Sweet Disposition

Photographer: Rodney Smith

Weeks ago I last talked about confessing why I am a total hypocrite after tormenting my son Ethan with even 5 mins of watching Labyrinth. I like to wait until at least 15 days after I have a baby to tell people what a failure of a parent I am. If I could somehow tie this terrible decision into being a result of my parents letting me watch Poltergeist (and in fact having a cousin named Carolanne, to creep it up some more) that would be great. I know that I must have been at least 5 when I saw Labyrinth but I remembered LOVING it so when I was trying to think of awesome alternatives to a) watching any more Star Wars or b) especially Clone Wars cartoons.. I saw it on the NetFlix and thought "MAN this is going to blow his mind!"


I was right.. but it was because he was soul-shatteringly upset he cried his eyes out. I literally sat there consoling him as if I just showed him video of me rounding up a bunch of puppies and executing them. You might ask why, and the reason he gave me was that he was really, really concerned about the baby. Telling him the baby was OK wasn't enough since the Goblin King also scared the shit out of him, and therefore the baby was not OK. This happened again when he saw the end of Revenge of the Sith and Padmae gives birth to the babies and dies. He actually tried to keep himself from crying which I've never seen a kid do, and his exact quote I believe was "I can't take it anymore.. my heart feels like its in a million pieces." He's a sensitive one, that one... and a little dramatic.

(What my boy looks like when you give him a lego star wars cake) 

I should note here that he regularly creates Lego monsters that can rip your head and body off so maybe it's just about babies for right now. More research is needed. Hope everyone is having a great Family Day!

Vitamin Water for the Homeless

Comedy Central's Jokes.com
Tags: Jokes,Joke of the Day,Funny Jokes

Baby

Hi, I'm here!

Seeing as I just turned my blog into a giant bowl of cuteness, I'll save all the best parts of our experience from the last few days for another time.  Just know that it involves a teddy bear on a toilet sticker on my medication though.  So disturbing.

Peel your eyes off

The times I love having not just a 5yr old, but MY 5 yr old the most, are directly related to being exceptionally funny. He tries all the time to be funny, and it usually involves the word poop, pee or the punchline that someone is going to the bathroom and then asks if that was funny. I say no. He's not old enough to know that he's incredibly funny though in moments when he's just being himself. We had an unexpected PA day today, unexpected in the way that I realized IN the car at the bus stop.. 5 mins after it was supposed to arrive.. it was probably a PA day. That was not cool as it was seriously cold this morning but while waiting in vain for the schoolbus to come Ethan suggested we pool our resources to find it faster, and misusing a common phrase in basically the best way I've ever heard. You see, he was going to keep his ears open to see if he could hear it coming.. and my job was that I should peel my eyes off. I could not even stop laughing to correct him but hey.. it's a weird saying anyway!

So what do you do on an exceptionally cold Monday PA day? Watch quite a lot of Star Wars and then go sledding for a bit. I'll tell you two stories associated with both of these. One, I am the dumbest child ever.. and the other, I am the worst parent in history and potentially hypocritical after all the bitching I've done about the inappropriate stuff my parents let me watch. I mean I did, after all, turn out JUST FINE.

The first time my parents decided to take me out tobogganing for real, aka down a hill by myself, I was in 1st grade. They decided that I also needed a 3 person aluminum sled that went really fast and that neither of them were going to go on with me more than once. So there I was, top of the hill ready to go, and at the bottom of the hill were my parents and a large brick building.. I think the whole hill area was a water treatment plant. Either my parents didn't realize if they aren't on the sled with me, it will go faster and farther.. or they thought I had a lot more common sense than I did. Not only did I actually sled right into a brick wall but I did so ignoring my parents yelling at me to jump off.. because I rather take my chances than jump off of something moving.  I had never practised that so it was the equivalent of jumping out of a moving car to me. There is no moral to the story other than don't take your kids tobogganing the same week as picture day.  I lost a front tooth earlier that month so I looked REALLY GOOD.

Damn.. maybe after that story I think I'll tell the other one another time. Instead here's a bunch of pictures of that not happening when we went sledding today.

Sunnier

A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night.

- Steve Martin

Ironically, when he smiles with his eyes they look like little moons :)

FIVE

One of the things I was very sure of about Ethan turning the big 5 is that he needed a special cake. I don't know why exactly.. perhaps because I so much remember turning 5 myself. I didn't have a fancy cake but there was a cute Carebears topper holding a balloon that said 5 on it... I'm sure with how my grandmother hoards things it's actually still around somewhere. I wanted to start a tradition of giving the kids special birthday cakes every 5 years, hoping they'd really look forward to it and remember them as special years. The result ended up being so awesome, I think it ended up feeling a little selfish since we were about as excited as he was. His face was priceless!


Enter, Lego Star Wars cake (with Tye Dye insides!)

R2 was my fave!

Ugh, the coolness was just too much. I take no credit whatsoever for the creativity when I ordered it.. my only contribution was (agreeing with all their awesome ideas and) it MUST have a Darth Vader on it, which Ethan noted and then nom nom'ed him; and I think a lot of other characters.

I don't know how much the cake had to do with it but he was so happy that day and had so much fun at his playground party that the fact he kept thanking us in the car was almost too much.

the Shitty bar

I need hobbies to occupy the next 4 weeks or so that I can do while sitting down, so I thought I'd start my own 30 Days of Photos album. I'm not going to post it everyday since that's ..overkill.. but it's on my flickr and if you want to play too, have at it, add me or leave a link!

I'm on day 2 and already I know I likely will be interrupted before 30 is up, but that's just adds to the fun doesn't it?? So mysterious! PS who the hell does 365 on flickr and considers themselves 'normal' .. normal is giving up, man! You are not that interesting all year!

30 days also seems to be the magic number for keeping my attention. 31? not as attractive for some reason. 60, you must be joking. I get physically angry at anyone who counts down to something longer than 60 by the way, so I don't even want to hear about it if you did that for some reason. I can't handle the subsequent thoughts of you as a child in some sort of long car ride or whatever.

My other relaxing hobby so far is tweeting kijiji ads I find that are so, what's the word? Hamilton. Oh, and funny!

• Balls for girls, everyone. Who needs balls for girls?! I have two. http://bit.ly/gee5MC #kijijihamilton

• Mint condition marvel action figures! http://bit.ly/fjGzgW see my 'other ads' aka the finally getting laid collection #ilovekijijihamilton

• anyone want to open a really shitty bar with me? they've got labatts, molson and mill time left! http://bit.ly/g31bsg #kijijihamilton

Lucky Number 3

I've had a handfull of moments in my life where I knew, even if there was or wasn't a reason for it, that I was doing something I'd never be doing again. Whether that fact was wonderful or awful I've always appreciated those moments for their clarity since life just so rarely gives us any of that. I don't know how many times I've heard that if only someone knew it was their last ______ they'd have done something differently. I'm not talking about things you just flat out didn't like so you don't plan on doing it again. Those are pretty easy. I don't like butter tarts for example.. it's not news to me I will never be eating one again and I don't have any feelings about that. Maybe a WTF face since butter tarts are terrible. What it could be is something like the day you graduate or go to your last day at work or whatever; it deserves a little recognition, even if it's a small thing.

For me right now.. I am completely finished with pregnancy/child-making as a life experience. I'm fortunate I even had the opportunity since some people do not, or desperately cannot, and although it has left me irreversibly changed (literally.. one of my children took some of my guts with them when they left. I'm also anemic and my thyroid stopped working..) I couldn't be more lucky to have done something universally agreed as almost unbelievable which is also unfortunately impossible to describe to another person who hasn't also experienced it first hand. Everyone but you is pretty much a witness. The results were kinda nice, too :) I suppose that all that before I turn 30 is somewhat of an accomplishment as a human being.. I did a ton of stuff, y'all! I used to joke with one of my pregnancy penpals to tell her husband.. you just cannot win a contest with a mom of shit they did that day. Growing a person plus anything else always comes out on top. But on the reverse side, I'm done before I'm even 30. I need to appreciate that fact, mainly as a person who, in life, never likes to say never; so the little time I have left will be even more sweet. When I can have champagne again we will definitely be doing a little celebrating.

Bring on the table-flipping madness that is a house full of boys and one bathroom!

French fries are the devil.

My Sunday night story

I didn't think I'd be writing anything about the start of the new year until I had my very own "celebrities, they're just like us" moment at the grocery store.  You know at the back of People magazine or US weekly where they show celebrities walking their dog or putting gas in their car segment.. and you're supposed to go WOW it's like they're LIVING MY LIFE!  Or.. something like that.  Anyhow so without boring you of the details of my Sunday night, we went to the grocery store to get bread and lunch things and suddenly I pass this really tall guy in a black and grey lumberjack looking jacket and baseball cap.  He looked right at me for a moment and while a normal person would have smiled, because that's the polite thing to do, I likely had a funny "heyyy..." face because I was either having a stroke or I was looking right at Ryan Gosling.  In the vegetable section of my Fortinos.   In the middle of processing this, as if he was answering me, his face made a friendly "no.. you don't really know me in real life" expression.  I appreciated that since it's the Canadian thing to do: don't make people think they're crazy.

After he passed I paused before I said anything to Sean because I still wasn't 100% sure even he would believe me, but luckily he stuck around the store to finish his shopping with his family so we got a good look again.  AKA Sean went to go see and I hid in the baby food isle just in case he thought I was stalking him.  Sean really enjoyed that.

Folks.. I am the worst at playing any situation cool.  Ok maybe not the worst since I didn't embarrass myself or bother him but I'm definitely the worsts cousin, pretty bad.  Never challenge me to a no smiling contest, no blinking contest, or poker if I am aware of all the rules; because by god I will screw it up.  Pay for groceries with a straight face?  Fat chance.  This is literally the picture I tried taking at the check out.

Where is Ryan Gosling?  He's standing exactly where the blurry monitor is... SUPER FAIL.

Our cashier asked me if I seriously just took a picture (she seemed unimpressed he was there, or upset he didn't choose her line) and I replied, of course I did!  haven't you ever heard of the Bill Murray "no one will ever believe you" stories?  I have.

You saw him in the video room so that means he wants you on the team.

Clearly I haven't died, I'm not writing from the beyond... in fact, I don't even know where I put my Ghostwriter notebook.  In retrospect that is probably the reason why I only solved like one case.

What actually happened to the website was a drunken bear crashed into it causing huge technical difficulties and my Dad asked if I'd like him to resolve it and I told him to take his time.  I thought it was a really good idea to maybe take an indefinite break.  Also I tend to share too much about the holidays and I didn't see how the world would miss one less story of my grandmother making me 'table flipping' angry due to some comment I can't even remember, which I silently pass through a part of my brain that by now is likely a huge tumor.

The holidays have been pretty exciting; a first ever Christmas School Play, a 6am Star Wars Christmas morning, the first year we spent in Port Dover with my family and taking a huge schoolbus of us and the kiddoos to see the Simcoe lights.

I also got to see Andrea for the first and last time in 2010.  If you're not in the know she is one of my best friends ever.  I made some Blackbottom Cupcakes for the occasion, cappuccinos, egg nog and cinnamon (I am apparently an unofficial Starbucks location for 2011) and we hung out pretty much as if I saw her last week.  It was a lot of fun for me.

You know what? I had such a great Christmas that if you do in fact think I robbed you of at least one more story about my grandmother for the year I'll give you a late present.  It's a good one.

When I lived with my grandparents naturally they would buy all my clothes, taking into account it was the 90s there was still a certain point where I wondered if she just hated me by what she chose (I, of course, could never pick out anything appropriate for myself).  There is a picture in existence of a 12 year old me attending my cousins wedding in an ivory pants-suit and button down pink silk shirt.  She though it looked 'smart'.  Doesn't the knowledge of that just make you smile?  I wake up in a cold sweat every once in a while dreaming was accepting an award on behalf of Michael Jackson.


Yet I still did this to my kids.  I hope one day they forgive me because it's flippin' adorable.

Firsts

Happy 1st birthday to my Little.  From a tiny warm basket of laundry and sunshine to my sweet bouncy chewy little monster.  It's been a great year.
xoxo


Your proud Mama

Things that don't make sense

1.  I love this shirt.  Love it.  I wish I could wear it for my birthday.

Heartbreaker Top, in Peacock by Of Two Minds

2.  but it's $324.


Those two things just don't make any sense to me.  I like a shirt that costs what?  Does it know that it's not even a sweater!?  Or a leather bag?  I feel like I should at some point understand women's clothing.  Is this going to be on the test?

Rescue from the Coffee Lagoon

I have never read mommyblogs, satirically written or otherwise, but I have to say if I DID read them then I'd definitely put Bedtimes are for Suckers on my list. I liked most of the posts but this one was pretty funny for me personally since our table is a freaking mess most of the time (what isn't.. actually). In fact, since I have Monday's for just me and my little Gabey, the table presently has a shrine to Ethan's trains.. just as he left them this morning to go to school. God help me if he were ever in an accident and I went insane and decided we were going to preserve his things exactly as they were until he returned home. We'd literally have to leave the house as it would be functionally unliveable.

The funnier part of the post was my being unaware that I really dropped the ball on the "LOL look what a mess my kid made" photo! And oh, I do have one, of sorts. I'll show you in a minute. First, it is the simple fact that my blog is not about being a mommy; that's way too specific.. my blog would only dream of being so focused on something! It's so high on goofballs there is no way to ever know what it's about.. and believe me, I've been asked!

That being said I assume someone familiar with my overall personality would believe I'd totally find all of that stuff precious and super funny.. but that just isn't the case folks. I'm extremely dull when it comes to fun via disastrous messes. I do not know why since I would love to have a parent like that.. but no, I don't seem to ever reach for my camera. If I am making a motion like I am looking for something at all it's probably patience. Anyone see my extra set of patience? I was sure I had it in the kitchen last. Like the time Ethan was 2 and he found the Peneten diaper cream, and painted himself and our dark hardwood floors with it. I sat there after cleaning him, with a knife and other various small tools for 25 mins trying to get that white waterproof goop out of the tiny cracks it filled in between the floor boards. I did not think of getting my camera once; how odd. But yes I do have one "LOL look what a mess my kid made" photo.. it exists! Ethan decided he was going to make it snow indoors.

In the process he antique'd himself with baby powder and the best part is this was all about 30 mins before my grandparents were coming over. I didn't intend him to be wearing a UFC shirt by the way, but it was pretty appropriate for this picture. It looks like he knocked down a wall to get that water bottle.


I admit I did find one thing he used to do pretty funny.. constantly rescuing Diego from the coffee lagoon.

Oooooo nooooo!

Then I remember the time I found him on my suede chair, somehow finding and then biting a pen in half... blue ink everywhere... I did not know whether to be afraid or somewhat impressed with that one. If only everything could be the coffee lagoon, I could start a website called stuffinmycoffee.com

Frightening Search of the Week

It's been an extremely long time since I've highlighted a search of the week but I had to seriously pause at someone finding my site by googling "having babies in the shower"

Since this website has nothing to do with that I feel it's my duty as a human being to answer the query ..non-judgementally *ahem* the shower is not the place to be having babies. I don't care if you heard it was the new cool way of having babies from trendy moms on the internet; if you'd like to have a baby in the shower I'll advise you there's no need to be a hero.. go to a hospital. They have showers there too if you're insistant upon having a baby there. Or in case you were looking for stories of ladies accidentally having babies in the shower.. don't worry, it'd be easy to step out and call yourself a cab if that were to happen.

If that search had nothing to do with that and was about an actual 'baby shower' somehow, you need to take a course on how to Google for the future. You aren't doing it right.

Chapter 5: Sonofa..

On the cover of Time Magazine...?

If my life was in actual, real chapters, because I thought I was famous enough for more than 10 people to read about my whole life and decided I needed to get super rich... I'd call this next one "Fucking Bitch Who Stole My Leather Jacket". Just kidding.. I have no idea what I'd call it probably other than you're not going to believe this bullshit. I was reminded of said chapter of bullshit, consisting of about a year or so of my life, by some innocuous thing like buying a certain kind of pasta side dish at the store. Yeah, really, pasta.

It's not as if I ever actually forgot about it but I may as well have being as disconnected with it as I am. When I was 13, a situation conspired where my family basically sheltered a 15 year old runaway girl until she turned 16 and therefore somehow not wanted by the police. She ended up staying longer than she was welcome. We'll call her Tiffany for the purposes of my story. My name is still Ann-Marie by the way.. in case you thought this was some kind of skit I was doing.

Anyhow, the specifics don't matter unless you'd just like me to give you a good hour of reading about why I should have never escaped therapy, but while I essentially lived with this person she had decided we were going to be best friends. 24/7. That wouldn't have been terrible if she wasn't a complete freak who, unlike a real best friend or sister, tried to make things like showering with me to save time or dating a family member of mine seem like "totally normal" shit .. which nobody else seemed to be present enough to notice WAS NOT NORMAL SHIT. You know, like that episode of Twilight Zone where everyone is a pig face and is horrified to look at a normal face. Well Tiffany, the giant gap toothed 'pig face' who did end up stealing my leather jacket when she left, liked to make this one Butter and Herb side dish from a package for dinner basically every day and I accidentally made it for dinner a couple nights ago. I couldn't eat very much. I am 28 and I am not ready to eat that pasta. I may never be ready to eat that pasta. It's shitty pasta anyway so I don't even want to buy it, it was on sale, so she can go fuck herself.

Did I just scare you all? Anyone? Bueller? It was only a summary chapter, everyone, if I actually wrote the whole thing.. I would have surely swore about 800 more times, at nobody. Ahh, I know the perfect way to end this post the way it deserves. Cunt.. balls..

Happy Hallowe'en!

I have had fun getting to the point where my now 4 year old "decides" what he'd like to be for Halloween, based on his likes.  I won't ruin the surprise but this year it has something to do with the 3 weekends full of all day SpikeTV reruns of a certain trilogy of movies.  It might rhyme with Bar Floors.  His Dad could not have been happier.

It made me think of my favourite costume decision when I was young: "business man" which was, in fact, just me dressing up as my Dad.  I so wish I had the picture from that year.. I think I was 10 or 11.  I literally wore one of his suit jackets (he's not the biggest guy in the world) and a red tie, gelled my hair all the way back and carried a briefcase with a HUGE cell phone in it.  I think I was going for his "Prudencial Insurance" days.  Oh and my mom went crazy with the eyeliner and penciled in black eyebrows, a mustache AND beard.  Picture that going to school.  I am constantly thankful that growing up, my own opinion was the only one that mattered to me.  It's a gift I can only appreciate now, knowing how the world is, and one that I would love to be able to give to all my kids if I could. Dressing up as my Dad was the coolest :)

I hope everyone has a safe, fun and costume-terrific evening!

Playing with Cars

Heard of the RIP Walkman playlist?  Sad, I guess, if you like to give human qualities to things like electronics.. and who doesn't?? in which case IT'S DEAD AND NEVER COMING BACK.  Or you could say on the bright side I had fun making a 90s playlist on 8 tracks.  

I have always loved how some music you love is a little like time travel.  

Sunshine

I thought the world could use a little more sunshine today, so I'm sharing mine :)

8 Tracks

Sweet site for listening to uninterrupted mixes of 8 mysterious songs. I got lost in it for a while.. it's kinda like the radio since you can't pick what comes up.  Also, if you feel like it you make your own mix but can't listen to it.. or more than 30 seconds of the song (to make sure it's the right one, I guess) mysterious right? You also can't skip ahead songs more than 2 times an hour.  I made one and labeled it the radio in your car.. which are a bunch of songs on the radio when I drive around, and I thought it was awesome. You'll be surprised at least once, I promise.

Enjoy 8 Tracks!

Seasonal: better things

You want me to kill what?  I don't see it.

Had a great anniversary day on Sunday, a rare whole day alone :) Beginning a new week is so unbelievably crappy though. The bright spot, as I choose to see it, is the last handful of months have conspired to make my hubbs and I realize getting time to spend together hanging out, not completely tired, isn't just a nice to have. Writing it out like that it almost confuses me as to why that happens to people at all, but anytime I want to be doing something fun, I always wish it was with him. Maybe we'll get lucky soon.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
— Marilyn Monroe

Are you f*#!@ grumpy?

I spent until 1:30am last night Skype chatting with Andrea so if this video is somehow not as funny as I think it is, it's because I'm seriously tired.  We're off the the apple orchard again today though so

Grandmothers, doing whats best for you if it kills you since 1982

This cookie jar from thrift store hell is living in my kitchen.

I received it from my grandmother who knows I don't own ANY things like this, I also don't have an abundance of cookies that need to be contained so therefore I've come to the conclusion she must be fucking with me at this point.  Not much else explains this cookie jar.

I have spent many years of my life crushing her spirit with sentences like "listen, this fur coat is great and everything.. it's just not my style."  Meaning we aren't in prohibition times.  Then, she cries.  However, I only expect this crazy crap during the holidays.  And it's because of my sporadically crushing her spirit that she only comes over with maybe 2 or 3 things.  If you don't have any idea of what that is like, you lucky bastards, then just picture waking up Christmas morning to an insane woman spraying fake snow on the outside of your windows and you'd be fairly close.  Not for me of course but for the children.  Christmas needs to take a dump in my house and forget to flush, like an asshole, or else everyone will be sad.  Unless ultra decorations your thing though.. then that is just wonderful.  I wouldn't come over and start taking shit down because I thought it was nuts so if you find my house 'depressing' because it's not flammable you're also more than welcome to just leave.  Also it's probably you that is depressed.

Obviously that is what I'd LIKE to say but you know it usually comes out as "Ok, that's.. a thing.  Uhhh ya I guess I could use it.  Sure."  Hey you try being the reason your grandmother cries at Christmas.  JUST TRY IT.  You don't have what it takes!!

If anyone would like to revisit the unfunny short 8 part webcomic series last year, you'll see why my frustration is as unending as it is historically amusing!  So here's the whole thing for old times. 

• puke chicken salad #1 
• lesbien #2 
• facts #3 
• watermelon #4 
• on a boat, good times #5&6 
• calling 911 #7 
• doubting thomas #8

Kicking off Turkey Weekend

Well, I had a really fun Friday.. I am incredibly tired but since when is typing considered "work" right?  I have a large tumbler full of Coke, everyone!  I can blog my Friday.

Man, I sound like such a white lady.  Who says blog my Friday?

So yes, this morning I took the kids to an apple picking orchard and hay filled, corn maze play-land called Froot To Go.  We played, mazed, hayed, and frooted with friends.  I really wanted to pick up one of their apple pies from the bakery for Thanksgiving dinner this weekend.. but then I remembered I don't like apple pie.  Buying one would only encourage people to keep offering me some even though I've had 28 years to try and like some, but don't.  Yes, even with vanilla ice cream.  Butter tarts too.  No I don't understand why they're related.  You see the dilemma.

Actually I was carting 3 kids to the car, two were asleep and one covered in hay.. so that's my real reason for not buying what was likely a fantastic pie for everyone but me.

My grandfather left on Wednesday for his annual week-long hunting trip up North.. so far North it takes two days to get there.  Sometimes even I forget how big Canada is when we just call everything upwards "north"..  and I live here.  Anyhow the orchard would likely be the end of the fun but I thought since it was such fabulous day out that visiting my grandmother was a good idea.  We had lunch, and it wasn't bad at all.. she was pretty happy to see us.  After that I was honestly tired BUT I headed over to my cousins house instead of pack it in for the day, again.  We got to hang out which is a serious work-week treat for me and Botson Cream donuts were involved.  You kind of have to know all the people involved in my day to understand how fun it was but you don't really need to understand to agree that being tired from fun is the best kind.  Totally awesome way to start the long weekend which involves pie I do like (pumpkin) and massive amounts of turkey.. and people to eat it with of course :)

Happy Turkey weekend to my fellow Canadians!

Crazy Thursday

via: Happiness is..

"Remembrance of things past is not necessarily the remembrance of things as they were."
— Marcel Proust

Oh, ... you're hungry

I'd love to get a Roomba if I weren't completely sure the kids would try and ride it. And I mean 100% sure. Ethan would also try and feed it until it eventually drowned in juice. I'll admit I'm slightly curious if Gabriel held on really tight, if he could Swiffer the floor behind it. Anyhow, it's too bad because the house certainly needs one.. or two.. ouu they could battle! I cleaned everything top to bottom on Sunday and have had to tidy it again 3 more times since, although not as much.

It's Wednesday.

That's normal but when I clean for 3 hours I expect dirt to know it's banished and should stay out of my sight for at least 24 hours. That's just polite right there. This subject came up when I was at my friend Kim's house and she mentioned she cleaned before we came but even the smallest crumbs under the couch would gross one of her friends out. I assured her that she wasn't talking to one of those people because I am pretty sure once we had children we didn't lose all functionality in the real world and were re-purposed as very pretty crumb catchers. This isn't 1950 so I still think it's funny that there only seem to be two kinds of people in this world.. those who care deeply how clean their house is at all times, and those who clean their house so other people won't talk about them. The first category populates maybe a generous 5% of the earth which basically means everyone else is doing so just in case their friends are "Show House" people and they don't want them to be uncomfortable coming over to a regular house that has DISHES in the sink or anything. Because more than one person lives there. I didn't mention a third category of people who don't care at all and hopes everyone knows it but they so rarely get guests I didn't think they counted. The film crew of Hoarders aren't guests, either... nice try though.

The city is pretty gritty for an itty bitty pretty girl

I feel like I should get into watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia because I've heard some really good things about it. If anyone out there is a fan and wants to push me over the edge, feel free, I'm having some commitment issues. You see, I am SO loyal I end up watching anything if I'm halfway invested and it's even remotely entertaining.

See: Grey's, Private Practice, Gossip Girl, Vampire Diaries etc.


My loyalty is non discriminate, and kind of a 15 year old girl. It's also not very modest. I love giving my qualities a persona by the way... it's just one of those types of Fridays? I get silly, go on about TV and quote a new episode of The Simpsons that hey, wasn't bad this time, honestly! randomly in my post title. I'll confess it likely has something to do with Andrea calling me up last night and deciding she will ONLY watch an episode of Jersey Shore if I'm there, and therefore we should get on Skype and watch one like we used to watch The Simpsons over the phone in grade school. Literally we'd just get home, get on the phone when it came on and only talk to eachother on commercial breaks. I hope it's plain to see why I'm so devastated that she's gone and NEVER coming back, and that now Brooke is also leaving.. I make so much less sense without them, and trust me, I can't afford it! lol. Imagine if every one of the people in life that make me make more sense lived in my neighbourhood, we could have annual chili and cupcakes cookoffs, hold ice sculpture team competitions with themes like "beer" or "brands of detergent" and we'd clear the street to watch B movies projected on someones house. If that sounds like a good time to you then, well, thank you for existing even if we don't know eachother.



I hope everyone has a great weekend, as always :)

Bay Stuff

An ad I just saw online:

It might sound extremely uppity of me but I could never buy something from someone who is of legal drinking age but can't spell cage. Or confuses whole for hole. Not that I was tempted in any way when I saw this ad, I actually wanted to know what bay stuff was, but if I was I'm just saying who'd ever be sure they were mentally aware of what a transaction was. A great reason to also never give this person a live animal. For all you know she'd eat him. I sincerely hope all the "bay stuff" she has to trade with are things she found because the mere idea she actually has a child makes me want to cry my freaking eyes out.

Yes, everyone, I'm aware that I've just confessed that in my eyes the mass murder of the English language and it being very questionable if a person could parent a turkey are basically equal. If I can argue though that it is because they usually go hand in hand. Like cosmetic surgery and the smell of desperation. It's the Joni to it's Chachi, the Balki to it's Cousin Larry, the Cadge to it's Cocketil.

Seriously, cadge... my heart hurts.

Colour Theory

via: barbara oliveria

I was washing the floor in the kitchen the other day, and seeing as we have a door to the backyard from it it naturally gets dirty pretty fast and I also like to make sure whatever potato bug etc that have died there are given a proper burial in my garbage. For some reason I was thinking about how when things die they quickly lose their colour, as I'm sweeping up this white little dusty bug. It made me think about how although Spring is associated with living, budding, blossoming and green, the theory that things are most alive when they are their most colourful made a good case for the start of (my favourite season) of Autumn. I've always thought it was the brief time when was the world seemed most awake.

All you have to do is look at the changing leaves, and how unbelievably red and orange and yellow they will get.. something I'm looking forward to. You can't argue that Summer or Spring is quite the same, although very colourful. Not even if it were under a sparkly blanket of fresh snow on a Winter night, or amongst chipper birds singing on a rosey fragrant Summer morning; it's colours are not the same. I like to think of it as the short moment in that year when things are at their best and most vibrant; where that little bite of chilly air that makes you put your hands in your jacket pockets is the whole world telling you to pay attention because things are happening. And it wants you to remember to be happening, too. And love being and seeing and doing all of it.

With a cute sweater, of course. The whole world definitely wants you to remember to wear one. I mean, Winners has a whole section called Chunky Knits... you can't ignore this.

Since my likes include ragging on Andrea all the time

Do you have any idea how hard it is for me not to comment on a picture of my friend Andrea holding famous crabs?  DO YOU?

 

I really don't think you do.

It was not hers but her boyfriend's album of their recent trip to California though, and I already commented 3 times.  If not for that fact, that thing would be RIDDLED with crab jokes. 

Only 3 more months until I can tell her she shouldn't show people her crabs at the table.  Or that I've never seen someone with crabs that large look so happy.  Ugh, I can't even decide!

Saturday Morning Mashup

Have a great weekend everyone.. word to your mother.

GO BLUE HAIR!

I was recently shopping for a birthday present for my cousins son's party this weekend. He is going to be 5 so you would think I'd have a lock on what to get him exactly but every kid has different interests, so I was pretty indecisive. If he liked trains I'd know exactly what to do, but he's REALLY into cars and Nintendo. I know he likes stuff from the movie Cars so I got him something with Cars on it he can take to school, and a sweater for next year (pretty sure he doesn't read my site so the secret is safe, for now) but I was torn between a mechanic car kit and the most hilarious game I have ever seen.

RACING GRANNIES!

"The Racing Grannies Racers Track Racing Granny Game contains everything you need to hold your own octogenarian speed competitions. You get a 26" oval racetrack with over 70" of track, two speed controllers, and two racing Grandmothers in motorized wheelchairs -- one red and one blue. (you'll need 4 AA batteries, too) There are also guardrails for the curves so the Grannies won't go tumbling to their death when you take the turn to quickly."

You have no idea how hard it was not to buy this!! The fact that they look blind makes it all that much better BUT I ultimately went with the mechanic set. I wasn't entirely sure a 5 year old boy would get how cool it really was. I think I'll be going back for it though because when I told my cousins about it they flipped out and suddenly I felt dumb since I hadn't thought to get it for our girls only weekend.. as a note, there may be drinking involved in the rules.

Man I love toys.

The universe happened on accident and is riddled with spiders

I swear in a previous life I was killed by a spider bite.  Even the book Charlotte's Web did nothing for garnering my sympathy.  I'd kill Charlotte, her babies, her grandma, and her sick aunt Gwen if she had them.  You know, if I wasn't too afraid to do it or anything.  This particular spider I remember from 2 days back hanging out by my garage and I ran away from it.  That's the terrifying thing about spiders, they sit there for an impossibly long time so you can gather the courage to confront them.. then all of a sudden WHERE DID IT GO???   Nature's magic little fuckers.  My answer for why I don't believe God exists doesn't even need to go beyond the fact no omnipotent being would ever create so many species of these things.   Any argument you have.. answer: then why are there 38,000 species of spiders?  Is it so I can appreciate butterflies?  Who wouldn't appreciate butterflies anyway!  I suppose the web outside my window is at least a little bit pretty.  Until bees and other insects get trapped in it and the unholy thing devours them like your own private Discovery channel.

In case you ever wondered, this site is merely the longest autobiography ever

One of my favourite things in the world is when my son Ethan* randomly announces that it is such a beautiful day outside.  I'm not sure why but it never fails to make my day when he notices it's quite lovely out.  I don't really remember being that age and noticing at all how it looked like outside, only what I was doing.

I remember a day from that time where my mom, step-dad and I lived in an apartment complex downtown.  The same apartment complex that had a corner store inside that I started eating candy from which my mom couldn't pay for.. which I think is called "stealing".  The same apartment my mom, step-dad, and I watched an eclipse from in the parking lot with blankets.  I had a best friend who lived in the next apartment that went to school with me that first year and her name was Diana and she was incredibly pale and had black short hair with straight bangs.  Now that I think about it, she looked like a china doll.  Our moms decided to get us together between the buildings and it was just the darkest chilly September day but we spent it bottle cap hunting in the dirt.  It was really damp, cold dirt.  We found tonnes as you can imagine ..the area we lived in lots of people drank outside, we just had to give up after (probably) a few hours.  That is one thing I will never claim to recall even to this day.. how much time something took.  


My point is it's really nice to remember days being nice just for no reason at all, and if Ethan's memory is anything like mine he'll just have a bunch of nice thoughts of beautiful weather.  Like when it smells like Summer is coming.  I usually have to have something specific happen.  My other point is that I really do remember the names and likeness of every best friend I've ever had.  Other than family members my memory backward ends with a best friend in pre-school named Jenny.. we mainly got in trouble for talking and I got called saucy.  Saucy!  I mean it's true but how was I supposed to know what that meant?  I even had a best friend in grade one named Valine until she moved away, and then I'm not sure I had any one particular best friend for a long time.  I have also never since met anyone else on earth named Valine.. which I think is an element on the periodic table.  Fun fact: Wes' cute mother was the lunch monitor in grade school.  Years and years later, she offered me a blowjob shot at a backyard party and I was scarred inside.  Growing up is so fun when parents embrace it, isn't it?  I hope to be as cool, you know, without embarrassing anyone.

*see excited pics below

Ethan's first day of school

Darth Vader tee, check.  Bakugan backpack, check.  Batman lunchbox, check check.

OMG OK LET'S GO!

Silent Sunday

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

via: goodmorning & goodnight

Sparkle Bath

The thread I am hanging onto my girl club membership includes 1. sweater love 2. baking cupcakes and 3. walking into stores like Sephora or Lush with my OMG IT'S SPARKLE BATH CAKES face.

That's it, that's really all.

via: whenitcomestoyou

Also, why does the best bath and shower stuff always look or smell especially edible? You know someone has tasted more than a few of these.


I know I could use at least one fancy bath this weekend.  My week has consisted of new children starting daycare, being September and all, and one in particular is a little out of hand.  Think Supernanny territory and you'll be warm - without going into specifics.  I like what I do but there aren't enough sparkle baths in the world for me to keep that situation up another week, and I love sparkles!

Labor Day weekend

Last BBQ of the summer was great.. despite the drizzle! and lasted well into the evening. It's always a fun time when you get to see a bunch of friends and also consume your weight in hamburgers and beer. I didn't have either of those but it sure did look good! Looking forward to Oktoberfest to hang out with some of them again as I have actually never been to one.

Yeah, really.

I could tell you about running into my friend Roxanne, completely by chance.. and the random kid who puked on the sidewalk in front of us while we were chatting. One of those moments where you feel it would be a scene in a movie about two peoples extremely different days colliding with each other. Or I could simply inform you what weekend NOT to get a haircut (aka this weekend, I don't know why!) ..but if I really filled this whole website with detailed accounts of every single thing that ever happens to me then I might die of boredom while writing it. This isn't Jersey Shore.. and if I'm not having fun, YOUR not having fun. Don't mistake that as concern for you, my reader, but more like a threat of some kind. I will say though, I still refer to Roxanne as my friend Roxanne even though I haven't seen her since university. It was certainly one of the highlights of the weekend.

That and welcoming September with roasted corn, pumpkin pie, end of the season tomatoes and homemade marble rye. Hey, summerbugs, always look to the future!

Pictured here from the Stag and Doe,
my reason for needing a haircut on the worst weekend for haircutting ever.

Unfortunate Header

...anyone proofread these things?

Bright side: so far all I'm feeling is some cool September breezes for our backyard "end of the summer" BBQ today.  It just happens to be my favourite weather so, if just for the weekend, THANKS!

Things that have made my week so nice

listen

Artwork by Moony Khoa Le. 
I love this one so much.

messagewithabottle.tumblr

I used to have a client as a Homeopathic "doctor" so you have no idea how much I enjoyed this..




If you're surprised I haven't mentioned peanut allergies a bunch before it's because there's nothing to say other than.. wow that sucks, and no it's not even funny because it's an uncool allergy.  BUT since I am a parent of a child who has a peanut allergy and have rushed him to the hospital projectile vomiting with body rashes, and cleaned up the horrible mess of some idiot giving him half a 'regular' granola bar.. anyone who finds that to be a bother while making school lunches this year can just zip it.  ZIP.  IT.  Yes, life with fake-PB has been so bleak I don't even bother trying them anymore or I'll start to cry.. but I have finally found a fantastic high quality equivalent! and not in a vegetarian "I guess this is pretty ok = awesome" meat alternative.  It's actually awesome! and good for you.  I've only found it at Walmart so start there if you're looking for something like this.  Try the crunchy though (it's red).  I know there aren't ANY allergens in it, even gluten so I have no idea what makes it crunchy but it better not be seagull bones or something.