking to for some reason even though you're pretty sure he once stole a picture from your apartment you had of your mom.. frame and everything.  He owes money to everyone and basically anything that goes wrong, no matter how unbelievable, is always traced back to him somehow.

Well last year The Werewolf got a facebook page.  And friends.  I can count on my hand how many times I've almost hurt myself laughing and one of those times was Andrea calling me in the middle of the night to share that she kept friend requesting her mother over and over from The Werewolf and she called Andrea freaking out "WHO THE HELL IS THIS??" Occasionally anyone who is in on it will 'suggest friends' for The Werewolf and it's always hilarious to see what happens.  I wish it got old but now he's gone viral I really doubt it.





Here's a glimpse of his page, and after years we finally reveal his real name.

Say the name slowly... repeat it a couple times. I'll give you a few minutes.

You can go ahead and add him if you think it's as funny as I do.  The Werewolf totally wants to be your friend!

All the fish

A moment of silence for all the homeless fish that made Fishbowl Friday possible.

That was a damn good night. And yes, I instagr.am everything. It's kind of a problem...

If anyone is looking for a cool app to go with it though, I just found Postagram! It prints and sends your pictures as a postcard to peeps you like for .99. The photo also punches out so they can keep it in some kind of awesome scrapbook/on the fridge. I haven't used it yet but when I actually go somewhere worth sending a postcard, watch out! I'm sure it will also become a problem.

I need a job at Facebook Ads

...what a rewarding career!

First I have no idea what I said in my messages to have them advertise social work; second.. the way advertising is supposed to work is that it makes me interested in hearing more.  Looking at this I'm thinking, wow, I didn't know they had social workers IN HELL.  Am I right or is it not as if she's going to immediately eat my heart right out of my body.  The other thing I'm thinking is how much of a red flag is it that "become a social worker" was its own trademarked phrase.  Is it one of those things where after I take the course I realize I'm not actually qualified to do anything but make paper mache solar systems.  Sure a 6th grader can do it too but I'll be able to do it REAL WELL.

I seriously could talk about Facebook ads all day they're so terrible but there has been an especially reoccurring ad telling me I should do things in my area before I die, and the picture is just something so stupid that I can't help but think.. really? I guess if I haven't put tiny rain boots on a pig then I haven't lived.  My idea of a good time must be way off!

If you're going to point out that the ads must have done their job because I noticed them let me just remind you - shut up.

Last year of asgoodasitgets, I guess it better be good?

"Life is like a train ride. Some people will sit next to you and talk to you. Some will just stand around.. oblivious to your existence. Some will have to leave the train while you're having a great conversation and who knows when you'll see them again. And if you're lucky, there'll be those who will sit and talk to you throughout the whole journey."

(via goodmorning&goodnight)

Let's panic

Today is my birthday.

That is one of the cards I made at Brooke's workshop.  I know they say you can't do wrong when doing crafts but that's just something you tell kids.. when you're 29 you can do it wrong.  Doing your best doesn't count as much as anyone ever lead you to believe.  I'm just here to crush your dreams/inform your adulthood along with me.  Wow 29 is just a shitty looking number isn't it? 

If anyone wants to know what to get me, either of these totally adult books would be great.  Or a home made card if you happen to have one.

This title is depressing as shit

I can't deny it's the phrase of the week!  For one reason or another circumstances keep conspiring have Debbie Downer following me around whether I like it or not and every time I have a conversation she pops up and then the music goes WOMP WOMP.  As if she knew I told that story the other day, my grandmother decided she'd let me know she's donating her body to science when she dies.  I have to say I was kind of surprised to hear that; not that I fantasize about her funeral but I think everyone assumes the person will be there.  I actually think it's kind of great she wants to do that.. and yes, depressing as shit that she is making my grandfathers arrangements for him by himself.  Why?  Because in real life he doesn't even get dressed without her laying out clothes for him.  It's not the fact he'll be buried alone but that he literally cannot live without her that is so fucking depressing... he can't even make his own funeral arrangements.  The bright side is it leaves him tonnes of extra time to focus on more important things.. like smoking!

By the way, if you're having a week like me then please don't watch Blue Valentine.  Just wait on it.  Nothing personal to the movie; it and my best friend that shops at my Fortinos, Ryan Gosling, were just great.  It's just that at the end of it my heart kind of felt like sitting in a bathtub full of red wine and making some toast.  It only takes about an hour to make my heart feel like there is nothing to live for, apparently.

Being my birthday on Thursday I am looking forward to a fun week, starting with a card party Monday night with Brooke and Kim!  You get to make your own pro looking cards, so already I know I'm going to make a "condolences" card haha.. just kidding! I realize it's all healthy and shiz but nobody is allowed to mention any funeral arrangements until FRIDAY at the earliest.

Snow Day

I've only seen more birds than this on TV / in my nightmares...

This summed up the weird spring snowstorm today, from my end. Snow doesn't usually change my day but for some reason, instead of any school being cancelled around here they just decided to cancel all the busses so I drove through it twice. Nothing terrible although I was pretty sure I was going to witness an accident in front of me at one point. Someone thought that backing up through an intersection was an awesome idea! Hey guy, snowing is not at all like a zombie outbreak.. you still have to obey the regular rules of the road. Why I would have to even say this living in Canada I have no idea.

Sadly, when you have a snow storm at the start of spring you not only confuse people in their cars, but the birds etc which have come out last week. Every bird in the area decided to hang out in my neighbours tree. ALL DAY. I pulled into the driveway for the second time to this tiny little bird huddling for shelter near my garage and it was so sad I wanted to go inside and build some kind of bird hotel for them to ride it out. I was then reminded of when we first moved into our house and like, day 2 a bird flew right into the window. Of course I went out there to see if I could help it since it was injured pretty bad but it was so freaked out by me it kept hopping away and died. That's the shitty thing about animals, the fuckers never let you help them! I'm sure if I built them a shelter and tried to get them to go in it they'd swarm me and carry me off somewhere. That's like the best case scenario, too.

Pee Break

My parents have owned and operated a lodging home business since I was very young. If you don't know what that is it doesn't matter enough to explain but - I've known the clients who have come/gone and some that still live there for what seems like forever. Last week my Dad calls me and lets me know that one of the clients had passed away (in a hospital, not on the spot or anything) but these people have very few relatives or friends so this person actually ended up leaving 90% of his belongings to my mother, who also made all his final arrangements. If you know these guys who live there it is actually not weird at all that this would be the case, nor is the fact that he didn't have anyone to claim his remains so they are in a box in the house on display which is, I guess, a nice memorial for the people he knew.

And depressing as shit.

After this happened another one of the clients said she was also going to leave her belongings to my parents, aside from a few things to her family members, and sat down and wrote out her Will on a piece of lined paper that he said only filled up half the page. It's all very sweet isn't it though?

And depressing as shit.

My Dad then lamented with me that he hopes his life will be a little more full and shared his fears that very few people will miss him. He said he wanted hundreds of people to inform if he ever died. I reminded him that 1) he always has me to miss him, I'm as good as 100 people missing anyone.. I'm that good at it. 2) my birthday is coming and he just fast-tracked a freakout quite nicely. I'll confuse you here by saying that I love my birthday, birthdays, celebrating them etc. It's not actually about the birthday. I am not afraid no one will miss me, or of dying, nor that I haven't accomplished anything significant if that happened. Seriously, I'm not just saying that. I actually feel quite the opposite, so, I guess that's a lucky thing. The actual problem I have is a little phobia best described by John Mayer's Stop this Train, if I can get a little Mary Catherine Gallagher on you; which is there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop time even if you don't need to. In my mind it's as if I'm on a tread mill going very slow and you think, what is so bad about that? hardly any work at all.. but it's the fact that you can never get off. Ever. Not even to pee. You can't even reason with anyone to get a pee break, or go faster so you can stop for one at some point ahead.. there are no pee breaks in life, period.

Another horrible story for you which is 100% true and 110% depressing as shit, and zero to do with my birthday. When I was very young I was having a sleepover at my grandparents house and I remember when it was time for bed my grandma told me to go upstairs and get ready and she'd be right up. I (a little like Ethan, actually) enthusiastically insisted she come up right now with me!.. come on let's race upstairs! She started going up the stairs and I was behind her and I asked why she was going so slow and she said it was because she was too old. When we got upstairs I asked her if she was going to die and she said yes, she would die some day but I shouldn't worry about it because it wouldn't be for a while. To me that said, you might as well worry about it now because I have no concept of time so "a while" could be next week as far as I know. After she read the story and I went to bed, I got up and ran downstairs bawling my eyes out asking her why she was going to die and leave me all alone. Her response was to make me feel better by telling me it's ok because everything dies.. including me. Muuuuch better.

I only wish I freaked out about aging one day a year because honestly, it's every fucking day, my birthday is just the best one.

Fishbowl

3 reasons I haven't been updating this blog.


1. It's either this or taking a shower.. honestly, and I like showers.
2. I'm currently unable to finish a thought that doesn't resolve itself in 30 seconds
3. see number 2


The internet doesn't benefit from my smelling nice but trust me there are lots of other people who do.  I suppose I could use the time I watch Hoarders to update instead but ..then I would miss the crazy.  You know I love crazy.  Truthfully the few times I have tried to write about one thing or another that I've been up to, it always ended up like this: "Had a fun night out with a couple friends and although they did not have fishbowls of alcohol it was still pretty awes.. *one year old snaps my laptop shut like a clam shell*  Fin.

The waiter did at least draw a representation of a fishbowl on my dessert though!

My birthday is coming up soon so I'll be sure to make some time at least to write about HOW HORRIBLE IT IS.  My last birthday of my 20s, how did this happen? I swear it's like this shit happens every year.

I always keep my promises

Especially if it's a promise that I won't finish something... consider it accomplished.  I'm obviously talking about that 30 days of photos which I totally made to 23.  I may finish it at some point but it made me think of all my favourite pics I never publish.

Like this one of my Dad and Ethan last Easter

Or screen caps I take to put in my non existant scrap book of favourite things.. like this picture I commented on of Andrea's trip to California

Or some random image I saved only because it reminds me of a bookmark I had in grade school..

It kind of defeats the purpose if I shared all my favourite things so I hope you enjoyed those.  It's kind of nice to have a kind of e-memory box, if only to look through on a particularly rainy day.  Or, yanno, if you ever go all Charlie Sheen! at some point and lose your fucking mind.  You could have an e-collection of things you used to care about other than WINNING.  Off topic.. I wonder if he's asked himself, logically, if he thinks his tiger blood is good for his Adonis DNA?  Just saying, I'd love to know.

What?!

I know I have breastfeeding on the brain right now but what in gods name is this??  And who the hell are the mothers answering an ad asking for breast milk?  Does that even sound the least bit legit to you?

Oh, what's this.. someone will pay me for my breast milk.. there is literally no way this could end in me in a bathtub full of ice.  

In other news, do you know how stressful it is to have a person totally reliant on you for nutrition?  I mean honestly, the ends to which mothers have to make something out of nothing is pretty nuts if you think about it.  I feel like shaking my fist at the sky asking "now what???" if I wasn't afraid a huge list of stuff I have to make from my body parts would fall down from it.

Sweet Disposition

Photographer: Rodney Smith

Weeks ago I last talked about confessing why I am a total hypocrite after tormenting my son Ethan with even 5 mins of watching Labyrinth. I like to wait until at least 15 days after I have a baby to tell people what a failure of a parent I am. If I could somehow tie this terrible decision into being a result of my parents letting me watch Poltergeist (and in fact having a cousin named Carolanne, to creep it up some more) that would be great. I know that I must have been at least 5 when I saw Labyrinth but I remembered LOVING it so when I was trying to think of awesome alternatives to a) watching any more Star Wars or b) especially Clone Wars cartoons.. I saw it on the NetFlix and thought "MAN this is going to blow his mind!"


I was right.. but it was because he was soul-shatteringly upset he cried his eyes out. I literally sat there consoling him as if I just showed him video of me rounding up a bunch of puppies and executing them. You might ask why, and the reason he gave me was that he was really, really concerned about the baby. Telling him the baby was OK wasn't enough since the Goblin King also scared the shit out of him, and therefore the baby was not OK. This happened again when he saw the end of Revenge of the Sith and Padmae gives birth to the babies and dies. He actually tried to keep himself from crying which I've never seen a kid do, and his exact quote I believe was "I can't take it anymore.. my heart feels like its in a million pieces." He's a sensitive one, that one... and a little dramatic.

(What my boy looks like when you give him a lego star wars cake) 

I should note here that he regularly creates Lego monsters that can rip your head and body off so maybe it's just about babies for right now. More research is needed. Hope everyone is having a great Family Day!

Vitamin Water for the Homeless

Comedy Central's Jokes.com
Tags: Jokes,Joke of the Day,Funny Jokes

Baby

Hi, I'm here!

Seeing as I just turned my blog into a giant bowl of cuteness, I'll save all the best parts of our experience from the last few days for another time.  Just know that it involves a teddy bear on a toilet sticker on my medication though.  So disturbing.