All my friends are dead

source: http://www.nomorefriends.net

I was in need of one more plant to fulfill the destiny of my last empty planter pot I bought a set of for the front entrance. It had looked sad for weeks. I thought to myself "self.. just get something green. don't test your luck, you know you've been neglecting that one in the basket downstairs just to see how long it wants to hang on. part of you doesn't believe it's real.. it lives in a basket". Did I listen to myself? No, I never do about stuff like that. Of course I bought the nicest looking bonsai tree. The ONLY plant in the store that came with a booklet of instructions that basically told me this thing is a huge bitch and doesn't even like being moved around. It will lose some leaves in a few weeks just because you brought it home in your car and it changed temperatures... congrats, idiot!

I read this and then determined to have it in my house, scanned the booklet until I found one ray of hope in it's huge cloud of despair; most people kill these things by over-watering them.. no chance there! Sold! And this is why my plants die. You could say I'm really optimistic or I'm horticulturally irresponsible. Either would be true. As well as damn awesome, but let's just focus on my plant problems right now. So for some reason I get this home, feeling good about my huge risk, and as I go to put it into its pot... doesn't fit. The thing is a good 3 inches too wide for the pot I had and I somehow didn't think to check that. Rather than admit I've made a huge mistake I optimistically attempted to fix my problem by just shaking some dirt off it so it will fit.

I shook the plant that hates temperature change! I physically touched its tiny little roots. My god that thing must be so pissed right now! Hopefully I can deprive it of water enough for it to decide to forgive me and be part of the family.. instead of dying. I think the correct choice is clear here but I'll update you on what this crazy thing decides.

A Coward AND a Scoundrel!

Wouldn't the world be so much better if you could still do stuff like this?

Really though.. why wouldn't he just give him some satisfaction?  I most certainly offer satisfaction to everyone I've insulted.  I'm so honorable in fact that if I happen to owe anyone some back-satisfaction just call my cell and we'll totally duel it out ok?  I realize all this guy was asking for was an apology but I like to take it a little farther than that.  Mix it up.. keep it interesting.  What's an "I'm sorry" next to a great excuse to draw pistols on the lawn?  The answer is nothing.

Unused pencils

It's probably no surprise to anyone that I get less sleep than 80% of you. If I'm not up twice, it's three times a night tending to really pressing stuff like "I saw a shadow" or "I had a dream about tomatoes.. I DON'T LIKE TOMATOES!" and of course getting bottles of milk ready. So getting back to sleep sometimes the oddest things pop into my (what should be empty) head. Last night I was driving home from Hamilton, which I never do, and I realized I should check my headlights as I didn't see them on. I pulled right over into what happened to be a liquor store parking lot downtown. As I got out to check I noticed it was locked up and abandoned looking, which might just be what a closed liquor store looks like down there as I was pretty sure it was open less than an year ago. We all know how unlikely it is that a liquor store goes out of business! but that's what it looked like.

Well apparently that little 30 second stop caused a random memory to pop up in the middle of the night of a time my mother and I went to that liquor store when I was little. Back then they had those cold blue pools you could quickly chill your shiz in.. remember that?? Anyway! it was summertime and it was busy but as we left I must have really bugged her for a dollar, cos she actually gave me one, because I wanted to give it to the man sitting outside in a wheelchair selling bright neon coloured pencils in a cup. I was really happy with myself for doing that since I thought that maybe he could go home if he sold them all. It reminded me a little of the story of the little match girl if you've ever had it read to you... I am not sure why it was a child's story since it's the saddest fucking thing on earth but anyways. I fell asleep finally, remembering that day and the fact that as soon as I got back into the car after my good deed I was incredibly heartbroken over it. No, not because he was in a wheelchair.. I was a child, I could have convinced myself he was making extra money to pay for a groundbreaking surgery so he could walk again if I really wanted to.

You know the moment people talk about when they realize their parents don't know everything/Dad isn't the strongest person ever/neither of them will live forever? That moment was it for me; seeing a grown up man, as pleasant and happy he was, and all he could think of to sell were pencils because he really needed money. Grown ups were not supposed to do that and I was pretty sure that's not the kind of thing he wanted to be doing, either. I don't think I ever did use the pencil I bought. Hmm. I swear the brain is just a bunch of electrical impulses playing russian roulette up there.

Friday Potato Triptych

excuse me what is this?

ohh I get it..

ha ha sweet potatoes, you're funny!

Ohhh, a skiddo!

If you aren't privileged to deal with children everyday and ever wanted to know what it's like, I'll sum it up for you in picture form.


Sometimes it's like this..

And sometimes it's like this..

[source]

And if it ever becomes both at any point there's always a little gem to make it back to pink lemonade and cupcake time, like this one:

"It's a horny dinosaur!"
- a horned dinosaur, yes

"Can I make a skiddo?"
- what's a skiddo?
"A space man"

Karen! Karen!

I don't love funny or die usually but I could not have enjoyed this clip more.  Jewel undercover as Karen the shy frozen food executive at a karaoke bar!

Undercover Karaoke with Jewel from Jewel

Sighting

Over the weekend we walked past a  falcon juvenile Coopers or Sharpe-shinned Hawk in our neighborhood and obviously took a picture as it was just sitting there, sizing us up I suppose.  There was another in the tree above it with some feathers sticking out of it's mouth and the owner of the house excitedly proclaiming with his facial expressions from his porch, "Holy crap guys it's a falcon hawk in my yard!" I swear that's exactly what he said, facially.

Sean even saw one (probably the same one) scatter a bunch of small birds in our backyard and thinks he made off with one.  Badass? Yes.  Can't believe I missed it!

Pretty cool as they're endangered in Canada so you don't really see them.. at all.  There is actually a hatching sanctuary/observatory on top of a mall in downtown Hamilton where some birds decided to hang around and there's a whole live webcam setup and everything every year; people get pretty excited about it which I always thought was neat.  I currently live in a very rural area but Hamilton isn't sononomous with "wildlife", you know, so I like their attitude of 'I am going to fly wherever the hell I feel like... so suck it.'

I have had an unprecedented day and felt it was my duty to make note of that.. somewhere.  I'm all out of napkins to write on so I'll share with you that I took my grandmother to the LAST restaurant I was ever going to take her to in my life and she liked the food.  In fact, she not only liked the food she actually sent COMPLIMENTS TO THE CHEF!  We stayed for cappuccino and espressos after the meal which never happens either.  I've finally figured out she only wants to eat food exactly like she makes but better.  Problem solved!

I also made 2 dozen blackbottom cupcakes for a stag and doe and didn't even eat any batter

If my calculations are correct..

The hospital I was born at just renamed itself.  Should I be worried about the possibility that I no longer exist? What did michael j fox do? Do I need to make sure I get my parents to the dance? 

Are they aware I have a baby t-shirt somewhere with the slogan "I was born at Henderson Hospital" ..seems like a total lie now, doesn't it?  Was that not even a consideration??  There were t-shirts made! 

I'm lost

I am not sure if it's just as entertaining to everyone as much as it is to me, but people really seem to love hearing about the batshit crazy stuff my grandmother does.  I wouldn't want to disappoint anybody, so I'll mention there was an incident last night just one day after the Red Lobster fiasco, where we had to take a nice long look at when we left because we can never return.  The reason?  Salt... and a cruel unwillingness to have the manager do ANYTHING to make you happy.  Buddy, you and everyone else!.. it's just not happening. 

The problem yesterday was car insurance.  We looked up a cheaper company, a bank, that would cover them for about half what they were paying.  When the agent called to confirm all their information my grandmother took this, and their 1 800 number, to mean it was a scam and was a perfect storm of crazy explaining that on the phone with me.  Apparently, did I not know, nothing comes for free?  I could recount the whole conversation but you'd feel as lost as I do at the moment.  Who are these people?  Where am I?  Who said that?

Goodmorning & Goodnight

“I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.’” ~Kurt Vonnegut

[link: goodmorning & goodnight]

“It’s funny how one summer can change everything. It must be something about the heat and the smell of chlorine, fresh cut grass and honeysuckle, asphalt sizzling after late-day thunderstorms, the steam rising while everything drips around it. Something about long, lazy days and whirring air conditioners and bright plastic flip flops from the drugstore thwacking down the street. Something about fall being so close, another year, another Christmas, another beginning. So much in one summer, stirring up like the storms that crest at the end of each day, blowing out all the heat and dirt to leave everything gasping and cool. Everyone can reach back to one summer and lay a finger to it, finding that exact point when everything changed.” ~Sarah Dessen

Midnight rickshaw going anywhere

Well I am currently doing a favour for my Dad so he can do a favour for someone else today. It's a favour factory! and unfortunately it's hijacked my Friday. This favour I'm involved in is being present and answering phones at my parents business while my Dad is not here. It's a nice little throwback to what I did when I used to live at home.. complete with boredom and having no clue when anyone is returning.

I'll use some of this time then to mention we had a pretty epic night for my buddy Wes' birthday festivities Wednesday. I am still not 100% yet which is slightly hampering my will to live/not be asleep but I'd do it again ..without the shots. Totally unecessary. Our night didn't even start till 11:30 because we were drinking and watching Puerto Rican baseball (the Los Marlins are looking really good this year) or snippets of toilet births in I Didn't Know I Was Pregant. Not sure what the learning channel is teaching these days but that is conversation for another day. My glass was slightly huge and it was a serious mistake not to just stick with beer the whole time.

don't worry it's just a Christmas Tree ice cube

So we head to the cab after throwing our take-alongs into the bushes.. clearly this should have said there was no need to leave the appartment but this one guy unfortunately mentioned he has never seen Hamilton at night so we felt oblidged to turn this into a tour and go for "a beer". The tour group consisted of Wes, the birthday guy playing the part of a G20 protester yelling "God Bless America" at everyone and trying to throw himself through glass storefronts. A guy we will call Lou, who's never been to Hamilton, and is running for some sort of office soon as well as teaches in a Catholic high school. We have a really fun discussion at the third pub about religion and I was so drunk I sucessfully seemed totally interested. A guy we will call Rudy, who is leaving with his wife next month for a two year teaching job in Taiwan, needing a smoke break chat every 8 minutes. Wes' younger brother who has a really racist nickname so he's just Ryan, who frequents Japanese Kareoke bars and looks and sounds exactly like Wes which I just find entertaining. And myself.. we all know me in this situation so let's get on with it. Get to the pub downtown and have a pitcher, walk down to the next pub, and then another. We spot an abanoned bike with a trailer attatched so Wes gets on and we try to convince two skanks to get in it and he'll rickshaw them around. It'll be, like, the best myspace profile pic everrrrr!!!!11!!

I think they would have really done it if he seemed at all like he could even ride the bike. Or I could even take a picture at this point.

So in the end, after shots and a bunch of random bar song requests and Wes already puking once, we head to our final destination. The Japanese Kareoke bar. They just put you in a room with like 20 cold beers, a song book and two microphones. I'm pretty sure there were shrimp chips, too.. oh and Don't Stop Believing. That was hands down one of the best times ever.. the guy actually had to make us leave when it was closing and physically take away all our drinks. When we got back to Wes' appartment we played a nice little game of whipping shit off the balcony into the empty park. It got a little out of hand when it was half full beers and an empty pizza box but it was fun nonetheless. Lou fell asleep somehow so the punnishment for that was, I decided it, giving him some sparkly lipgloss. We all thought it'd be super fun for him to explain that one to his wife, who is apparently a good sport since she asked Lou to hit on Wes at some point in the night... and he did. See, it all ends well.

Except for the fact that the next morning Wes drove me home and we both puked in my bathroom. So I will never be doing that again! except maybe if Wes gets married. I only hope it's long enough away where I totally forget the end of this story. However, these are what stories are for, folks. Hope you enjoyed it.

Piano

I had a dream last night that involved me being on stage at an Erika Badu concert, sitting at a piano in front of her as she was performing with my laptop and taking a picture behind me of the huge crowd with my photobooth.  Not sure if I was playing the piano or just sitting at it by the way.  Someone in the crowd close to the front went on about how they thought it was so stupid I was taking a picture of myself, so I turned around to show them, and they acted like they were super surprised I could hear them.  I think we were in Vancouver maybe because there were huge ski mountains in the background of my picture.  Afterward I saw my Dad and told him about it and he was upset he wasn't there since he is a HUGE Erika Badu fan (not really).  Then I took my cousins back to the chalet I was staying at because I had an outdoor hot tub .. it was pretty fun but the bummer was I realized I had two fake legs and they fell in.

And this is the only dream I can remember for a month or so, so I take this as a good sign.  Guess I really am starting to feel better!

Well this is.. something

We were watching the movie Brooklyn's Finest the other night and even though everyone was super sleepy (note: so not the movie to watch when you're tired) there were a few scenes that are pretty attention grabbing. One of those, for me, was the scene where Wesley Snipes' character is overseeing the beating of this guy who everyone thinks is a snitch or whatever; these two guys who are beating him dangled him over the side of the building screaming, yanno, to get "info". It wasn't like there was a field of knives and zombies waiting for him below but it was a lot more frightening than it should have been because I had just remembered I have actually been in that situation before. I wish it was because I was in some kind of gun running gang of thugs, as badass as that would be for my street cred*, but unfortunately I was just a kid at the time and I have no idea what the reason was. My mom and step-dad were very young while raising me so this is the kind of stuff they got creative with as far as punishment went. It's funny how you kind of completely forget about stuff like that and then you're all.. oh yeah... I totally was dangled from a 6th floor balcony once. Or maybe that's me. I mean that's probably the case but not really part of my point.

There is a logical direction in which things seem like they should affect you, but surprisingly I am not afraid of heights whatsoever (I love roller coasters) nor am I harboring some fear of people being on a balcony with me. I should also mention I don't hate my parents! haha that's maybe a major one. But I realize sometimes those things don't take the direct route you think they would.

That thought leads me to confessing I have had a really heavy heart lately.

The exact reason, I guess being the moment I got very sad, was when my best friend told me she is moving to Savannah, Georgia a year from now. She is getting married and starting a life there and that means I will be traveling there which is just all new things for me to process at the moment, even though I am on board. She's my best friend so there isn't a whole lot I wouldn't be on board with that she wants in her life. I've already had one of my best friends move across the country and I was the one who supported her and told her she should go for it when she was doubtful about herself, but I did not know she'd never be coming back when I said that. Live life, yanno? I ask myself how can that be bad. I'm not attempting to be passive-aggressive about it since I know she or both of them may read this; I am sad for me but very happy for her.. it means she met someone wonderful which in my opinion she deserves more than anything. Heavy hearts are single-minded though, as much as we remind them not to be. I would not want anyone to change their plans. To reference my favourite John Mayer song.. I don't want to stop the train exactly, I just want to get off and go home. The thing I want to really stop, is myself.

This heaviness isn't even entirely built upon her impending departure, or any single event, but more the trends in my friendships have come up when I was recently reminiscing with someone about them. Put all together at once like that, as light-hearted as it was intended, has made me acknowledge a few things about myself when this came up that I assumed were resolved. There was no traumatic situation in my life where someone had abandoned me, I mean really, my parents didn't die in a horrible car accident leaving me to be raised in an Oliver Twist orphanage where I only owned various depressing shades of grey clothing and sang sad songs. Yet the result was about the same as if that had happened.

Anytime a relationship ended in my life I was nearly always the person who ended it, and if not I acted poorly .. like a child without rules, begging for them.. to cause it to end (because of course it would have eventually so why not control when someone leaves you?) and the feeling was no different than if it were me who was left instead in both cases. A friend passed away and I could only feel anger for a long time, as if they also left me.. as if they had a choice, if not purposely to get away from me but that I was at least guilty of wasting their short time living by even being bothered with me. Maybe even if I had been a better person they wouldn't have died.. yes, I really thought this. Then of course I'd feel guilty for even thinking such clearly insane stuff. You can see why I feel like maybe there should be some kind of event direct enough to explain, like being dangled from a building, things that I felt were resolved until now.. and at this point in my life I can admit belong to me even though they don't sound like me. I tend to have extremely long friendships as well.. and while it makes total sense why some have ended, having physically or emotionally 'moved away' .. not everything you feel makes sense all the time. I find that fact of life just fantastic by the way! but the darker moments are meant to teach us something, everything moves in cycles, so I look forward to a happy moment coming up soon to appreciate.

This is just one of those times and I thought sharing could begin to make me feel better. I've also been a lot more physically active on my own as opposed to usually preferring to work out with someone else and I find I'm starting to need it - enjoying the 'now' - it's a habit I wouldn't mind if I kept.





*I have absolutely no street cred and never will

There has been a few instances lately that have caused me to think a little bit about friendships in my life.  While the specific mentions of them were all very much light hearted and in fun, I do find thinking of it all at once like that has made my heart a bit too heavy for me to manage at the moment.   Like leaving all the windows in the house open on a hot night, then it rained, and you notice the next day everything has a little damp feeling to it.  Kinda gross but not much you can do about it.


I have some extremely long friendships and I like that about my life.  I mean I've actually laughed at the scene in I Love You Man when he's leaving a message on an answering machine because that's exactly what happens to me.  It's insane, ok, I turn into an insane person.  Luckily everyone I know finds that perfectly acceptable of me so it's not really a problem.

I have had friends who are no longer my friends, and it's always made sense when we were no longer friends anymore.  Or whittled down the bulk of the friendship to best wishes and keep in touch's.  I've had one of my best friends pick up and move across the country, and it's made sense why she's not coming back.  Her experience led her to a really great guy for her and I wouldn't change it just to have her close by.  I've on the other hand had a very good friend of mine who is no longer my friend because she's gone, I would change that but I accept why I can't and therefore it makes sense.  Now another one of my best friends has come home from another country and is planning on moving there within a years time.  I couldn't possibly be too upset about that since she's very happy and my point is all of these situations aren't really about me.  I've learned that by the simple fact many of my friendships have been extremely long ones.  It's benefited me quite a lot by that but nonetheless this seems like a point where as much as it all makes sense, I'm quite sad.  By all of it.

How to be Nice

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much." Veronica A. Shoffstall

I'm in the process of fixing up all my grandparents pictures of their trip to Italy and ordering a picture book for my grandmother's birthday next Sunday.  I thought that would be a nice gift.  Then again, I thought it would be nice to clean and deliver my grandparent's van to their house when they got back and learned that only meant I did not want to see them.  Of course.. I don't know what else it could have possibly meant.  The only bright spot in being accused of being an inconsiderate asshole all the time is my grandmother has the most hilarious "Dr. Phil-isms" she uses for stuff like that.  Like when she called and my phone was on vibrate so I didn't hear it she told me something is cookin'  .. what does that even mean?  you ask.  I have no idea either, but isn't it cute that she thinks that made sense?!

Here is where I would tell you I missed that if I actually did.

So glad I get to end off this busy week with spending time with 3 of my cousins for the day by the pool and some of Maria's comically gigantic wine glasses.  Little preview to the cottage is sooo exactly what I need :)

Summer is Official

Update:
There are two requirements that I have to declaring it officially summer which have nothing to do with the calendar date which told me it was summer yesterday.

1. when Wes announces his birthday plans and
   
2. when the attention whores on facebook change their profile pics them in a bikini and wait around for everyone to comment on it.
   
   It's been an HOUR! would somebody please tell me I'm pretty?

Wes

i'll holla with bday plans when i know whats up

will be a shit show nonetheless

Ann

can't wait :)

Wes

no hookers though this year

Ann

i'll make you a fries sandwich birthday cake

oh really why?

Wes

jesus

thats wicked

the aids epidemic of 09

Ann

that's pretty responsible

im sure we'll have a good time without them!

Wes

haha i hope!

If you're a resident and/or commuter to Toronto this week is obviously going to be super interesting due to the G20 Summit. The hype at this point has made my predictions twofold: by weeks end either Toronto will be a literal smoking hole in the ground OR most extremist protest groups will up their game by turning themselves into zombies. Zombie warfare just can't be ignored! Think about that. Or, you know, nothing will happen and we'll be stuck with a stupid looking steel shrine to the Berlin wall all over the city.

Answer from yesterday: the German

Blue Green Red Yellow White

Einstein’s Intelligence Quiz


Einstein wrote this quiz last century. He said that 98% of the people in the world cannot solve the quiz.

There are 5 houses in 5 different colors. In each house lives a person with a different nationality. These 5 owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar, and keep a certain pet. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar or drink the same drink.
Here’s the question: Who owns the fish?

1. The Brit lives in a red house
2. The Swede keeps dogs as pets
3. The Dane drinks tea
4. The green house is on the left of the white house
5. The green house owner drinks coffee
6. The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds
7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill
8. The man living in the house right in the middle drinks milk
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house
10. The man who smokes Blend lives next door to the one who keeps cats.
11. The man who keeps horses lives next door to the man who smokes Dunhill
12. The owner who smokes Blue Master drinks beer
13. The German smokes Prince
14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house
15. The man who smokes Blend has a neighbor who drinks water

With these 15 clues the problem is solvable.



And here's a random picture of the Beer Baron while I was driving. It made me laugh.

Video

I have been trying to get a video of Gabe rolling ever since he started weeks ago but usually he is tired by the time I get my phone out or it's night time.. or both! I ended up recording this today since my friend Andrea had mentioned she wished she could see him but flights were really expensive right now. So here he is! Tired, but rolling awesome now :)

Couldn't help myself

I interrupt your dinner with.. SURPRISED KITTY

weekend pictures

So Friday was great and yes we spent 2 hours at the spa and yes I wanted a nap when we were finished (and yes.. I'll admit the massage was so good I almost didn't care at all where the masseuse's hands were which were dangerously close to making sure if my boobs were real or not.  I was that care-free).

After that we had tea and desserts in their big spa pool area with all these pillows everywhere.  I think that was my favourite part of the weekend until we got to our room where there were tonnes of strawberries covered in chocolate and chilled champagne waiting for us.  Then the lines started getting blurry of what was my favourite part exactly.  Dinner was fantastic, my shoes hated me, and then we went to a little movie theater. 

in case we wanted to literally stay forever

balcony i'm not sure i should have had champagne on

Hipsta-dinner

The next day was fun too but the rain and our bags made us grab an earlier train back home after dinner.  We drank a bunch of long island iced tea, bikini-tini's and gin and lemonade.. and I almost threw up for the first time in quite some time.  Mixing drinks is awful and I felt like I should have known that?  Ann the Tank is crying right now, wherever she is. 

I finished my book on Sunday which I was excited about having not done so in nearly a year.   While it wasn't the ending I was hoping for, I still liked the book a lot.  Alice's struggle with memory is so incredible.. I won't ruin anything (though you'd imagine I'd love to) but if anyone has read it please let me know your take on the ending.  Were you also a little distraught about it or do you think maybe that was the point of the book?   I was also a little annoyed at the undertones of elitism in the book, as if somehow the fact she was a really really smart person made it more tragic?  That's a simplified explanation and I don't know if that was intentional so if anyone else also noticed that just hit the comment button. 

Freshwater

My weekend was awesome.  Not that we're in a competition here but if we were I am sure nomatter what you did I wouldn't trade you.  I mean, my Friday started with champagne in a bathrobe because I was so oily from my 2 hour massage and facial.  But I can always go into the weekend another time, it's only Monday.  No, today I'm posting a great idea for a Father's Day gift if you have a rather generous Dad.

Donate $20 his name to Charity Water: giving one person clean water for 20 years.  They give you a neat e-card and everything.  And with this charity you can be assured 100% of your money goes to their freshwater projects which you can check out a breakdown of the money soon on the site.  I know my Dad would like the idea (along with some dinner of course) so I encourage all of you to consider donating for your next occasion!

I'm easy come easy go

You know that feeling when you have a huge tumbler of coffee and you're taking your first sip in the morning (or afternoon) that you really need but you are doing so slowly to avoid burning yourself?  And then after your best efforts considering how bad you want coffee of carefully trying to take a sip, too much coffee comes out anyway and burns your top lip?

That is what Wednesdays mean to me.

I hope you're all having a fabulous day though.. and in case anyone was curious due to one of my Glee posts.. no I was not moved to tears at the finale.  I didn't find it to be a good episode whatsoever so I'm really hoping next year they can do a little better/less cheesy.  The only highlight I'd say was the Bohemian Rhapsody was pretty cool, minus the "live birth" mashup.  I think what I liked the most about the whole thing ended up being .. well Sue Silvester of course.. and a few of the guest stars.  I'm not Glee bashing just thought I'd add my 2 cents to what was probably the worst finale ever.  I can't believe I traded Sean 2 episodes of Curb your Enthusiasm for it.  Not cool!

On top of it all my newest annoyance is how I can't read any gossip blog for more than 20 seconds without running into something about the super freckled Lindsay Lohan and her "problems".  Oh dear, did you drive around like a maniac with cocaine in your pocket, crashed the car and aren't in jail?  Then you didn't bother to go to alcohol CLASSES to stay out of jail because there was a sale on somewhere and you still aren't in jail?  Then you drank anyway while wearing an alcohol monitoring system and the world is out to get you.. but aren't in jail yet?  Whatever you say!!  As someone who has actually been inside a jail, I think you're a piece of shit that I'd like to see in jail for a really long time.. if just so I can stop reading about your hard life.   You belong there.  I have no idea why she was even famous to begin with, I didn't even watch Mean Girls!! 

2 more days till vacation weekend and Lindsay Lohan, you are not invited!  Internet in the hotel, be damned. 

Postcard

I got a postcard in the mail today from my Grandma. Before I go into that I'd like to point out that I am absolutely astonished at the postal system for their ability to even deliver this to my house. I am not going to make light of the fact my grandparents a little undereducated (even though they can't work a cell phone, dvd player or debit card) I fully understand it was a different time and schooling was optional AND I love that my Grandma tried her best to send me something - but I am giving some serious props to the post office for delivering something that

1. our last name, our city and our street are all misspelled
2. has NO postal code on it at all
3. the house number is about 200 houses off
4. added 'avenue' to the address for some reason, just to confuse them further?

It's a fucking miracle, because all she got right was CANADA and one first name.

Valdango - City Center

That said.. this morning the postcard made me really miss the summer I spent there. Valdagno is the city where my family is from, it's a nice little valley and it's fairly close to other very popular cities. When I was there I got a few postcards from friends back home I'd make sure to save and read while tanning at the pool and it was basically like gold to me.. so it just reminds me there were a hundred little things like that, private moments for myself. To be fair though, at 16 every moment is a private moment you're living in some fantasy land; all I spent my time doing was reading, listening to songs on repeat, daydreaming and journal keeping. When you think about it I basically lived on the moon; add a bunch of people who don't speak English, historic cities/buildings and crazy foods and it's a perfect storm of best summer ever. It didn't help that when I was there people would do the strangest stuff for me like heat up my milk for my coco krispies every morning or buy me tiny bottles of Coke, too. The moon, I tell you!

Maybe I miss the few private moments to myself since those are pretty rare.. so I'm glad to be going away next weekend. Not to the moon or anything but, figuratively speaking, maybe like Salt Lake City? Haha. Hey, they have a really cool breakfast diner there I want to eat at someday. Just saying!

Breaks easily

Well it only took 10 days from departure to now for my Grandmother to call me to frantically ask if everything was alright. Not just, oh hey, missed you guys, and by the way is everything over there ok? but the reason I am calling is to make sure someone hasn't died horribly in the last 10 days... going from immediate family members and branching out to what I can only assume is the paper delivery boy and all of his friends. I assured her everyone is completely the same as when she left and then she immediately needed me to call and make sure her house was still standing, because that had to be it! Or the car next, is the car working? Of course the real problem with her being so anxiety ridden is that logic dictates that what she is assuming is that if something had gone terribly wrong I wouldn't tell her if she asked me, and get her to play a guessing game until I finally admit whatever it is. You got me! This is actually a clever recording, I'm dead. It bums me out that she is in another country and doesn't seem to be enjoying her vacation all that much.

Homer: Now, here's my everything's okay alarm!
(Alarm beeps loudly)
Homer: (Shouting) This will sound--
(Alarm beeps loudly)
Homer: --every three seconds--
(Alarm beeps loudly)
Homer: --unless something isn't okay!
(Alarm beeps loudly)
Marge: (Shouting) Turn that off, Homer!
(Alarm beeps loudly)
Homer: (Shouting) It can't be turned off!
(Alarm beeps loudly, then weakly and dies.)
Homer: But it, uh, does break easily.

By the way I killed a horrible evil Jumping Spider in the house yesterday - we won't even talk about the umbrella I broke while doing so. Carelessly. Instead I'll just tell you in the end I was so terrified of this thing I actually let it live in the bathroom a full week before it made its way to the door frame of the baby's room (I had strategically closed all the doors so this wouldn't happen but that door is a little stuck) and decided I needed to vanquish it and reclaim my life/make sure the spider doesn't bite the baby and kill him. And pee in peace again. I am arachnophobic, and if you aren't let me explain the fear of this spider was two-fold.

1. It was black, fuzzy and looked fairly meaty. That means squishing it with a kleenex is OUT of the question. I don't possess the gumption or timing to do this effectively. In short.. the crunch/possible wriggling to escape and making it angry is so horrifying it would give me the heebee jeebees. Like running over a squirrel with your car.
2. It looked as if it knew I was afraid and actually wanted to take me on. Sure, a spider 1/1 millionth my size lunging at me 300 style seems hilariously non-threatening but I honestly stood there with my backup plan - a shoe, ready to bat it out of the air. It was self-aware, I swear it was.

Ugh.. spiders, is there anything they do right??

Trending Today

Well my weekend was great! Did some swimming, had lunch at the restaurant, scored some free Adirondack chairs that just needed some paint, sat out on the patio with my new lantern and drinks with Brooke, saw the stars, read more of my book etc. All good things.

I also have a pretty crazy burn but thanks to the lotion I rely on every year to get me out of situations like these, I'm doing fine and it's looking pretty tan today. They better still make it because I have to finally buy another for the cottage. Also to be noted, Sean and I had some kind of competition to see if we could look like we just got back from Costa Rica. He had a head start on me from last weekend but wanted to kill his farmers tan and then embroiled himself in a competition with me and my Italian blood for the rights to TANNEST in the house. That means I ended up burned and he ended up with fucking heat stroke. It's not even the first time! In any case I think we accomplished the goal of looking like the average idiot couple who traveled to Costa Rica with Pam cooking spray instead of sun screen and spent too long drinking at the swim up bar. Think of all the money we saved!



So I had this idea today while I was out at playgroup with a bunch of "moms" and we were in our various "momversations" .. I thought, you know, there should be a kind of moms only trending topics like on twitter. I am pretty sure moms everywhere have our same conversations so if you'll allow me I'll give you my very own Monday Mo'nin Mom trending topics.

What's happening right now:

#hairstyles
#recipes
#localsplashpadopeningdates
#NICEkidfriendlyrestaurants
#storesthathaveclosedthatwemiss

I put hairstyles at number one because one lady, who is always really put together, actually complimented my total 'bedhead in a hair clip' that was going on this morning and asked me how I did it. Seriously!! For a minute I thought my sarcasm detector was broken but then I realized she really meant that. If the just woke up hair is IN now I am so going to look awesome everyday. Please let that happen!

I vote badger cat

You guys..  I saw a groundhog today.  In my backyard.  Note that due to my window wall that is ground level it literally looked like the groundhog and I were having tea. 

I have never seen a groundhog before.. probably due to them all being picky about when they come out of various places and pissing off Bill Murray (or so Groundhog Day has led me to believe) but you guys.. they are HUGE!!  At first I had no idea what I was looking at.  The worlds largest gopher ever?  A beaver, without a tail?  A badger that had mutated into not looking like a badger at all other than being fucking huge?  I had no idea. 

Snow White did not have Groundhogs

Surprisingly large, you guys.. keep in mind the only things I ever see at my window are birds, chipmunks, squirrels and curious cats. My kitchen is like Snow White's singing, people.


On the bright side, living in a fishbowl of 'nature' is pretty nice for things like hanging in the backyard on the weekend drinking milkshakes or pink lemonade.  I even started my book.  Can't wait to continue it this weekend.. maybe with some BBQ.  Have fun everyone!

I won't tell you that I love you kiss or hug you

UMMM this Poker Face duet with Idina Menzel is the best thing to ever come out of Glee.. I knew I was watching for a reason, this was it!! I love it I love it I love it! I endured that horrible Madonna and paraplegic duet for this, ok?.. worth it.

I second this!

Dear LOST..

UPDATE: My friend Kim sent me this link that addresses some of the explanations. Only fair!  Though it raises a few more and solidifies that storytellers really shouldn't include time-travel and alternate time-lines and universes if they aren't going to "go into it".  Just sayin' .. I am the kid working the clown-com at Krusty Burger who needs closure on that anecdote.

Cupcakes give me hope

UPDATE:  23 Awesome Food Ideas For Your LOST Finale Party (link)

It's like someone read my mind.  5 of those just made my party food list, and my life

1. We were brought here for a reason(able amount of wine)
2. "Die, Kate, You're Useless" Porcini Mushrooms
3. Don't tell me what I can't fondue

 If we're still hungry? 
4. Shannon and Boone Totally Did Eachother: The Sandwich
5. She Probably Blew Him, Too: The Bag of Chips

..........................................................

Anyone want me to throw a Lost party on Sunday just to make Pink Lemonade Cupcakes?  I happen to enjoy more creamy, chocolate cupcakes.. but I have some thoughts on that too.  Throw in some enchiladas and coconut rum and I think we could have a fantastic finale.


That reminds me.. I stumbled upon this website based on FMyLife called LGMH (Love Gives Me Hope) and as I'm reading all I could think was "what the fuck is this shit? that's insane!  there is no way that ever happened."  It says it's an FML for optimists but what I think they mean is dirty little liars.  Ok so your best friend was on their way to bring you soup and died in a car crash, but they found flowers asking you to marry them.  REALLY?  That gives you hope??  Wow if a love like that existed and then was sucked out of my life before I ever got to experience it, I would have tonnes of hope!  Especially since I was literally the reason they were killed.  I don't think I'm a pessimist here when I say that entire site can suck my .. lemonade cupcakes.

The Dog and the Diaper

Today was the hottest day ever.  I prepared myself and the kiddos for heat, sure, but not 35 degree sunshine!  Needless to say at the end of a very long day everyone was cranky, and I still had dinner with my grandparents to go to on the eve of their trip to Italy tomorrow. 

It is a much needed break is all I'll say and I am sure, somehow, I will be glad when they return after a month.  If you ask my grandmother though she is fairly certain they will die in a firey plane crash and/or suffer simultaneous heart attacks before they return home; thus being their LAST TRIP EVER.  I am not sure why there has to be a negative connotation to it but I can't make a habit of trying to understand these things.   If you knew her this would be much funnier... if you don't then it's slightly depressing.

ONWARD.. or rather backward to my original train of thought.. it was a really stinking hot day.  So there we are at the park, me rubbing sweat out of my eyes on a picnic blanket full of treats and hydrating liquids.  Our park is not a dog park but many people take their pups here and unleash them, not exactly the law but whatever, people do it, and this one soaking wet golden retriever comes running out of the trails and sniffing a diaper.  Not just any diaper but a poo diaper.. which has been fermenting for a while in the heat since the wearer did not want her mother to change her.  So the diaper is sitting there by us where she's being changed when I see this dog come and ..yep.. try to eat it.  I freak out to try and stop the dog in the only dog language I know; loud clapping.  It stops but the owner I see coming after the dog looks a little distressed that I did that.  So the owner, who I will call Mr. DoesNothing, comes closer to us and tries to tell us the dog is very friendly and won't bite and encourages the kids to pet him.  I am not sure what to do in this situation so I just mention that the dog was about to eat a diaper, and Mr. DoesNothing just shrugs as if to say.. that's life.  Well OK then!  The diaper gets wrapped up after a few more tries from the dog to eat it and instead of Mr. DoesNothing actually leashing his dog back up or luring it away from a shitty diaper, he lives up to his name and does nothing.  You see where this is going don't you?  This dog grabbed the most foul smelling poo diaper and RAN AWAY with it.. off into the field where it laid waste to it, thrashing it around like a scene from Jaws.  The only adults in this situation, me, my friend and Mr. DoesNothing are watching this.. me about to puke, my friend completely shocked and Mr. DoesNothing as casual as ever.  He calls for the dog a bunch but clearly he's having way too much fun.  Just the kind of dog I want the kids to pet, by the way.. a dog with a listening problem.

Is that the end?  NO.  The dog runs back for more, and Mr. DoesNothing eventually leashes him after 1. staring at us creepily 2. watching the dog almost steal 2 blankets and 3. shook all the (what I hope was just water) off on us

Ugh.  This event has filled my 'disgusting' quotient for the rest of my life.

Technically, Mr. Cynical can't be happy. It's his power and his curse.

Holy shiz, guys.  My world is imploding.  The last Lost episode before the 2 1/2 hour finale is on tonight.  I can't even deal with it!

Note: This doesn't mean I want the show to continue because I don't.  It needs to end. 
I just have a hard time letting go OKAY?

That reminds me.. if you haven't seen an episode of Better off Ted then you really should.  Portia De Rossi is hilarious in it.  It's like a teeny tiny reminder of how awesome Arrested Development was, which was a lot.  I don't know what possessed me to start watching it but it's really funny.  Sure this entire post is about stuff to watch on TV, and therefore second-hand entertaining, but I thought I'd add a little bright spot to the IMMINENT DEATH COUNT of one of my favourite shows.

"there's really no middle ground with you. either you don't care at all or you care a hundred and crazy percent"

Fox wood

Well, I don't know about everyone else but I've had a very expensive weekend! It's not normally in me to do that so it should be noted, along with the fact it was also very fun... and it was seriously needed. Friday I went out to dinner with my cousins which always brightens my spirits. We need to do that more. Greatest laugh of the night for me was a split between making fun of a certain family member on facebook and their tween-angst dramatica status updates - and Maria mistaking the word faux (as in the faux wood blinds we were discussing) to be pronounced fox. Fox wood blinds. Then we laughed at the fact she's been saying that to people for years!


Anyhow that wasn't the expensive part of the weekend.. Saturday afternoon my new friend Kim and I did some serious kid-less and recklessly fun shopping. It was a good "bad influence" on me. When you start off in the Coach store and the wallet you want is $200... everything else seems pretty reasonable in pricing. My favourite phrase of the day was "that's not that bad..."

So I ended up buying a MAC eyeshadow, about $255 in Lululemon (finally got groove pants!) and a sweet Bench "father's day" sweater for Sean that he thinks is way too expensive to keep. Better than MY buying the sweet Bench sweater I wanted because there's no way in hell I'd ever return it. I already bought the crazy awesome run:energy pullover from Lulu so I couldn't resolve that one in my mind, thus why Sean and I shopping together keeps us in the green, we have the same reluctant to purchase sickness. Still thinking about that one.... I call her, Purple Princess. Also need to do that more but maybe stick to like 4 times a year.

Then yesterday instead of spending it at the Museum with the dinosaurs, we figure they'd still be there on a day that wasn't so nice out. So we bought a patio set! I think the May 2-4 long weekend needs to involve a BBQ. It's also good to know the only way we could spend more money next weekend than this one is if we BBQ some endangered species meat. And seriously, where would you even find Panda steaks at this time of year?

Front row to the horror show

I had an epically strange dream last night so I thought I'd share. From time to time I have some bloodcurdling nightmares, this thankfully wasn't one of those. For most people though, what would be anyone's nightmare, it was as if Tim Burton literally directed my dream. Not just that it was exceptionally creepy and grimey but it was actually like a film. I've had one Time Burton-ish dream before but only from the aspect that it resembled the scene from Corpse Bride where she appears in the woods.

Creepyyyyy, yes. But even that was not really a nightmare for me, more like an 'information' dream where people try and tell you a lot of things you try and remember for when you wake up.

The one last night was more like Coraline, it was bright and dark, involved lots of characters and make-up. Very welcoming but harboring creepy undertones.

The plot line was tremendously long so I'll just gloss over most of it. At first I had a 'normal' dream, then a dream about waking up to that dream and telling Sean about it, then a dream about falling asleep after that and dreaming something else. But I never woke up the entire time. At least... I am pretty sure, it's so hard to tell with these things.

I was actually having a nice time. I was there with some childhood friends, in this big house, and I met with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. We all talked and had drinks outside, laughed, everything was lit up. I went to go running the next day, got in somewhat of an argument with someone, went home and showered. That person came to see me to talk while I was still in the bathroom getting ready, putting on some shiny green eyeshadow.. my hair was blonde again.. long.

Then it all got very dark.

Someone came there to kill me, and they had a good reason to be mad. I had done something to them and they wanted revenge. They brought either zombies or vampires. I knew I didn't have a chance and all my friends who warned me to get out, as soon as I left, were all burned alive and became undead. I ran and ran outside in the dark, knowing they'd find me.. I hid behind a bush just waiting for them. I wondered, as they found me, that I would give up if my friend wanted me to so I could be undead with them. Then I woke up.

I was not afraid, or upset when I woke up, but it's memorable based on the imagery being so unique and interesting. Doesn't that always happen in life, too? We forget the details almost immediately, but the images that interest us never go very far.

Sparkle Babies

AHello.  I hope all your mothers had a great day of you remembering you love them.  Here's a tip, call your mother AGAIN today, the day after Mother's Day.  Just to say hi and I love you.  She'll be super surprised.


I had a fun Mothers Night (aka date night) watching Iron Man 2.. eating way too much popcorn and spoiling our meal later.  We did a little walking in the blistering wind to get some coffee and a cupcake at Indigo.  I plan on replicating that cupcake later and reading the book I bought there, Still Alice.  While buying a book about Alzheimer's for Mother's Day might be an odd choice to some, I am personally enthusiastic to read it. And when I get really old and actually have Alzheimer's I can enjoy it again for the second time!  Oh hey, perhaps I can make my kids read it to me in the home, a la The Notebook and totally mess them up forever.

Kidding, obviously!  What's Mother's Day if you can't joke about getting Alzheimer's.


Actual Mothers Day, in case anyone was interested, I just made some Strawberry Vanilla pancakes and didn't do anything in particular but hang out around the house together.  The pancakes were good but I did get a complaint since the strawberry was actually cooked into it.. and the rest of the day were more or less a series of equally world ending events.  I'll just add this is due to the cold that has made someone in my house rightfully MISERABLE but I get to enjoy loving these boogers everyday so that's my real gift.  Plus the wine store was totally closed!  I bought chocolate :)


And, as I leave you, let me post a completely inappropriate video that I really really shouldn't have laughed at but totally did. Warning: involves talk of vagina and glitter.



Gets good at the 38sec mark.  Again.. I am so, so sorry about this.  What can I say, they had me at Yay-bia. 

Happy CINCO!

Hilarious in it's B-Movie trailer badness! Added bonus, Lupidis from Lost is in it.. Don Johnson and the tag line is "they just fucked with the wrong Mexican"

Love it.





Downside? Jessica Alba can't even pull off "deliberately bad" when it's supposed to be entertaining. Sad. What can she do?

Words to live with

Daisy Fuentes, this isn't about you

So, holy crap I haven't updated since Wednesday. That's kind of annoying. My day of exclaiming things I was going to do wasn't even a real update anyway. FYI.. I did in fact do basically all of them except for number one; giving Daisy Fuentes directions on where my foot is going to go if she keeps rudely telling me I can't do any poses right. In this situation the destination is in her eye. Nobody likes a foot to the eye so here's to Daisy coming to her senses and not being a total bitch.

This week I've been so busy I haven't even realized it. I've gone through every tiny piece of kids clothing either in washing it, drying it, folding it, sorting it into sizes too small or too big and bundling it up to donate. We've also been to the park about 3 days out of the week and I have a rather interesting burn on my face and chest. I can't let this sentence go on without mentioning something my grandmother said to me that really shouldn't bother me in the slightest but, of course, does. In the "where do you get off.." category of life: my packing only snacks for a 1 hour trip to our local park and NOT a big lunch spread (that I will have to haul back home since nobody will eat it, but, likely will forget in the buggy and then will need to throw away later when I find it). My failure to pack a giant picnic wherever I go made her utter the sentence to me that she guesses she still has to teach me how to live. To live. I know my grandmother isn't "a-so good" with use of the English language and how she implies lots and lots of things without meaning to but I didn't see how else I could interpret that statement. Teach me how to get ready for an hour at the park? Without going into specifics here of how any experience involving my grandmother I've ever had has been emotionally draining, confusingly random and angry, embarrassing, guilt ridden, outright childish and manipulative.. what I really want to say about telling me I have no idea about life because of a picnic is something like.. I dunno.. fuck off? Yes. Fuck off is what I felt like.

I think I do JUST FINE.

I actually swallowed rage on that one, which is new for me.. it felt kinda like clearing your throat plus a stroke. If she just stopped trying to convince everyone every mistake she makes isn't actually a mistake (like not mixing baby formula with the right ratio of water, or giving a kid with a peanut allergy pistachio ice cream is OK because it's not really peanuts is it?) and every mistake YOU make means you have serious mental problems - and and and EVERYTHING THAT EVER GOES WRONG is because someone is mad at her.. then we just might get along more.

Ugh, Daisy Fuentes.. it's not your fault.. I'm going through some stuff right now. I bought a new yoga mat, wanna see it?

Today, exclaimation mark

Today!


I will get out my yoga mat and give Daisy Fuentes the finger, via my Wii remote, and try Pilates again!
I will not forget to make dinner early!
I will stop being sadface about my stupid cold sore!
I will try the new shampoo&conditioner I bought!
I will fold laundry! That part isn't as exciting, I just have to do that today!
I will get ready for friends visiting tomorrow!
I will stop looking at this face so I can go do these things instead of jibbering and smooshing him!

Ugh the last one is so hard to do.

Still a win!

The past few days I've baked and cleaned my kitchen constantly.. and eaten the rewards.  Actually to be truthful I've shared 90% of my goods, which is a good percentage ratio if I want to lose a few pounds anytime soon.  So last night was wine and chocolate chip cookies night.  Sounds great if you ignore that my cookies weren't quite as soft as they should have been, and one of the bottles of wine tasted like vinegar and blistex (possibly because we were talking about blistex). Still drank it of course.

I'm sure drunk baking makes Martha Stewart sad, so, let's just say I'm left with a bunch of blah cookies and a need to try the recipe again with sour cream this time.

I said one glass of wine

Um anyway.. since I am tired and the only amazing insight I can give into today will be after I watch Lost tonight.. I'll just share my new discovery of MyPlate from the Livestrong website, which I really like and we'll call it a day.  I'm wondering if I input wine + chocolate ONE MORE TIME if someone will pop on the screen and just ask me if I'm at all serious about getting into shape again.  And I'll likely reply "I thought so too but.. here we are.."

Since I haven't done this in a while, I'd like to share how a night hanging out with Brooke leads to super random things when I go to my computer in the morning.  Sort of like my version of the "whats in your bag" game only funnier and with empty wine and cookie residue everywhere, as you can imagine.  Then I go to my laptop and I realize it has pictures of yellow bridesmaids dresses on my desktop, the ticket check out web page for a Russell Peters show in Windsor in July and my google search bar I had unsuccessfully tried to identify one of the Geography teachers from our old high school.  Since I'm a responsible adult that means at 1:30am I went upstairs, washed my face, flossed and brushed my teeth... carefully moisturized my upper body and fell into a coma for 6 hours. 

Baking bad cookies and drinking bad wine = somehow still a win!  I thought you all should know.