Girl Club Confession

Buh?

Ten reasons why my membership to the girl club could be taken away.

1. I never buy shoes except to occasionally replace the four staples I have
2. Those are: one running shoe, one comfy sandal, one casual ballet flat, one small black heel for "fancy" shit. I own others.. somewhere..
3. Fact: my son owns more shoes than me, and I bought them
4. My purse selection is fair but I fill them with crayons and diapers
5. I never wear more than 2 pieces of jewelry at any time
6. The amount of time I need to dry and do my hair is usually superseded by my need to catch up on True Blood and drink a coffee
7. I own one lipstick and I don't wear it - just gloss
8. I so rarely even buy make-up, but what I've collected so far is all I seem to need
9. Unfortunately I keep all of that make-up in a plastic bag my bed sheets came in
10. OR when I'm on the go, just a literal plastic bag that I think a pair of travel socks came in that doesn't even close

I'd keep going but you get the idea... and the list is making me suddenly really wonder if I even ever had a membership to begin with. It could just be a library card. I also so rarely even use my wallet I wouldn't even know!

SO.. was I ever glad when my super girly friend Kim saw my sad little sheet bag when we were doing slutty make-overs and gifted me my very own little clinique make-up bag, full of all new cute stuff too! Now I may pass for a real girl, huzzah!

Cut Copy Monday

I occasionally like to search my email and get rid of anything useless I've signed up for that's attached to it. So this is a photo dump of some extremely random pictures that I added to a website about travelling.  If I was trying to make some point about irrelevant spots in the world.. mission accomplished.

I really, really could have found better ones.  

These are probably the least interesting travel pictures in existence so I decided the only way they'd be more interesting is if you had to guess where they were taken.  There are no extra clues.  I might include an answer key next time!

Vampire baby

New and improved, extra bitey

Sure, new teeth look harmless enough but they have turned a usually joyful and sweet baby into a super crusty bum. I let him chomp my finger for a few minutes thinking it would make him happy and realized, holy crap.. where did my nail polish go? That's how furious he is at the arrival of these things. All babies are, hence they are the worst things to ever happen other than maybe the rest of growing up, owning their attitude, and telling their mothers they want a new mom because they would be nice. You see, this mom is apparently a little bit nice but mostly mean.

No.... that didn't happen to me at all. Nope.

So, while I'm in the rare mood to share, I'll tell you that the other night I questioned how long this teeth issue was going to go on because I was toying with the answer being forever, and suddenly I saw the cause was two more teeth poking out at me. Tiny terrible vampire teeth.. actually. In this face!

Unlike so many frustrations in life I actually do find myself with a direct comparison to this situation. And it makes me realize it's really not so bad. His name is Ethan and these are a couple of pictures of him when he was at the same teething stage Gabriel is now. It's possible it may not happen again, so enjoy the cute.

Chewing off my nail polish is a theme, I guess

Oh no, I'm fake-sad!

Absurdly adorable, right? Let ye not be fooled my friends.. nature required him to be that cute for how frustrating his unexplained crabbiness was. It was always one thing after like a hundred others; a real life mystery! Like playing Clue while a baby screams at you to hurry up already. When the issue finally got to teething I have to tell you I was so sleep deprived we were always a few nights away from my sleepwalking to Blockbuster, putting him in the return slot and heading back to bed. Those days did a number on my brain chemicals, mmkay? And they were already a little sketchy. In fact, my sleepy mind still wanders there occasionally when he cries in the middle of the night and I rush in asking "what's the matter???" and the cause is one of the following.

1. there are shadows in the room
2. a dream he had about tomatoes and my therefore promising to abolish tomatoes from the earth
3. an immediate need for water
4. how he has to go to the bathroom but doesn't want me to turn on any of the lights OR actually get out of bed
or 5. he's awoken at 7am and nobody is here to play with him yet

Problem solve THAT!


So this post is entirely for anyone currently living with a little frustration who could use a reminder whatever it is will pass by soon. Or if you're in my exact situation then it will fly by and we can get on to the really fun stuff like sending them toddling off to school in September.. like a person and everything. Oh no.. that's also not happening to me, and I'm totally not having a weird crisis about it clearly. FYI they will never be finished school until they are adults with jobs and bills, who hopefully don't live with you. Think about that, and give your little vampire baby an extra finger or three to chew on :)

Anyone thinking they're really glad they have no idea what any of that is like, I hope you're lucky enough that one day you do!

Someone is always crushing somebody's dreams

Dad: you know that thing that parents do where they want you to be safe but also crush your dreams?
Me: being one of my parents, saying this to me is really funny!
Dad: I didn't crush your dreams did I?!!!
Me: ONLY ALL THE TIME!!!!!! Haha I'm just kidding

I was giggling about this forever. That and we ended the convo on Dad's being less than supportive with him yelling JUST TELL ME GOOD LUCK SO I CAN HANG UP! GOOD LUCK DAD I HOPE IT WORKS OUT! Seriously, giggling forever.

The werewolf made me write this post, or he won't tell me where he buried the gold cats

via: No-Town

It's going to sound really "late to the party" but I miss my friend Andrea, who lives in Calgary.  Of course, she moved out there like 3 years ago as I've referenced countless times.  What don't I reference countless times?  I'm a referencer... I like to recount.  Like how much fun it is when she and I pretend we hate each other, and when anyone listening in is really sure she slept with my boyfriend - ZOMG let me text someone about this!  Or the the dinner I took her out to before her surprise going away party, having fun posing in front of houses in Oakville with our keys out pretending we lived there.

Andrea just locking up... Oakville is a pretty dangerous hood you know. She has like 50 solid gold cat statues in there.. they just hold up all her big screen tv's.

Why so you have to be so Materialistic Ann!!!! I worked my ass off breaking into peoples houses (pretending to live there) for a whole winter to afford those gold cats...the big screen tv? That was a gift....

I think there just comes a time when you realize, although things are always changing and nothing is permanent, that those "differences" in your life are what you should now consider normal instead of changes, and if you've tried your best then it is likely as good as it's going to get.  Like really looking forward to hanging out with one of your best friends for a day, whenever anyone can afford it and afford the time away.  The new normal is not exactly what I expected, and part of being an adult is my constantly confirming this fact.  Then again, if everything always worked out the way I thought it was going to then I suspect my whole life would be foreign to me, and possibly really disappointing.   





"No good friends or bad friends; only people you want, need to be with. People who build their houses in your heart"

— Stephen King

Waking up

Oh coffee.. your coffee is so coffee.

I had a great day yesterday and am tired, as usual.  We spent the entire day with friends and at our old Oakville neighborhood splash park.  So tempted for a Starbucks and Pizza Depot, but my friend had already made us a wonderful lunch.  Then I remembered that when I lived there the monthly coffee budget was over a hundred dollars, and happily drank my diet coke.

Anyone else can't stand religious advertising? 
OMG guys it looks just like the popular drink, Coke, but Jesus-y.. I'm totally interested in hearing more!!

Speaking of tired though, I had found an interesting link I intended to pass along to Brooke about alternate sleep schedules.  Apparently we do not need 8 hours of sleep a day.. but more like, 3 or 4!  I feel like I'm already on that kind of alternate sleep cycle, technically.  Let me tell you though I'm doing it all wrong!

Have a happy wake-up Wednesday everyone :)

Random Question

via: abandoned houses in the desert

I am not sure I hope anyone has ever noticed I occasionally change my "random question" in the profile that fancy-ass Blogger makes me have.  Keeping up on that would be seriously worrisome but on the other hand, I think they're funny so I hope someone enjoyed them.  I enjoy the challenge of occasionally musing.. could I possibly be given a more insane question/be funnier than I was last time?  IMPOSSIBLE I'd think.. and then of course I'd need to find out, thereby erasing my previous question like Russian roulette, and the next is always at the very least equally insane and funny.  So if you haven't had the pleasure of knowing Blogger "Random Question" then I'll introduce you.  I believe the last question was something like..

Q: if you were a cannibal what would you wear?
A: a shirt that says "I'm really, really sorry"

 The current question is

When you spilled the milk, did it look like the moon?

If the moon looked like my mother smacking me in the face because we couldn't afford more milk... then yes it really looked like the moon.


That one is extra funny, to me, because the story behind it is true.  The only time I ever spilled milk that is what happened, as I completely froze for some reason and the full bag of milk spilled out on the dining room table.  A dining room table that WAS covered with plastic though, so the anger was totally just about the milk.  Sure, my memory is scary ridiculous in both randomness and how far it reaches.. I know this.. but I think that just means I'll have a much longer life than most people, right?  If just that I can remember more of it lol.  Just think of your mind like a house and all the rooms you fill up with certain things.  I fill up mine with grains of sand, it seems.

Now I'm tempted to roll the dice for a new question just for bringing this up.  Great.

Slow and Steady

I suppose I could start off with a story from our week on vacation.  One that sticks out after posting all the pictures up today is the day we went on our traditional visit to "the island".  First of all.. the island is not really an island.  In fact Lake Bernard is the largest freshwater lake without an island so you need to know this fact; we basically decided as kids that this tiny speck of beach that was owned by no one was our island.  This is likely because its right next to a deep dark cold creek that we also make a tradition of annually freaking ourselves out paddling down it for some reason.  I didn't do that particular trip this year since last year, if anyone remembers, my kayak glided backward into some brush that had a gigantic spider in it right around my face, and I nearly tipped myself in fear.  The creek is dead to me for 2010.

I swear these are all good times though.. even the horrible sleep I got and the bruise on my back from the actual mattress coils, I look upon fondly.  It's just impossible not to.

So my cousins took all the kayaks to the island and I was in the paddle boat with my son Ethan, his cousins Noah and brother Jonah.  All the kids together weighed about 170 pounds and none of them were helping paddle so as you can imagine we were going absolutely nowhere.  I told Jonah, who is 10, that if he didn't help then he needed to get out.  The entire lake for the first 150 feet is like 2 feet deep or less so no I'm not a monster, he was already swimming in it and could have easily gone back in.  He agreed to help a little as we headed toward the island, slightly faster, pretending to be pirates.  We finally get there where 4 of my cousins were waiting for us, plus Noah and Jonah's sister and Maria's dog.  It was a FULL island.  Our tradition is not just that we GO to the island but that we take something to eat/drink with us and nomatter what must finish all of it.  It's an arbitrary rule that I'm sure came from a fear of our parents finding half of something in the fridge and yelling at us.  If it was missing entirely there'd at least be some likelihood of forgetting to pack it, having eaten it.. or the best.. questioning whether you are having a senior moment and not wanting to draw attention to it. 

One year it was an entire block of cheddar cheese.. that was a bad one.  This year it was a 2L bottle of red wine.  We had a ton of fun hanging out, taking pics, finishing the wine, watching the kids play.. and then when we were ready to head back I realized "ah shit I'm the paddle boat."  I should have prefaced this with another story about a fateful canoe ride where me, Antonella and my then 2 year old Ethan accidentally tipped into the water and he was horrified to go into a boat ever since.  And this was the first time he asked to go in one, instead of his usual screaming like he was on fire at the mention of the idea.  THIS paddle boat, THIS year.  Needless to say I was determined not to end up in the water, possibly giving him a lifelong trauma of anything that floats.

Before we cast off I make Jonah aware of the fact he needs to help again or else we won't make it until dinner.  For some reason, even though he's TEN YEARS OLD, he has exactly as much energy as me.. a 28 year old sleeping on a bad mattress, up a few times at night with a baby, and who just drank 2 glasses of red wine.  I blame Nintendo DS.  So, not even midway, Jonah gives up citing "wow this really IS hard" and of course on the way back my side of the boat, which is obviously heavier, is against the waves.  Half the thing fills with water and I declare the only sane thing for us to do is getting out and pushing the two kids back to shore.  I'm not wearing a bathing suit either.  All is going well, Ethan is still having fun, until Jonah decides we'd get there MUCH faster if we started running!  He takes off with the boat and I keep up for as long as I can (you try drinking wine and running through a lake) and I yell at him to stop.  Like I said though, the Nintendo DS caught up to him and he ran out of steam anyways as I kept going along.  I thought it was a great time to repeat a piece of age old wisdom..  being the old person in this situation; slow and steady wins the race, buddy!

And that's the story of that.

Flickr: Cottage 2010 Photos

Wanted: Lake sunset!

I normally can't complain about the view from my kitchen windows whatsoever except for today.  And it has nothing to do with the fact our lawn mower "passed on" a week before we left, and it looks like a literal jungle out there. 

Everything went by so quickly this year for some reason.. or maybe our 'fun deficit' is just larger then it used to be.. so my cousins are already planning a 4-day weekend away for us mid-September.  I'll go into all the stuff we did our vaca week but needless to say, I have my coffee in hand but my view is missing this. 

Greatest Adventure

Packing for our week at the cottage has been fun this week.  Fun, as in, I had no idea how many pieces of clothing we owned.  You get a great idea when you have to wash and fold all of it.. it's really quite spectacular.  As was the amount of cleaning we had to do on our new travel mobile.  I could go into all the stuff we did to it over a 4 day period but the important part is it practically looks brand new now so there's a sense of accomplishment in that.. and avoiding a staph infection.  HUGE accomplishments, both.

We're leaving a day early this year and staying at a resort in town (with a bar! and nice beds! and a hot tub!) so I'm pretty excited for both the pre-vacation and an easier drive on the long weekend.  I keep having flashbacks to the year we drove my VW convertible, Bad Apple, up there and got stuck in traffic around Barrie for the music festival.. leaving me with the WORST seat-belt shoulder burn in history.  I think I got sun poisoning.  Is that a real thing?  I also enjoyed the challenge of staying out of the sun entirely when you are living on the beach.

I leave you for the week with some random but really sweet photos I stumbled on that I just love love love of a couple who got their engagement picture idea from the movie UP! probably the cutest movie ever.  Have a great week :)

[wildflowers photography]

Know the season you're in

I really want to preface what I'm going to write about by saying I'm not in on the whole motivational movement, if you know what I mean.  While I am a fan of the positivity and self-improvement, I don't get daily emails about how great I am and life being a sparkling rainbow of high fives.  Flat out, I think highly motivated people are swell but there is a huge cavernous difference between motivational 'teachings' that seem very disingenuous and those who are, for lack of a better term, "the real deal". 

I liken the whole thing to those grown men and women who work on children's television networks, pretending to be 13.. I guess they enjoy their jobs but I'm pretty sure they drink themselves to sleep every night. 

the blonde guy is totally wearing a wig..

Now, I don't know who caught Breakthrough with Tony Robbins on TV last night but it was so great to watch.  [episode link] 

We like to joke he's so huge his fist is like a bunch of bananas but he's such a cool person and you can just tell it was a completely genuine story.  He really changes people's lives in a significant way and seems like he spent much more time with them than what was just filmed for the show.  Sorry, Jillian Michaels.. your Losing it with Jillian is the kind of crap I hate seeing on television.  To me the losing seems to refer to all kinds of credibility. "I'm moving into your house for a week and exploiting the shit out of your kids and whatever reason seems fitting for why you're 'fat'!  But I'll be back in a couple months to see if you lost a shit ton of weight and just really hope you did it in a healthy way."

So I like Tony's show, even if it trumps Extreme Makeover: Home Edition in making me want to cry my freaking eyes out.  I forgive you Tony!  I like seeing people who aren't just a quote and a go-get em' attitude.. but really live that way; especially if you're going to do a show like that I'm glad he takes such a personal interest in changing the direction people are going.. and is so excited by their success'.  I think especially anyone who works/volunteers in the industry of caregiving, teaching or mentoring can appreciate how great that feels.  Nomatter what the circumstances everyone should be living their best lives, and I dig seeing anyone genuinely invested in that. 

Catch the show next time if you can, there are only 5 more specials on NBC Tuesdays at 8pm. 

Timing in life is everything...you can do the right thing at the wrong time and you will not be rewarded. Know the "season" your in!    @tonyrobbins

Make your own

Cooking up some playdough today and I thought I would post the recipe I have if anyone wants to try it themselves! 

"Daddy getting mad at the groundhogs making holes in the backyard"  So lifelike.

@ work

Nature's Playdough

1 cup flour
1/2 cup salt
1 cup water
2 tablespoons oil
2 tablespoons cream of tartar
beet, spinach, and carrot juice

In a pot mix flour, tartar, salt and oil, and slowly add the water. Cook over medium heat, stirring until dough becomes stiff. Turn out onto wax paper and let cool. Knead the playdough with your hands until of proper consistency. Use as is, or divide into balls and add a few drops of the vegetable juices to make green, pink, and orange.

You can of course just use food colouring too, and may I suggest the gel colouring if you do.  Seems like it would be easier.  By the time you're done kids will be happy and you'll look like you've been picking poison berries all day.  Why poison?  If you have to ask then clearly you have not made any poison berry jam lately.  It gets everywhere!  Almost like it wants to leave evidence...

All my friends are dead

source: http://www.nomorefriends.net

I was in need of one more plant to fulfill the destiny of my last empty planter pot I bought a set of for the front entrance. It had looked sad for weeks. I thought to myself "self.. just get something green. don't test your luck, you know you've been neglecting that one in the basket downstairs just to see how long it wants to hang on. part of you doesn't believe it's real.. it lives in a basket". Did I listen to myself? No, I never do about stuff like that. Of course I bought the nicest looking bonsai tree. The ONLY plant in the store that came with a booklet of instructions that basically told me this thing is a huge bitch and doesn't even like being moved around. It will lose some leaves in a few weeks just because you brought it home in your car and it changed temperatures... congrats, idiot!

I read this and then determined to have it in my house, scanned the booklet until I found one ray of hope in it's huge cloud of despair; most people kill these things by over-watering them.. no chance there! Sold! And this is why my plants die. You could say I'm really optimistic or I'm horticulturally irresponsible. Either would be true. As well as damn awesome, but let's just focus on my plant problems right now. So for some reason I get this home, feeling good about my huge risk, and as I go to put it into its pot... doesn't fit. The thing is a good 3 inches too wide for the pot I had and I somehow didn't think to check that. Rather than admit I've made a huge mistake I optimistically attempted to fix my problem by just shaking some dirt off it so it will fit.

I shook the plant that hates temperature change! I physically touched its tiny little roots. My god that thing must be so pissed right now! Hopefully I can deprive it of water enough for it to decide to forgive me and be part of the family.. instead of dying. I think the correct choice is clear here but I'll update you on what this crazy thing decides.

A Coward AND a Scoundrel!

Wouldn't the world be so much better if you could still do stuff like this?

Really though.. why wouldn't he just give him some satisfaction?  I most certainly offer satisfaction to everyone I've insulted.  I'm so honorable in fact that if I happen to owe anyone some back-satisfaction just call my cell and we'll totally duel it out ok?  I realize all this guy was asking for was an apology but I like to take it a little farther than that.  Mix it up.. keep it interesting.  What's an "I'm sorry" next to a great excuse to draw pistols on the lawn?  The answer is nothing.

Unused pencils

It's probably no surprise to anyone that I get less sleep than 80% of you. If I'm not up twice, it's three times a night tending to really pressing stuff like "I saw a shadow" or "I had a dream about tomatoes.. I DON'T LIKE TOMATOES!" and of course getting bottles of milk ready. So getting back to sleep sometimes the oddest things pop into my (what should be empty) head. Last night I was driving home from Hamilton, which I never do, and I realized I should check my headlights as I didn't see them on. I pulled right over into what happened to be a liquor store parking lot downtown. As I got out to check I noticed it was locked up and abandoned looking, which might just be what a closed liquor store looks like down there as I was pretty sure it was open less than an year ago. We all know how unlikely it is that a liquor store goes out of business! but that's what it looked like.

Well apparently that little 30 second stop caused a random memory to pop up in the middle of the night of a time my mother and I went to that liquor store when I was little. Back then they had those cold blue pools you could quickly chill your shiz in.. remember that?? Anyway! it was summertime and it was busy but as we left I must have really bugged her for a dollar, cos she actually gave me one, because I wanted to give it to the man sitting outside in a wheelchair selling bright neon coloured pencils in a cup. I was really happy with myself for doing that since I thought that maybe he could go home if he sold them all. It reminded me a little of the story of the little match girl if you've ever had it read to you... I am not sure why it was a child's story since it's the saddest fucking thing on earth but anyways. I fell asleep finally, remembering that day and the fact that as soon as I got back into the car after my good deed I was incredibly heartbroken over it. No, not because he was in a wheelchair.. I was a child, I could have convinced myself he was making extra money to pay for a groundbreaking surgery so he could walk again if I really wanted to.

You know the moment people talk about when they realize their parents don't know everything/Dad isn't the strongest person ever/neither of them will live forever? That moment was it for me; seeing a grown up man, as pleasant and happy he was, and all he could think of to sell were pencils because he really needed money. Grown ups were not supposed to do that and I was pretty sure that's not the kind of thing he wanted to be doing, either. I don't think I ever did use the pencil I bought. Hmm. I swear the brain is just a bunch of electrical impulses playing russian roulette up there.

Friday Potato Triptych

excuse me what is this?

ohh I get it..

ha ha sweet potatoes, you're funny!

Ohhh, a skiddo!

If you aren't privileged to deal with children everyday and ever wanted to know what it's like, I'll sum it up for you in picture form.


Sometimes it's like this..

And sometimes it's like this..

[source]

And if it ever becomes both at any point there's always a little gem to make it back to pink lemonade and cupcake time, like this one:

"It's a horny dinosaur!"
- a horned dinosaur, yes

"Can I make a skiddo?"
- what's a skiddo?
"A space man"

Karen! Karen!

I don't love funny or die usually but I could not have enjoyed this clip more.  Jewel undercover as Karen the shy frozen food executive at a karaoke bar!

Undercover Karaoke with Jewel from Jewel

Sighting

Over the weekend we walked past a  falcon juvenile Coopers or Sharpe-shinned Hawk in our neighborhood and obviously took a picture as it was just sitting there, sizing us up I suppose.  There was another in the tree above it with some feathers sticking out of it's mouth and the owner of the house excitedly proclaiming with his facial expressions from his porch, "Holy crap guys it's a falcon hawk in my yard!" I swear that's exactly what he said, facially.

Sean even saw one (probably the same one) scatter a bunch of small birds in our backyard and thinks he made off with one.  Badass? Yes.  Can't believe I missed it!

Pretty cool as they're endangered in Canada so you don't really see them.. at all.  There is actually a hatching sanctuary/observatory on top of a mall in downtown Hamilton where some birds decided to hang around and there's a whole live webcam setup and everything every year; people get pretty excited about it which I always thought was neat.  I currently live in a very rural area but Hamilton isn't sononomous with "wildlife", you know, so I like their attitude of 'I am going to fly wherever the hell I feel like... so suck it.'

I have had an unprecedented day and felt it was my duty to make note of that.. somewhere.  I'm all out of napkins to write on so I'll share with you that I took my grandmother to the LAST restaurant I was ever going to take her to in my life and she liked the food.  In fact, she not only liked the food she actually sent COMPLIMENTS TO THE CHEF!  We stayed for cappuccino and espressos after the meal which never happens either.  I've finally figured out she only wants to eat food exactly like she makes but better.  Problem solved!

I also made 2 dozen blackbottom cupcakes for a stag and doe and didn't even eat any batter