Say it Slowly

I've vaguely referenced The Werewolf before but even if you hadn't picked up on it you should be aware that my undying love of long running jokes is well documented at least.  The Werewolf is pretty much the longest running joke I'll likely ever be involved in since my friend Andrea and I started it in grade school, however I think it's finally time I explain it since it has started going viral in the last year which I think is THE BEST year of The Werewolf's life.  Especially since I sound really crazy when I get asked about it... reason #897 why Andrea was never supposed to LEAVE THE PROVINCE.


If I were to write some kind of wiki definition I would say The Werewolf is a totally 'mysterious' fictional character that my friend Andrea and I occasionally will joke around about.. usually when in the presence of someone who has no idea what is going on.  The reaction to not knowing what we're talking about ranges from finding it hilarious, to confused, to outright angry at us for keeping something from them (ahem, that's only happened once, Andrea's sister..)  The essence of whatever we're saying about The Werewolf is very similar to Stephen Colbert's non-factual statements about Jon Kyl

The difference is that The Werewolf is not based on a real person and in fact that is not even his real name.. we'll get to that though.  For all intents and purposes he is that total asshole friend in the group you're always mad at but let hang out anyway.  The first one to get kicked out of any party for being too drunk and either taking a conversation too seriously or practicing 'Mortal Kombat' moves and breaking a lamp.  The guy who tries to make random conversation with you if you show up at the same time to buy weed from that guy you both know.  The d-bag ex-boyfriend you keep talking to for some reason even though you're pretty sure he once stole a picture from your apartment you had of your mom.. frame and everything.  He owes money to everyone and basically anything that goes wrong, no matter how unbelievable, is always traced back to him somehow.

Well last year The Werewolf got a facebook page.  And friends.  I can count on my hand how many times I've almost hurt myself laughing and one of those times was Andrea calling me in the middle of the night to share that she kept friend requesting her mother over and over from The Werewolf and she called Andrea freaking out "WHO THE HELL IS THIS??" Occasionally anyone who is in on it will 'suggest friends' for The Werewolf and it's always hilarious to see what happens.  I wish it got old but now he's gone viral I really doubt it.





Here's a glimpse of his page, and after years we finally reveal his real name.

Say the name slowly... repeat it a couple times. I'll give you a few minutes.

You can go ahead and add him if you think it's as funny as I do.  The Werewolf totally wants to be your friend!

All the fish

A moment of silence for all the homeless fish that made Fishbowl Friday possible.

That was a damn good night. And yes, I instagr.am everything. It's kind of a problem...

If anyone is looking for a cool app to go with it though, I just found Postagram! It prints and sends your pictures as a postcard to peeps you like for .99. The photo also punches out so they can keep it in some kind of awesome scrapbook/on the fridge. I haven't used it yet but when I actually go somewhere worth sending a postcard, watch out! I'm sure it will also become a problem.

I need a job at Facebook Ads

...what a rewarding career!

First I have no idea what I said in my messages to have them advertise social work; second.. the way advertising is supposed to work is that it makes me interested in hearing more.  Looking at this I'm thinking, wow, I didn't know they had social workers IN HELL.  Am I right or is it not as if she's going to immediately eat my heart right out of my body.  The other thing I'm thinking is how much of a red flag is it that "become a social worker" was its own trademarked phrase.  Is it one of those things where after I take the course I realize I'm not actually qualified to do anything but make paper mache solar systems.  Sure a 6th grader can do it too but I'll be able to do it REAL WELL.

I seriously could talk about Facebook ads all day they're so terrible but there has been an especially reoccurring ad telling me I should do things in my area before I die, and the picture is just something so stupid that I can't help but think.. really? I guess if I haven't put tiny rain boots on a pig then I haven't lived.  My idea of a good time must be way off!

If you're going to point out that the ads must have done their job because I noticed them let me just remind you - shut up.

Last year of asgoodasitgets, I guess it better be good?

"Life is like a train ride. Some people will sit next to you and talk to you. Some will just stand around.. oblivious to your existence. Some will have to leave the train while you're having a great conversation and who knows when you'll see them again. And if you're lucky, there'll be those who will sit and talk to you throughout the whole journey."

(via goodmorning&goodnight)

Let's panic

Today is my birthday.

That is one of the cards I made at Brooke's workshop.  I know they say you can't do wrong when doing crafts but that's just something you tell kids.. when you're 29 you can do it wrong.  Doing your best doesn't count as much as anyone ever lead you to believe.  I'm just here to crush your dreams/inform your adulthood along with me.  Wow 29 is just a shitty looking number isn't it? 

If anyone wants to know what to get me, either of these totally adult books would be great.  Or a home made card if you happen to have one.

This title is depressing as shit

I can't deny it's the phrase of the week!  For one reason or another circumstances keep conspiring have Debbie Downer following me around whether I like it or not and every time I have a conversation she pops up and then the music goes WOMP WOMP.  As if she knew I told that story the other day, my grandmother decided she'd let me know she's donating her body to science when she dies.  I have to say I was kind of surprised to hear that; not that I fantasize about her funeral but I think everyone assumes the person will be there.  I actually think it's kind of great she wants to do that.. and yes, depressing as shit that she is making my grandfathers arrangements for him by himself.  Why?  Because in real life he doesn't even get dressed without her laying out clothes for him.  It's not the fact he'll be buried alone but that he literally cannot live without her that is so fucking depressing... he can't even make his own funeral arrangements.  The bright side is it leaves him tonnes of extra time to focus on more important things.. like smoking!

By the way, if you're having a week like me then please don't watch Blue Valentine.  Just wait on it.  Nothing personal to the movie; it and my best friend that shops at my Fortinos, Ryan Gosling, were just great.  It's just that at the end of it my heart kind of felt like sitting in a bathtub full of red wine and making some toast.  It only takes about an hour to make my heart feel like there is nothing to live for, apparently.

Being my birthday on Thursday I am looking forward to a fun week, starting with a card party Monday night with Brooke and Kim!  You get to make your own pro looking cards, so already I know I'm going to make a "condolences" card haha.. just kidding! I realize it's all healthy and shiz but nobody is allowed to mention any funeral arrangements until FRIDAY at the earliest.

Snow Day

I've only seen more birds than this on TV / in my nightmares...

This summed up the weird spring snowstorm today, from my end. Snow doesn't usually change my day but for some reason, instead of any school being cancelled around here they just decided to cancel all the busses so I drove through it twice. Nothing terrible although I was pretty sure I was going to witness an accident in front of me at one point. Someone thought that backing up through an intersection was an awesome idea! Hey guy, snowing is not at all like a zombie outbreak.. you still have to obey the regular rules of the road. Why I would have to even say this living in Canada I have no idea.

Sadly, when you have a snow storm at the start of spring you not only confuse people in their cars, but the birds etc which have come out last week. Every bird in the area decided to hang out in my neighbours tree. ALL DAY. I pulled into the driveway for the second time to this tiny little bird huddling for shelter near my garage and it was so sad I wanted to go inside and build some kind of bird hotel for them to ride it out. I was then reminded of when we first moved into our house and like, day 2 a bird flew right into the window. Of course I went out there to see if I could help it since it was injured pretty bad but it was so freaked out by me it kept hopping away and died. That's the shitty thing about animals, the fuckers never let you help them! I'm sure if I built them a shelter and tried to get them to go in it they'd swarm me and carry me off somewhere. That's like the best case scenario, too.

Pee Break

My parents have owned and operated a lodging home business since I was very young. If you don't know what that is it doesn't matter enough to explain but - I've known the clients who have come/gone and some that still live there for what seems like forever. Last week my Dad calls me and lets me know that one of the clients had passed away (in a hospital, not on the spot or anything) but these people have very few relatives or friends so this person actually ended up leaving 90% of his belongings to my mother, who also made all his final arrangements. If you know these guys who live there it is actually not weird at all that this would be the case, nor is the fact that he didn't have anyone to claim his remains so they are in a box in the house on display which is, I guess, a nice memorial for the people he knew.

And depressing as shit.

After this happened another one of the clients said she was also going to leave her belongings to my parents, aside from a few things to her family members, and sat down and wrote out her Will on a piece of lined paper that he said only filled up half the page. It's all very sweet isn't it though?

And depressing as shit.

My Dad then lamented with me that he hopes his life will be a little more full and shared his fears that very few people will miss him. He said he wanted hundreds of people to inform if he ever died. I reminded him that 1) he always has me to miss him, I'm as good as 100 people missing anyone.. I'm that good at it. 2) my birthday is coming and he just fast-tracked a freakout quite nicely. I'll confuse you here by saying that I love my birthday, birthdays, celebrating them etc. It's not actually about the birthday. I am not afraid no one will miss me, or of dying, nor that I haven't accomplished anything significant if that happened. Seriously, I'm not just saying that. I actually feel quite the opposite, so, I guess that's a lucky thing. The actual problem I have is a little phobia best described by John Mayer's Stop this Train, if I can get a little Mary Catherine Gallagher on you; which is there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop time even if you don't need to. In my mind it's as if I'm on a tread mill going very slow and you think, what is so bad about that? hardly any work at all.. but it's the fact that you can never get off. Ever. Not even to pee. You can't even reason with anyone to get a pee break, or go faster so you can stop for one at some point ahead.. there are no pee breaks in life, period.

Another horrible story for you which is 100% true and 110% depressing as shit, and zero to do with my birthday. When I was very young I was having a sleepover at my grandparents house and I remember when it was time for bed my grandma told me to go upstairs and get ready and she'd be right up. I (a little like Ethan, actually) enthusiastically insisted she come up right now with me!.. come on let's race upstairs! She started going up the stairs and I was behind her and I asked why she was going so slow and she said it was because she was too old. When we got upstairs I asked her if she was going to die and she said yes, she would die some day but I shouldn't worry about it because it wouldn't be for a while. To me that said, you might as well worry about it now because I have no concept of time so "a while" could be next week as far as I know. After she read the story and I went to bed, I got up and ran downstairs bawling my eyes out asking her why she was going to die and leave me all alone. Her response was to make me feel better by telling me it's ok because everything dies.. including me. Muuuuch better.

I only wish I freaked out about aging one day a year because honestly, it's every fucking day, my birthday is just the best one.

Fishbowl

3 reasons I haven't been updating this blog.


1. It's either this or taking a shower.. honestly, and I like showers.
2. I'm currently unable to finish a thought that doesn't resolve itself in 30 seconds
3. see number 2


The internet doesn't benefit from my smelling nice but trust me there are lots of other people who do.  I suppose I could use the time I watch Hoarders to update instead but ..then I would miss the crazy.  You know I love crazy.  Truthfully the few times I have tried to write about one thing or another that I've been up to, it always ended up like this: "Had a fun night out with a couple friends and although they did not have fishbowls of alcohol it was still pretty awes.. *one year old snaps my laptop shut like a clam shell*  Fin.

The waiter did at least draw a representation of a fishbowl on my dessert though!

My birthday is coming up soon so I'll be sure to make some time at least to write about HOW HORRIBLE IT IS.  My last birthday of my 20s, how did this happen? I swear it's like this shit happens every year.

I always keep my promises

Especially if it's a promise that I won't finish something... consider it accomplished.  I'm obviously talking about that 30 days of photos which I totally made to 23.  I may finish it at some point but it made me think of all my favourite pics I never publish.

Like this one of my Dad and Ethan last Easter

Or screen caps I take to put in my non existant scrap book of favourite things.. like this picture I commented on of Andrea's trip to California

Or some random image I saved only because it reminds me of a bookmark I had in grade school..

It kind of defeats the purpose if I shared all my favourite things so I hope you enjoyed those.  It's kind of nice to have a kind of e-memory box, if only to look through on a particularly rainy day.  Or, yanno, if you ever go all Charlie Sheen! at some point and lose your fucking mind.  You could have an e-collection of things you used to care about other than WINNING.  Off topic.. I wonder if he's asked himself, logically, if he thinks his tiger blood is good for his Adonis DNA?  Just saying, I'd love to know.

What?!

I know I have breastfeeding on the brain right now but what in gods name is this??  And who the hell are the mothers answering an ad asking for breast milk?  Does that even sound the least bit legit to you?

Oh, what's this.. someone will pay me for my breast milk.. there is literally no way this could end in me in a bathtub full of ice.  

In other news, do you know how stressful it is to have a person totally reliant on you for nutrition?  I mean honestly, the ends to which mothers have to make something out of nothing is pretty nuts if you think about it.  I feel like shaking my fist at the sky asking "now what???" if I wasn't afraid a huge list of stuff I have to make from my body parts would fall down from it.

Sweet Disposition

Photographer: Rodney Smith

Weeks ago I last talked about confessing why I am a total hypocrite after tormenting my son Ethan with even 5 mins of watching Labyrinth. I like to wait until at least 15 days after I have a baby to tell people what a failure of a parent I am. If I could somehow tie this terrible decision into being a result of my parents letting me watch Poltergeist (and in fact having a cousin named Carolanne, to creep it up some more) that would be great. I know that I must have been at least 5 when I saw Labyrinth but I remembered LOVING it so when I was trying to think of awesome alternatives to a) watching any more Star Wars or b) especially Clone Wars cartoons.. I saw it on the NetFlix and thought "MAN this is going to blow his mind!"


I was right.. but it was because he was soul-shatteringly upset he cried his eyes out. I literally sat there consoling him as if I just showed him video of me rounding up a bunch of puppies and executing them. You might ask why, and the reason he gave me was that he was really, really concerned about the baby. Telling him the baby was OK wasn't enough since the Goblin King also scared the shit out of him, and therefore the baby was not OK. This happened again when he saw the end of Revenge of the Sith and Padmae gives birth to the babies and dies. He actually tried to keep himself from crying which I've never seen a kid do, and his exact quote I believe was "I can't take it anymore.. my heart feels like its in a million pieces." He's a sensitive one, that one... and a little dramatic.

(What my boy looks like when you give him a lego star wars cake) 

I should note here that he regularly creates Lego monsters that can rip your head and body off so maybe it's just about babies for right now. More research is needed. Hope everyone is having a great Family Day!

Vitamin Water for the Homeless

Comedy Central's Jokes.com
Tags: Jokes,Joke of the Day,Funny Jokes

Baby

Hi, I'm here!

Seeing as I just turned my blog into a giant bowl of cuteness, I'll save all the best parts of our experience from the last few days for another time.  Just know that it involves a teddy bear on a toilet sticker on my medication though.  So disturbing.

Peel your eyes off

The times I love having not just a 5yr old, but MY 5 yr old the most, are directly related to being exceptionally funny. He tries all the time to be funny, and it usually involves the word poop, pee or the punchline that someone is going to the bathroom and then asks if that was funny. I say no. He's not old enough to know that he's incredibly funny though in moments when he's just being himself. We had an unexpected PA day today, unexpected in the way that I realized IN the car at the bus stop.. 5 mins after it was supposed to arrive.. it was probably a PA day. That was not cool as it was seriously cold this morning but while waiting in vain for the schoolbus to come Ethan suggested we pool our resources to find it faster, and misusing a common phrase in basically the best way I've ever heard. You see, he was going to keep his ears open to see if he could hear it coming.. and my job was that I should peel my eyes off. I could not even stop laughing to correct him but hey.. it's a weird saying anyway!

So what do you do on an exceptionally cold Monday PA day? Watch quite a lot of Star Wars and then go sledding for a bit. I'll tell you two stories associated with both of these. One, I am the dumbest child ever.. and the other, I am the worst parent in history and potentially hypocritical after all the bitching I've done about the inappropriate stuff my parents let me watch. I mean I did, after all, turn out JUST FINE.

The first time my parents decided to take me out tobogganing for real, aka down a hill by myself, I was in 1st grade. They decided that I also needed a 3 person aluminum sled that went really fast and that neither of them were going to go on with me more than once. So there I was, top of the hill ready to go, and at the bottom of the hill were my parents and a large brick building.. I think the whole hill area was a water treatment plant. Either my parents didn't realize if they aren't on the sled with me, it will go faster and farther.. or they thought I had a lot more common sense than I did. Not only did I actually sled right into a brick wall but I did so ignoring my parents yelling at me to jump off.. because I rather take my chances than jump off of something moving.  I had never practised that so it was the equivalent of jumping out of a moving car to me. There is no moral to the story other than don't take your kids tobogganing the same week as picture day.  I lost a front tooth earlier that month so I looked REALLY GOOD.

Damn.. maybe after that story I think I'll tell the other one another time. Instead here's a bunch of pictures of that not happening when we went sledding today.

Sunnier

A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night.

- Steve Martin

Ironically, when he smiles with his eyes they look like little moons :)

FIVE

One of the things I was very sure of about Ethan turning the big 5 is that he needed a special cake. I don't know why exactly.. perhaps because I so much remember turning 5 myself. I didn't have a fancy cake but there was a cute Carebears topper holding a balloon that said 5 on it... I'm sure with how my grandmother hoards things it's actually still around somewhere. I wanted to start a tradition of giving the kids special birthday cakes every 5 years, hoping they'd really look forward to it and remember them as special years. The result ended up being so awesome, I think it ended up feeling a little selfish since we were about as excited as he was. His face was priceless!


Enter, Lego Star Wars cake (with Tye Dye insides!)

R2 was my fave!

Ugh, the coolness was just too much. I take no credit whatsoever for the creativity when I ordered it.. my only contribution was (agreeing with all their awesome ideas and) it MUST have a Darth Vader on it, which Ethan noted and then nom nom'ed him; and I think a lot of other characters.

I don't know how much the cake had to do with it but he was so happy that day and had so much fun at his playground party that the fact he kept thanking us in the car was almost too much.

the Shitty bar

I need hobbies to occupy the next 4 weeks or so that I can do while sitting down, so I thought I'd start my own 30 Days of Photos album. I'm not going to post it everyday since that's ..overkill.. but it's on my flickr and if you want to play too, have at it, add me or leave a link!

I'm on day 2 and already I know I likely will be interrupted before 30 is up, but that's just adds to the fun doesn't it?? So mysterious! PS who the hell does 365 on flickr and considers themselves 'normal' .. normal is giving up, man! You are not that interesting all year!

30 days also seems to be the magic number for keeping my attention. 31? not as attractive for some reason. 60, you must be joking. I get physically angry at anyone who counts down to something longer than 60 by the way, so I don't even want to hear about it if you did that for some reason. I can't handle the subsequent thoughts of you as a child in some sort of long car ride or whatever.

My other relaxing hobby so far is tweeting kijiji ads I find that are so, what's the word? Hamilton. Oh, and funny!

• Balls for girls, everyone. Who needs balls for girls?! I have two. http://bit.ly/gee5MC #kijijihamilton

• Mint condition marvel action figures! http://bit.ly/fjGzgW see my 'other ads' aka the finally getting laid collection #ilovekijijihamilton

• anyone want to open a really shitty bar with me? they've got labatts, molson and mill time left! http://bit.ly/g31bsg #kijijihamilton

Lucky Number 3

I've had a handfull of moments in my life where I knew, even if there was or wasn't a reason for it, that I was doing something I'd never be doing again. Whether that fact was wonderful or awful I've always appreciated those moments for their clarity since life just so rarely gives us any of that. I don't know how many times I've heard that if only someone knew it was their last ______ they'd have done something differently. I'm not talking about things you just flat out didn't like so you don't plan on doing it again. Those are pretty easy. I don't like butter tarts for example.. it's not news to me I will never be eating one again and I don't have any feelings about that. Maybe a WTF face since butter tarts are terrible. What it could be is something like the day you graduate or go to your last day at work or whatever; it deserves a little recognition, even if it's a small thing.

For me right now.. I am completely finished with pregnancy/child-making as a life experience. I'm fortunate I even had the opportunity since some people do not, or desperately cannot, and although it has left me irreversibly changed (literally.. one of my children took some of my guts with them when they left. I'm also anemic and my thyroid stopped working..) I couldn't be more lucky to have done something universally agreed as almost unbelievable which is also unfortunately impossible to describe to another person who hasn't also experienced it first hand. Everyone but you is pretty much a witness. The results were kinda nice, too :) I suppose that all that before I turn 30 is somewhat of an accomplishment as a human being.. I did a ton of stuff, y'all! I used to joke with one of my pregnancy penpals to tell her husband.. you just cannot win a contest with a mom of shit they did that day. Growing a person plus anything else always comes out on top. But on the reverse side, I'm done before I'm even 30. I need to appreciate that fact, mainly as a person who, in life, never likes to say never; so the little time I have left will be even more sweet. When I can have champagne again we will definitely be doing a little celebrating.

Bring on the table-flipping madness that is a house full of boys and one bathroom!

French fries are the devil.