Things that don't make sense

1.  I love this shirt.  Love it.  I wish I could wear it for my birthday.

Heartbreaker Top, in Peacock by Of Two Minds

2.  but it's $324.


Those two things just don't make any sense to me.  I like a shirt that costs what?  Does it know that it's not even a sweater!?  Or a leather bag?  I feel like I should at some point understand women's clothing.  Is this going to be on the test?

Rescue from the Coffee Lagoon

I have never read mommyblogs, satirically written or otherwise, but I have to say if I DID read them then I'd definitely put Bedtimes are for Suckers on my list. I liked most of the posts but this one was pretty funny for me personally since our table is a freaking mess most of the time (what isn't.. actually). In fact, since I have Monday's for just me and my little Gabey, the table presently has a shrine to Ethan's trains.. just as he left them this morning to go to school. God help me if he were ever in an accident and I went insane and decided we were going to preserve his things exactly as they were until he returned home. We'd literally have to leave the house as it would be functionally unliveable.

The funnier part of the post was my being unaware that I really dropped the ball on the "LOL look what a mess my kid made" photo! And oh, I do have one, of sorts. I'll show you in a minute. First, it is the simple fact that my blog is not about being a mommy; that's way too specific.. my blog would only dream of being so focused on something! It's so high on goofballs there is no way to ever know what it's about.. and believe me, I've been asked!

That being said I assume someone familiar with my overall personality would believe I'd totally find all of that stuff precious and super funny.. but that just isn't the case folks. I'm extremely dull when it comes to fun via disastrous messes. I do not know why since I would love to have a parent like that.. but no, I don't seem to ever reach for my camera. If I am making a motion like I am looking for something at all it's probably patience. Anyone see my extra set of patience? I was sure I had it in the kitchen last. Like the time Ethan was 2 and he found the Peneten diaper cream, and painted himself and our dark hardwood floors with it. I sat there after cleaning him, with a knife and other various small tools for 25 mins trying to get that white waterproof goop out of the tiny cracks it filled in between the floor boards. I did not think of getting my camera once; how odd. But yes I do have one "LOL look what a mess my kid made" photo.. it exists! Ethan decided he was going to make it snow indoors.

In the process he antique'd himself with baby powder and the best part is this was all about 30 mins before my grandparents were coming over. I didn't intend him to be wearing a UFC shirt by the way, but it was pretty appropriate for this picture. It looks like he knocked down a wall to get that water bottle.


I admit I did find one thing he used to do pretty funny.. constantly rescuing Diego from the coffee lagoon.

Oooooo nooooo!

Then I remember the time I found him on my suede chair, somehow finding and then biting a pen in half... blue ink everywhere... I did not know whether to be afraid or somewhat impressed with that one. If only everything could be the coffee lagoon, I could start a website called stuffinmycoffee.com

Frightening Search of the Week

It's been an extremely long time since I've highlighted a search of the week but I had to seriously pause at someone finding my site by googling "having babies in the shower"

Since this website has nothing to do with that I feel it's my duty as a human being to answer the query ..non-judgementally *ahem* the shower is not the place to be having babies. I don't care if you heard it was the new cool way of having babies from trendy moms on the internet; if you'd like to have a baby in the shower I'll advise you there's no need to be a hero.. go to a hospital. They have showers there too if you're insistant upon having a baby there. Or in case you were looking for stories of ladies accidentally having babies in the shower.. don't worry, it'd be easy to step out and call yourself a cab if that were to happen.

If that search had nothing to do with that and was about an actual 'baby shower' somehow, you need to take a course on how to Google for the future. You aren't doing it right.

Chapter 5: Sonofa..

On the cover of Time Magazine...?

If my life was in actual, real chapters, because I thought I was famous enough for more than 10 people to read about my whole life and decided I needed to get super rich... I'd call this next one "Fucking Bitch Who Stole My Leather Jacket". Just kidding.. I have no idea what I'd call it probably other than you're not going to believe this bullshit. I was reminded of said chapter of bullshit, consisting of about a year or so of my life, by some innocuous thing like buying a certain kind of pasta side dish at the store. Yeah, really, pasta.

It's not as if I ever actually forgot about it but I may as well have being as disconnected with it as I am. When I was 13, a situation conspired where my family basically sheltered a 15 year old runaway girl until she turned 16 and therefore somehow not wanted by the police. She ended up staying longer than she was welcome. We'll call her Tiffany for the purposes of my story. My name is still Ann-Marie by the way.. in case you thought this was some kind of skit I was doing.

Anyhow, the specifics don't matter unless you'd just like me to give you a good hour of reading about why I should have never escaped therapy, but while I essentially lived with this person she had decided we were going to be best friends. 24/7. That wouldn't have been terrible if she wasn't a complete freak who, unlike a real best friend or sister, tried to make things like showering with me to save time or dating a family member of mine seem like "totally normal" shit .. which nobody else seemed to be present enough to notice WAS NOT NORMAL SHIT. You know, like that episode of Twilight Zone where everyone is a pig face and is horrified to look at a normal face. Well Tiffany, the giant gap toothed 'pig face' who did end up stealing my leather jacket when she left, liked to make this one Butter and Herb side dish from a package for dinner basically every day and I accidentally made it for dinner a couple nights ago. I couldn't eat very much. I am 28 and I am not ready to eat that pasta. I may never be ready to eat that pasta. It's shitty pasta anyway so I don't even want to buy it, it was on sale, so she can go fuck herself.

Did I just scare you all? Anyone? Bueller? It was only a summary chapter, everyone, if I actually wrote the whole thing.. I would have surely swore about 800 more times, at nobody. Ahh, I know the perfect way to end this post the way it deserves. Cunt.. balls..

Happy Hallowe'en!

I have had fun getting to the point where my now 4 year old "decides" what he'd like to be for Halloween, based on his likes.  I won't ruin the surprise but this year it has something to do with the 3 weekends full of all day SpikeTV reruns of a certain trilogy of movies.  It might rhyme with Bar Floors.  His Dad could not have been happier.

It made me think of my favourite costume decision when I was young: "business man" which was, in fact, just me dressing up as my Dad.  I so wish I had the picture from that year.. I think I was 10 or 11.  I literally wore one of his suit jackets (he's not the biggest guy in the world) and a red tie, gelled my hair all the way back and carried a briefcase with a HUGE cell phone in it.  I think I was going for his "Prudencial Insurance" days.  Oh and my mom went crazy with the eyeliner and penciled in black eyebrows, a mustache AND beard.  Picture that going to school.  I am constantly thankful that growing up, my own opinion was the only one that mattered to me.  It's a gift I can only appreciate now, knowing how the world is, and one that I would love to be able to give to all my kids if I could. Dressing up as my Dad was the coolest :)

I hope everyone has a safe, fun and costume-terrific evening!

Playing with Cars

Heard of the RIP Walkman playlist?  Sad, I guess, if you like to give human qualities to things like electronics.. and who doesn't?? in which case IT'S DEAD AND NEVER COMING BACK.  Or you could say on the bright side I had fun making a 90s playlist on 8 tracks.  

I have always loved how some music you love is a little like time travel.  

Sunshine

I thought the world could use a little more sunshine today, so I'm sharing mine :)

8 Tracks

Sweet site for listening to uninterrupted mixes of 8 mysterious songs. I got lost in it for a while.. it's kinda like the radio since you can't pick what comes up.  Also, if you feel like it you make your own mix but can't listen to it.. or more than 30 seconds of the song (to make sure it's the right one, I guess) mysterious right? You also can't skip ahead songs more than 2 times an hour.  I made one and labeled it the radio in your car.. which are a bunch of songs on the radio when I drive around, and I thought it was awesome. You'll be surprised at least once, I promise.

Enjoy 8 Tracks!

Seasonal: better things

You want me to kill what?  I don't see it.

Had a great anniversary day on Sunday, a rare whole day alone :) Beginning a new week is so unbelievably crappy though. The bright spot, as I choose to see it, is the last handful of months have conspired to make my hubbs and I realize getting time to spend together hanging out, not completely tired, isn't just a nice to have. Writing it out like that it almost confuses me as to why that happens to people at all, but anytime I want to be doing something fun, I always wish it was with him. Maybe we'll get lucky soon.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
— Marilyn Monroe

Are you f*#!@ grumpy?

I spent until 1:30am last night Skype chatting with Andrea so if this video is somehow not as funny as I think it is, it's because I'm seriously tired.  We're off the the apple orchard again today though so

Grandmothers, doing whats best for you if it kills you since 1982

This cookie jar from thrift store hell is living in my kitchen.

I received it from my grandmother who knows I don't own ANY things like this, I also don't have an abundance of cookies that need to be contained so therefore I've come to the conclusion she must be fucking with me at this point.  Not much else explains this cookie jar.

I have spent many years of my life crushing her spirit with sentences like "listen, this fur coat is great and everything.. it's just not my style."  Meaning we aren't in prohibition times.  Then, she cries.  However, I only expect this crazy crap during the holidays.  And it's because of my sporadically crushing her spirit that she only comes over with maybe 2 or 3 things.  If you don't have any idea of what that is like, you lucky bastards, then just picture waking up Christmas morning to an insane woman spraying fake snow on the outside of your windows and you'd be fairly close.  Not for me of course but for the children.  Christmas needs to take a dump in my house and forget to flush, like an asshole, or else everyone will be sad.  Unless ultra decorations your thing though.. then that is just wonderful.  I wouldn't come over and start taking shit down because I thought it was nuts so if you find my house 'depressing' because it's not flammable you're also more than welcome to just leave.  Also it's probably you that is depressed.

Obviously that is what I'd LIKE to say but you know it usually comes out as "Ok, that's.. a thing.  Uhhh ya I guess I could use it.  Sure."  Hey you try being the reason your grandmother cries at Christmas.  JUST TRY IT.  You don't have what it takes!!

If anyone would like to revisit the unfunny short 8 part webcomic series last year, you'll see why my frustration is as unending as it is historically amusing!  So here's the whole thing for old times. 

• puke chicken salad #1 
• lesbien #2 
• facts #3 
• watermelon #4 
• on a boat, good times #5&6 
• calling 911 #7 
• doubting thomas #8

Kicking off Turkey Weekend

Well, I had a really fun Friday.. I am incredibly tired but since when is typing considered "work" right?  I have a large tumbler full of Coke, everyone!  I can blog my Friday.

Man, I sound like such a white lady.  Who says blog my Friday?

So yes, this morning I took the kids to an apple picking orchard and hay filled, corn maze play-land called Froot To Go.  We played, mazed, hayed, and frooted with friends.  I really wanted to pick up one of their apple pies from the bakery for Thanksgiving dinner this weekend.. but then I remembered I don't like apple pie.  Buying one would only encourage people to keep offering me some even though I've had 28 years to try and like some, but don't.  Yes, even with vanilla ice cream.  Butter tarts too.  No I don't understand why they're related.  You see the dilemma.

Actually I was carting 3 kids to the car, two were asleep and one covered in hay.. so that's my real reason for not buying what was likely a fantastic pie for everyone but me.

My grandfather left on Wednesday for his annual week-long hunting trip up North.. so far North it takes two days to get there.  Sometimes even I forget how big Canada is when we just call everything upwards "north"..  and I live here.  Anyhow the orchard would likely be the end of the fun but I thought since it was such fabulous day out that visiting my grandmother was a good idea.  We had lunch, and it wasn't bad at all.. she was pretty happy to see us.  After that I was honestly tired BUT I headed over to my cousins house instead of pack it in for the day, again.  We got to hang out which is a serious work-week treat for me and Botson Cream donuts were involved.  You kind of have to know all the people involved in my day to understand how fun it was but you don't really need to understand to agree that being tired from fun is the best kind.  Totally awesome way to start the long weekend which involves pie I do like (pumpkin) and massive amounts of turkey.. and people to eat it with of course :)

Happy Turkey weekend to my fellow Canadians!

Crazy Thursday

via: Happiness is..

"Remembrance of things past is not necessarily the remembrance of things as they were."
— Marcel Proust

Oh, ... you're hungry

I'd love to get a Roomba if I weren't completely sure the kids would try and ride it. And I mean 100% sure. Ethan would also try and feed it until it eventually drowned in juice. I'll admit I'm slightly curious if Gabriel held on really tight, if he could Swiffer the floor behind it. Anyhow, it's too bad because the house certainly needs one.. or two.. ouu they could battle! I cleaned everything top to bottom on Sunday and have had to tidy it again 3 more times since, although not as much.

It's Wednesday.

That's normal but when I clean for 3 hours I expect dirt to know it's banished and should stay out of my sight for at least 24 hours. That's just polite right there. This subject came up when I was at my friend Kim's house and she mentioned she cleaned before we came but even the smallest crumbs under the couch would gross one of her friends out. I assured her that she wasn't talking to one of those people because I am pretty sure once we had children we didn't lose all functionality in the real world and were re-purposed as very pretty crumb catchers. This isn't 1950 so I still think it's funny that there only seem to be two kinds of people in this world.. those who care deeply how clean their house is at all times, and those who clean their house so other people won't talk about them. The first category populates maybe a generous 5% of the earth which basically means everyone else is doing so just in case their friends are "Show House" people and they don't want them to be uncomfortable coming over to a regular house that has DISHES in the sink or anything. Because more than one person lives there. I didn't mention a third category of people who don't care at all and hopes everyone knows it but they so rarely get guests I didn't think they counted. The film crew of Hoarders aren't guests, either... nice try though.

The city is pretty gritty for an itty bitty pretty girl

I feel like I should get into watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia because I've heard some really good things about it. If anyone out there is a fan and wants to push me over the edge, feel free, I'm having some commitment issues. You see, I am SO loyal I end up watching anything if I'm halfway invested and it's even remotely entertaining.

See: Grey's, Private Practice, Gossip Girl, Vampire Diaries etc.


My loyalty is non discriminate, and kind of a 15 year old girl. It's also not very modest. I love giving my qualities a persona by the way... it's just one of those types of Fridays? I get silly, go on about TV and quote a new episode of The Simpsons that hey, wasn't bad this time, honestly! randomly in my post title. I'll confess it likely has something to do with Andrea calling me up last night and deciding she will ONLY watch an episode of Jersey Shore if I'm there, and therefore we should get on Skype and watch one like we used to watch The Simpsons over the phone in grade school. Literally we'd just get home, get on the phone when it came on and only talk to eachother on commercial breaks. I hope it's plain to see why I'm so devastated that she's gone and NEVER coming back, and that now Brooke is also leaving.. I make so much less sense without them, and trust me, I can't afford it! lol. Imagine if every one of the people in life that make me make more sense lived in my neighbourhood, we could have annual chili and cupcakes cookoffs, hold ice sculpture team competitions with themes like "beer" or "brands of detergent" and we'd clear the street to watch B movies projected on someones house. If that sounds like a good time to you then, well, thank you for existing even if we don't know eachother.



I hope everyone has a great weekend, as always :)

Bay Stuff

An ad I just saw online:

It might sound extremely uppity of me but I could never buy something from someone who is of legal drinking age but can't spell cage. Or confuses whole for hole. Not that I was tempted in any way when I saw this ad, I actually wanted to know what bay stuff was, but if I was I'm just saying who'd ever be sure they were mentally aware of what a transaction was. A great reason to also never give this person a live animal. For all you know she'd eat him. I sincerely hope all the "bay stuff" she has to trade with are things she found because the mere idea she actually has a child makes me want to cry my freaking eyes out.

Yes, everyone, I'm aware that I've just confessed that in my eyes the mass murder of the English language and it being very questionable if a person could parent a turkey are basically equal. If I can argue though that it is because they usually go hand in hand. Like cosmetic surgery and the smell of desperation. It's the Joni to it's Chachi, the Balki to it's Cousin Larry, the Cadge to it's Cocketil.

Seriously, cadge... my heart hurts.

Colour Theory

via: barbara oliveria

I was washing the floor in the kitchen the other day, and seeing as we have a door to the backyard from it it naturally gets dirty pretty fast and I also like to make sure whatever potato bug etc that have died there are given a proper burial in my garbage. For some reason I was thinking about how when things die they quickly lose their colour, as I'm sweeping up this white little dusty bug. It made me think about how although Spring is associated with living, budding, blossoming and green, the theory that things are most alive when they are their most colourful made a good case for the start of (my favourite season) of Autumn. I've always thought it was the brief time when was the world seemed most awake.

All you have to do is look at the changing leaves, and how unbelievably red and orange and yellow they will get.. something I'm looking forward to. You can't argue that Summer or Spring is quite the same, although very colourful. Not even if it were under a sparkly blanket of fresh snow on a Winter night, or amongst chipper birds singing on a rosey fragrant Summer morning; it's colours are not the same. I like to think of it as the short moment in that year when things are at their best and most vibrant; where that little bite of chilly air that makes you put your hands in your jacket pockets is the whole world telling you to pay attention because things are happening. And it wants you to remember to be happening, too. And love being and seeing and doing all of it.

With a cute sweater, of course. The whole world definitely wants you to remember to wear one. I mean, Winners has a whole section called Chunky Knits... you can't ignore this.

Since my likes include ragging on Andrea all the time

Do you have any idea how hard it is for me not to comment on a picture of my friend Andrea holding famous crabs?  DO YOU?

 

I really don't think you do.

It was not hers but her boyfriend's album of their recent trip to California though, and I already commented 3 times.  If not for that fact, that thing would be RIDDLED with crab jokes. 

Only 3 more months until I can tell her she shouldn't show people her crabs at the table.  Or that I've never seen someone with crabs that large look so happy.  Ugh, I can't even decide!

Saturday Morning Mashup

Have a great weekend everyone.. word to your mother.

GO BLUE HAIR!

I was recently shopping for a birthday present for my cousins son's party this weekend. He is going to be 5 so you would think I'd have a lock on what to get him exactly but every kid has different interests, so I was pretty indecisive. If he liked trains I'd know exactly what to do, but he's REALLY into cars and Nintendo. I know he likes stuff from the movie Cars so I got him something with Cars on it he can take to school, and a sweater for next year (pretty sure he doesn't read my site so the secret is safe, for now) but I was torn between a mechanic car kit and the most hilarious game I have ever seen.

RACING GRANNIES!

"The Racing Grannies Racers Track Racing Granny Game contains everything you need to hold your own octogenarian speed competitions. You get a 26" oval racetrack with over 70" of track, two speed controllers, and two racing Grandmothers in motorized wheelchairs -- one red and one blue. (you'll need 4 AA batteries, too) There are also guardrails for the curves so the Grannies won't go tumbling to their death when you take the turn to quickly."

You have no idea how hard it was not to buy this!! The fact that they look blind makes it all that much better BUT I ultimately went with the mechanic set. I wasn't entirely sure a 5 year old boy would get how cool it really was. I think I'll be going back for it though because when I told my cousins about it they flipped out and suddenly I felt dumb since I hadn't thought to get it for our girls only weekend.. as a note, there may be drinking involved in the rules.

Man I love toys.