I elfed myself

http://www.elfyourself.com/?userid=4370b56dbb0e5302f872c4eG06122710




In case you ever wanted to see me do a ridiculous dance without using any imagination or being around whilst I drink... in costume. Damn that sounds like fun. I hope everyone had a great Christmas!

Last party of 2006

Last night my cousins came over for one last party of the year, and before me, the man, and the little man move to our new house in Oakville. As the night and drinking went on OF COURSE we NEEDED to re-enact the 'dick in a box' video, pictured below for your consideration. Here's a little musical dialog that captures the whole night pretty nicely.


Antonella: christmas...
Ann: dick in a box!!
Antonella: hanukkah...
Ann: dick in a box!!
Antonella: pakistan...
Ann: what?
Antonella: islam?
Alisia: isn't it Quizno's?
Ann: no, kwanzaa!! .... dick in a box


I like how after I make the correction, I have to finish my part of "dick in a box" haha. I need closure on this anecdote! Literally we had so much fun that I just can't wait for New Years when we get to do it all again, but dressier! No really, I can't wait. I'm sleeping through Christmas and when I wake up it better be New Years eve... just place my presents around me.

The gift that needs giving

An instant Christmas classic.

Is that baby body glitter?

Disclaimer: this post is in no way intended to be racist or making fun of asian's putting on make-up



This is hands down THE BEST Christmas shopping story ever, and it doesn't even have anything to do with talking a gun-toting Santa down from the roof a mall. So we're shopping, yadda yadda, completely zoned out like the rest of the xmas zombies and trying to find a DVD to watch that night ...when the flow of traffic is stopped due to multiple baby-stroller jam. About 3 separate mothers are trying to intersect eachother in one tiny walking lane, in Walmart of all places, so just picture that. We stand there patiently while they sort out who goes where... then the way is cleared and we continue walking down the isle. About 5 seconds later both Sean and I stop, turn to eachother with a weird look on our faces, and go "was that... was.. that baby's ...eyebrows drawn on?" confirming that yes, we both saw it, and yes someones mother had actually DRAWN ON (with black eyeliner) skinny MAD LOOKING LATINA eyebrows, not to mention "cat eye" lined the actual eyes. OF A BABY! ...who looked, at most, 5 months old. Although with all that make-up I could have sworn she was the tiniest 15-year old I've ever seen. There was no mistaking it, that baby had make-up on... and that is both the most hilarious and saddest thing I have ever seen! Clearly, the only thing sadder is that I do not have a picture of it.

Re-enactment photo.




This is, with no exaggeration whatsoever, exactly what that baby looked like (as she was also asian) except she was wearing a pink bear-like hat.

I feel so sorry for this poor baby that I used in my example.. how could you, in all seriousness, do this to your child??? haha. Did she wake up that day and say to herself "You know what, that's it, I am SO SICK of my baby's lack of eyebrows! She is a total failure in hair growing of the facial area! I see how all the other babies make fun of my baby, and I can see their mothers whispering 'zero-brow' to eachother when we stroll by. At this rate I don't know how she will even stand a chance of getting into a decent college! I am going to draw some on, like a drag queen... but angrier and while I have my eyeliner out here I'll just dress up the eyes up a little bit as to make her cuter, and more popular with boy babies"

Haha oh God, I know what I want for Christmas!!


Dear Jesus,
Please send me that child's picture with Santa. I'll also accept a family portrait, where hopefully everybody has eyebrows like this... even the men.

Love,
Ann-Marie

Yum-O M G I'm annoying

This past week I've been cooking Rachael Ray 30-Minute Meals. 30 Minutes my ass, ok? It's more like an hour to an hour and a half. They're pretty delicious though. She may be the most annoying woman on television but at least it's real food and not foo-foo salad dinners. Sean's been loving it, and it beats the hell out of being crushed to death by my collection of frozen food boxes.

Ex. A.



This was my actual attempt to throw away all the boxes when Brooke was visiting me, them falling down the stairs, and her telling me I need a picture of it. It truly is a a testament to impatience and overall laziness. Yay for real food, but seriously, don't you just want to punch her in the mouth?

sean says:
im a bad husband


ann---marie says:
pretty much terrible, yes
you're not allowed to use dishes until you learn to appreciate them
until then, you eat dinner in your hands
possibly a garbage bag


sean says:
hahaha

Monday is the new Saturday

Christmas shopping is here. Actually, it was a few weeks ago and like usual I have not done any yet and I'll end up buying everything in one long horrifying mall-packed day. So I should have more accurately said.. Christmas shopping is here, has been waiting for me for 2 weeks, and is unbelievably pissed off. I've already been checking out the mall situation and it's BAD... Hasselhoff BAD. Especially if you get anywhere close to a Walmart and their animated singing Santa's and $4.99 bedsheets. It's a virtual breeding ground for senile agitation.

That reminds me.

So my grandma came over yesterday morning and basically brought Christmas with her. I didn't have a tree yet, etc. of course, so she just happened to have one in the car. And a poinsettia plant. Oh and the tree is fiber optic, so I'm already more Christmalogically advanced than about 98% of the population. Really my grandma is sweet, but she kept cleaning my fridge which couldn't be more annoying. She has arthritis in her wrist and high blood pressure for Gods sake... I'm going to literally kill my grandma with my messiness. Or learn to keep everything lick-able clean. Haha, ya that's not going to happen soooo my grandma is going to die.

Uh, on a lighter note, Lego StarWars is so cool. Why is it the G rated games are always the most fun/addictive? I don't care, the fact that you can make the green monster poo lego cubes.. for absolutely no reason.. is just about the best thing anyone has ever thought of. However, I don't think kids should play. They need to read more books or ..something. Threaten to stab them if they don't play their v-smile. I have my reasons...

"H.. it starts with the letter Pear."

- kid in grocery store, looking at a can of tomato sauce

Q: Are my grillz safe for children?

Come Christmas morning, wouldn't you love to unwrap this fine piece of jewelry? And by unwrap, I mean, take out of the brown bag it shares with a pack of Virginia Slims and half-eaten smoked ham? Just look at the craftsmanship. It's as if the diamonds were actually smiling for you! Oh and incidentally, they ARE safe for children over 12. Crunk for the whole family!



Heard from my livingroom last night "Dude, why won't any lickatoads come to our fucking garden?!" & "Costalot is such a cunt" Last night Brooke and I stayed up all night playing Viva Pinata! that Sean got me.



Best prezzie ever. It is ridiculously addicting so, in a month or so you might hear there was a pinata intervention. Until then VIVA!!

All around me are familiar faces

Last night Andrea came over, we got some Thai food and went to see Borat. Holy fucking shit. He went so far in that movie that he actually ass raped "too far" and burned his house and his mother. They were all in flames, ok? Some of it was funny but most of it (and I'm talking 85%) was too extreme to even laugh at because it hasn't even registered yet. Then there's that 5% of the movie (aka the nude fight scene) that offended me visually more than if they literally taped a live execution and took a nice long piss all over the corpse. Anyone who's seen the movie can back me up on this.

Anyways, I had so much fun hanging out with Andrea. I almost pissed myself when the Gears of War ad came on. Mad World is apparently a new inside joke, ever since some nerd on xbox live started singing it over his headset (waiting to play the actual game) and then Andrea confessed it's on her myspace page. lol. We also almost drove off the road like twice laughing when we were doing skits from the best of Will Ferrell and then when we see a big group of Santa's running around on the street. Literally I think there were about 25-30 Santa's. This was the best picture I could get from the car.



I'm pretty sure they were robbing that bank because there's no other explanation I can think of. Literally none.



Tonight I'm finishing off the last of the Tastykakes that Kevin sent me. I am officially sad that they do not sell these here because they're all sorts of delicious.

"that's not her mom, that's her social worker!"
- Andrea, about 2 people in a car



"I've got a fever and the only cure is more balls"
- me

Everything is illuminated

Visual: this weekends shopping trip







swarovski crystal christmas tree




Audio: overheard in a subway filled with people


middle-aged woman holding a balloon animal:
yeah well you just look like a crazy guy in a subway! like Clint Eastwood said in the movie California where I'm from .. you're just someone I'm walking away from!!!

man on a date that clearly went wrong:
ya well keep walkin'!!


I wonder why, in socially awkward situations like that, my first reaction is that if I remain completely still that I somehow become invisible. No motion whatsoever = I'm not a part of this. lol. Man, you know you're going home to a house full of cats and a lean cuisine dinner for 1 when you end dates by screaming in a subway and quoting movies nobody's seen.

Speaking of quotes.

Wes.. says:
is it wrong if i like the song maneater?

Would you like a massage?

I don't usually make Christmas lists but Archie McPhee is having a contest where apparently you can win yours just by submitting it. Sounds like a great deal! My entire wishlist is basically everything The Cubes, expansion sets including but not limited to:



the Copy Room.. where all the copying happens
AND the secret office sex, if any (yeah there's going to be some)





the Cubes Corporate Protester... he makes his own hummus, and sandals!





the Cubes Sensitivity Trainer... who heard about what we use the copy room for, apparently






and glow in the dark Corporate Zombies! GRAHHHHH


The only thing not The Cubes that I want are some cards for my dad, some weird gift wrapping paper, and this:

Albino Bowler Action Figure

The doors swing wide open and he stands in the doorway - a pale figure with stark white hair and a bowling bag. It's Dick, the Albino Bowler, and he's come to bowl. If you're lucky enough to be at one of the small town bowling alleys he chooses to visit, you're in for a treat. Soon everyone in the alley will be gathered around his lane to witness his extraordinary display of bowling virtuosity and his thick white sideburns.

I don't need any of this stuff and isn't that what Christmas is really about? Like deep down? Oh, right, no it's not. Okay this is why I don't make wishlists!

Fun in the Supermarket

You remember crack? Well it's back.... in creme form!

It's a big day for me

Today I am 9,001 days old.

Someone somewhere I'm sure is having a party for me. They might not know the party is for me, but it is. In case you wanted to know how I know that (because I obviously didn't do the math, let's be honest) you can go to the Birthday Calculator.

I think it's fantastic that both Al Gore and Christopher Walken share my birthday. I'm not sure why but I just do.


"There are 130 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 25 candles."



Dear Birthday,

Twenty-Five, for some reason, I don't mind. I suppose when we have this discussion at 45, my tune will likely change... and I might not like you. That is, if scientists don't declare our bodies inferior first and I transfer myself to pure energy and you have to literally have this discussion on the internet. Because that's where I'll live. FOREVER. Yes 20 years = 200 years to me. That's how little concept I have of a time where I'll actually even start to consider myself old. Until then I am looking forward to you, birthday. I still like you plenty.

Love, Ann.



While I'm writing letters...



Dear Gingerbread Latte from Second Cup,

You taste like Christmas. Especially with a strawberry jam shortbread cookie. I wish I could have you everyday, but I'd be too jacked up and all my Christmas presents would look like a two elephants wrapped them. I'm already pretty bad at wrapping. I'm up to a 2nd grade level right now.

Love, Ann.



Dear B Vitamins,

You make my pee glow in the dark. I think that's weird.

Regards, Ann.

Magic.. it's everywhere!!

I found this on YouTube, apparently she's now YouFamous for making all these whacked out videos but I didn't know that at the time. I thought this was fucking hilarious, the rest of it.. slightly entertaining but trust me you'll find yourself laughing mostly at the fact that you are sitting there at your computer actually watching it. I mean, I did.





If I was 13 now and had much better video editing skills (read: any skills) I would definitely be making films like this with my friends... and have my own YouChannel. I'm sad that I can't find the few videos we did make, and at the same time relieved. Gosh do I feel old... why am I not doing crap like this? It's so utterly ridiculous it's awesome, and you know how much I like that. On that note, a funny story that is 100% true. My cousin Vince is a math teacher and he was telling us about what "new" kinds of things the kids are saying these days. Yanno, what's going down on the streets. Apparently the new slang is to tell someone that they are "extra" or "arms". Yeah arms. As in "sir, you're so arms" ... hahaha, I thought he was kidding too like what does that even mean? Could be anything!

"Hey buddy, that's so LEGS man... you even realize how arms and legs that is?? Everyone, check this guy out... he's garbage can pizza slice!!!"
- "Whoa are you gonna take that??"

What's a matter with kids these days, you can't even come up with good slang. Just start naming random shit you see on the street, types of gum, diseases.. whatever!


"God, Alex, you couldn't get more AIDS if you tried!"
- "Shut up, trident mint whitening!"


I could go on all day. Literally. lol. Nobody is allowed to start saying garbage can pizza slice by the way. I OWN garbage can pizza slice. It's only cool when I say it.

It's (hung) over

My cousin Maria is officially married, dum dum dummm. lol jk. The wedding was absolutely amazing! All I have to say is she had a flambe show AND fireworks... not a lot of people can top that.

The wedding ceremony went well and the reception afterwars, but the photoshoot honestly felt like an episode of Punk'd. If I was famous for anything I would have honestly thought that's what was going on. The photographer was so crazy, he kept telling us to do all these weird things for the video. Like he had the guys do a mafia bit at the house, and Al shoots a guy for washing his car with rocks. Then at the greenhouse all of a sudden he's like "Ok all the girls start singing 'all you need is love' and then crouch down and the guys JUMP UP behind them and pretend to be trumpets!" Like what? None of us even knew the words, and we didn't get a practice run... so it kind of trailed off after like 8 seconds. The whole thing was basically just more things like that. At one point I just burst out laughing while he was still talking. Next I thought he was going to ask us "Ok so now I want you to all jump into the water and act like Alligators with your arms and say 'we love Maria and Al.... purple monkey dishwasher!'"

One of the groomsmen put it best when he said: "I think we died in the limo and this is hell" Hahaha. All I have to say is I really cannot wait to see that video, because if somehow it all makes sense I will be shocked.

The rest of the night (aka reception) was hilarious, I even got to be Vanna White when I brought out the prize for the Newlywed Game that was going on. Honestly I 'celebrated' way too much wine, so really I don't remember a lot of it in vivid detail... basically I just had a lot of fun and the food was great. There was one of those chocolate fountains. So good. Sean won the huge crystal champagne candle centerpiece which looks so great, I would have been so upset if I didn't have it. Plus it was pretty hilarious when we saw Al's grandfather had also won one and walking out with it Sean pointed out how much it looked like a Pimp Chalice. It really does... he was like 90 years old by the way.

At one point I was talking to my cousin from Florida who I have not seen in 11 years (or more) and guess what I decided to talk about? Cats and dogs. Cats and fucking dogs is the best thing I could think of. Seriously.. sometimes I really am an idiot when I drink, and no one should talk to me. lol. It's like there's a tiny part of my brain totally unaffected way in the back of my head going "you're talking about dogs Ann-Marie.. are you an idiot? because everyone thinks you're an idiot" and yet there's nothing I can do about it. Just to put the last nail in this coffin, I'll tell you how the night ended. As we're about to leave I'm told I somehow got my hands on a cup of beer in the short distance from the hall to the door. Sean asks me where the hell I got that and I say "this beer is great" (or something) and "do you think I can take this in the car with me?" he says no, that probably isn't a great idea so I leave it there.. pass out in the car, spill a bunch of liquid Tylenol everywhere, and puke 2 times before we go to bed. Apparently once wasn't enough. Must have been that fucking beer. I hate beer, by the way.

Seriously I have not actually gotten sick from drinking too much in an extremely long time. I'd say over a year at least. Next time I'm going to slow down a little more, but just a little. Watch out New Years Eve, I'm looking in your direction ;)

AnnSpace - A place where I don't like anything, at all

You know myspace has reached it's height in popularity when there are other sites based off of it. I ran into my death space and found it completely fascinating in the most whole-heartedly creepy way. All it is is a list of myspace.com members who have recently died. It tells you how they died, links you to their page, and then you get to read their profile and friends comments and shit. Before I knew it an hour and a half had passed by and I was sitting at my computer, convinced everyone I knew was going to die.

I'm not sure of the commentary on society here that there are tributes to a person's online profile, but the implications are not totally lost on me... I just am too creeped out to tell you what that is because I don't want to really think about it. I don't want to know you set yourself on fire, I don't want to leave you sparkly comments, I don't want to see your slutty pics on your way to a party, or see your headline is "playas only love you when they playin'" or hear your profile song is "The Offficial Stripper" by T Pain. Just jesus christ, everyone, delete your myspace's right away... and die like normal people please.

I don't want to personally identify anyone I know with being dead. Is that so wrong?





And I don't even know what to say about THIS



Members include "Hoopz" from the reality-tv show Flavor of Love. I was so conflicted with just the original myspace.com, I didn't feel like I really belonged. When I saw this all I could think was "Oh thank god, finally, a place for me." What's next.. mywhitespace? a place for Aryan friends. anorexicspace? a place for starving yourself to death. seemypoospace? a place for poo.

Come on this is so fucking ridiculous. If I met Tom, I would definitely knee him in the junk for making me write this post.

Maria Peckeroni

The bachelorette party was seriously the most fun night I've had in practically a million years. I think everyone pretty much feels the same way, especially Maria, which was the whole point of course!

I can't say enough about how completely awesome the night was, so, I might as well just show you (some) of the pictures.


Man, I wish we thought to actually bring the Bachelorette Barf Bag. We needed it. I also feel the need to mention I am not responsible for my dancing, just fyi, because I was having too much fun to care. Clearly. The only scandalous thing of the whole night were basically the penis straws. And maybe some of the gifts. Even if there was, I definitely wouldn't be writing about it on the site. Some sort of "last night of freedom" rule and all. What happens there, well, you know the rest ;)

I'm bringing 90s back

I was at my grandma's house the other day and apparently she cleaned out the ominous space behind the stairs with all my kid crap stuffed in it. I had no idea how much crap that was... so I'm impressed my grandparents could even physically do it by themselves. I think my grandma got a kick out of it so I'm going through it with her and I nearly DIE laughing. My Jem sticker book!!! haha. I swear, sticker books was the most lucrative thing ever created by toy industries. Kids just buying up all the stickers that the book told them to buy, after their parents already bought them the damn toys to begin with. Genius! "Why don't you just go play with your toys?" "I will, but Jem tells me I need two more packs of stickers" "Why?" "because I'm missing them in the book! see!" All I remember was carrying a suitcase full of crap like that around, so you can imagine how much my parents spent.

Anyways I just had to take a couple items that I didn't want to be in the garage sale.




Oh Jonathan Brandis fan club cut out card. I liked you so much better when you were in Tiger Beat then, yanno, when you killed yourself. In the pic he looks like he just got done with a 2 hour long sweaty work out of being depressed. Man that's hard work... so HOT.




Yeah that's right, I had neon pink DAYS OF THUNDER sunglasses. I got them at Harvey's. Obviously you agree I could not be any COOLER. I should start wearing this all the time and see what happens. My best guess is that when I have them on "Highway to the Danger Zone" plays constantly, but only I can hear it. Why? Because "You can't stop the thunder."



I'm bringing 90s back! The least popular decade, my ass.

Happy Halloween :)

I'll get the rest of the pictures on Friday.. bachelorette party night! Woo woo.

I'll have everything, with everything on it. For here AND to go.

Last night was hilarious. I ended up drinking what had to amount to an entire box of wine lol. No really, I only had 8 drink tickets the whole night but I guess my cousin vince was a pretty good bartender! I partied all night, danced around, met new people, saw great costumes, helped sell tickets and shooters, and ended up leaving with a complimentary pizza! The only way it could have got any better is if Sean had been able to come with me instead of having to work. The second way the night would have been better is if it didn't start off with my being involved in a car accident. The third way it would have been better is if that car accident hadn't been with a member of the groom's family... oh and his car was very damaged. Great first impression right? I guess I should say that's it's good that everyone was OK, but honestly from the look on that guys face he didn't seem like he was going to be OK. I saw that same look once on a guy who found out he'd be getting executed in a couple of hours.

Oh by the way we sold about $300 in jell-o and pudding shots. Yeah, pudding. It's pretty good actually. Thanks to the one person who actually guessed.. you're my hero. I can only assume it means nobody else really wants to see me being embarassed. Wow, I never thought this day would come! I feel like I should thank somebody or make a toast... because there's a really retarded one of me near the end of the night. lol.

Speaking of weird. I'll just end this post by telling you what my mother made me for brunch. A syrup-soaked pancake with a fried egg on it, a bran muffin and 3 cherry tomatoes with ranch dressing on them. She said "well I didn't know what you wanted" .. um not THAT! Never have I ever been so indecisive that I wanted someone to just bring me everything.

All treats, no tricks

Two things in the media right now that I am pretty positive are signs that luck really exists. Actually accusing Michael J. Fox of "overdoing" the Parkinsons for sympathy ... and being paid $3.5 million dollars to tell everybody how you killed a couple of people. Not the usual prison time and daily anal rape for him! And Rush Limbaugh has managed to stay alive somehow instead of being sucked directly into hell, so, that's a way better deal than usual too. What a couple of lucky guys! I bet you thought me proving luck exists would be more life affirming and hopeful. Nope! I also think it's totally fair that for me, luck exists as I just occasionally find a $5 dollar bill in an old coat. Yeah.. just as good. Wow luck is a real asshole.


I am really looking forward to Halloween. My cousin Maria is having a Stag and Doe costume party so an added bonus is we can win prizes for dressing up. I was going to dress up as Alice in Wonderland but I decided to go as red riding hood, same as last year, since I wanted to win best couples costume! I'm pretty sure that me and my big bad wolf will win <3 ;)

I'll tell you all about it the following week as I'm positive the entire night will be well drunkumented. Since I'm a bridesmaid, I'll also be working that night as one of the shooter girls I think. I'm going to extend an offer that if anyone guesses within 5$ of the total money made from the shots Antonella and I sell then I'll post a really stupid picture of me from the night, if one is taken. Trust me.. one is always fucking taken. I'm going to go ahead and guess for you right now that it'll be me making some stupid scary face or one of the 89 pics I am in the middle laughing. You can't put a price on that.

Controls of the contest:

Number of tickets printed = 300 (number attending unknown)
Wedding party total (including Bride and Groom but not including kids) = 16
Price of shooters = 2$ - 4$
Number of hours of the party = at least 5
Food served = tasty buffet

If you're not sure why that last bit of information might help your guess then you're either a) not going to do very well in this contest or b) never been drunk/around drunk people. The more food you eat, the more you can drink. Obvi.

I guess the contest ends Nov. 1st.

Also! I'm really looking forward to the Lost party tonight at my house. I wonder what Lost themed food would be.. peanut butter? Also, adding chocolate soy milk to your coffee instead of vanilla is one of those ideas that are 100% not as good as you thought it would be.