Straight narration is always "too much information"

"Little did she know that this simple seemingly innocuous act of purchasing two energy drinks, instead of one, would result in her imminent death."

Casually shopping through the soft drink cooler at the local convenience store, Ann-Marie noticed that aside from her usual favourite (FAVE) "Rockstar Juiced" that there was a new kind of energy drink in the lineup. The newer, scarier, bigger, better cousin of the unusually good (but tiny can of ) Beaver Buzz... aptly named "Big Buzz" i.e. ---> *

She thought to herself, noticing it was the same exact price, that she would just buy two for tonight and try it out. After all it's Sunday and she had to stay awake for an entire movie tonight, momentarily recalling the previous night where she fell asleep halfway through SNL. Later that night, she read the already empty can in her hand which specifically said not to ever have more than one of these a day. In an act of complete stupidity, she went to the fridge and got another while watching the movie Stranger than Fiction... which is why she is annoyingly narrating this blog. At this very moment. Right now. It's a fantastic movie by the way.

Eating pizza and ignoring the eyelid twitch that was developing in her right eye, Ann-Marie made an abrupt and disgusting revelation upon returning from the bathroom.

"I have diarrhea and I'm jacked" she said to Sean
"Ok" he replied, with a grin.

Always being the smellier of the two, especially after the hard-boiled egg incident that very morning, Sean felt pretty great about this irony. And for the rest of the night, after a definite declaration that this is the first time in Sean's life he's not wanted to have sex with Ann-Marie, they discussed in great depth the very necessary idea that if it existed what a porno based on this situation would be called... and decided it would most likely be "Butt Buzz" or "Anality 4: Guarana's Revenge"

The End.










* By the way, you may think that jacked up beaver is holding a stick ripped in half but I'm convinced it's actually an animation of my colon.

Lousy Smarch Weather

Here's some pics of the Bloody Party, no blood though. Up on Fotopic.net

^ this is the point, after reviewing the set, that I should have went to bed. Just FYI, if you ever see me and Antonella take a picture like this.


So now I pretty much have the flu; actually I've likely had it for a few days but now is when I'm feeling it. I'm not all that surprised since I've been taking care of my baby all week sick with the flu, plus this fucking weather is weird. So today I am attempting to 'take it easy' .. whatever that means. There's a really fine line between easy and bored, though.

To add to the awesomeness of being sick, I see that there is absolutely nothing even remotely interesting on tv everyday from 11:00am until whenever Ellen comes on. (You could lessen that time to 8:00am if you don't find paternity tests fascinating.) This is because:
1. Martha Stewart is the devil (and getting fatter, have you noticed?)
2. You couldn't pay me to watch those crazy bitches on The View
3. I refuse to watch Price is Right because I think it's wrong to witness and old man die in front of a national audience. It's got to be some form of being in hell to spend your last days on earth explaining Plinko and counting change that never equals more than a dollar.

I think I will see how Viva Pinata looks on the new TV, rather than Martha's fat ass cakes. This is the one moment in my life I've least wanted cake.

wuz ^ ?

I found this at FOUND Magazine, here. Which is a completely hilarious site full of trash. Just the way I like it ;)




I'm not sure if I should go out with you? Real smooth. Who knows how many times he wrote and erased that last sentence and that's the best one he came up with??? Haha. 10$ says he is gay, am I right ladies?

I bet that weekend they totally went to the movies and didn't hold hands, but thought about it a lot and their hands accidentally touched when she went to re-apply her tween SuperShine lipgloss and he puked all over her. FOR REALS. Narrating the rest of the story in my head is so much fun sometimes that I rather not even know the actual ending. Do you?

Check out FOUND Magazine and you can do it all day long!

Check yes or no if you like my website [yes] [no]

Your Homegrrl,
Ann

And the winner is...

In honor of the Oscars on tonight I'd like to give out one award, via internets:

Justin's Party last night wins for Bloodiest Party of the Year!
Where two people bled all over the place on two completely separate and disgusting occasions!


I'm so happy I can finally cross "watch guy who totally deserved it get hit in the face and blood pour out of his nose" off my life's to-do list. It was kind of at the bottom of the list though... so it's not that great or anything. Not like "actually punch some guy who totally deserves it in the face" which is pretty much in my top five.

And to anyone who watched the pre-show interview crap just now, I had no idea that an 8 foot tall gay man could stand out 80% more if he drapes himself in purple. Amazing.

No! No! She's chasing me!

I think Britney Spears is the monster that chases me in most of my nightmares. I'm pretty sure.

Literally if I saw her walking down the street I would run and never stop until someone asked me for my passport.






Where is this girl, from my secret and weird lesbian situation dreams? Did she ever really exist?

You've been waiting to break since you woke up this morning

"How dare you come in here! This is my masturbatorium!"

Running with Scissors is, by far, my favourite movie.... since I can remember having a favourite movie? Absolutely hilarious. In fact, the main characters mother reminded me so much of my own mother I couldn't tell if it was funny or not... but very entertaining!! Very. Rent it, would you. And thank me.

I also want that soundtrack terribly bad. More than a gay boyfriend or a dead cat.

You just have to see it to know what I'm talking about.

What time is it?

I realized that I actually just want this for my birthday. Medium. I would wear it constantly, and exclaim it to others anytime I'm asked what time it is. My life would finally be complete!


Instead of pics of my car burred in the death snow, which are locked away on my camera, I'll show you what my baby got me for valentines... because I'm apparently wonderful :)


No, not new boobs, it's a diamond Forever necklace and it's so pretty. I refuse to call it "bling" though because that's a word reserved for hookers and guys with metal in their mouths.




I got him some...



It's made with real bits of Panther.. so you know it's good.



Hopefully if we go to dinner tomorrow night we will wear both. If I don't update for a while you can assume I'm devastated because Sean was probably sexually assaulted by Panthers, and killed.

What a way to go though, right? Much cooler than getting hit in the face with a tire.

Lovestorm 2007 (level 8 kill factor)

I never thought I'd ever say this, but it looks like I'll be snowed in with my valentine tomorrow! Yay! Tonight I will try and brave the storm to stock up on the essentials. Wine.

Haha just kidding, what I meant was pizza and chocolate!

Has anyone noticed?

If Quagmire and the Java Man were one person, that person would be Howard K. Stern.


I couldn't help but notice with all this Anna Nicole coverage, and actually the more I think about it I expect Howard K. Sterns personality to pretty much be exactly like a jacked-up pervert. Like exactly. He probably gives himself 1st degree burns every time he masturbates.


Oh ya. I went there.

Dear Everyone

As you should know, I am turning the HUGE UNBELIEVABLY GIGANTIC ANCIENT AND HORRIFYING age of 25 soon. Soon as in 45 days, soon. I realize that I said I was totally fine with that, and in the grand scheme of things that I feel that I have experienced a lot of life in that time... but apparently I am a fucking liar now and it's all because of the following experience today in the car.

While driving past a party packagers store Sean mentioned how we should go in. I say, what for? He says oh duh it's your birthday soon and we should get me some party stuff. I laugh and say "ah naaah that's ok, it's not that big of a deal.. I mean I guess, but it's only 25" And he proceeds to casually mention how after 25 you stop your growing and then basically begin your slow decent into the inescapable hands of DEATH. I'm not joking he really said that. To ME. So I reply, ok let's have a huge party because I want everyone to celebrate how I'm dying. Oh man won't that be so fun? We could all just sit and watch me rapidly age right before your eyes, and later I could put out my birthday candles with my tears! and when I tell everyone that my wish was to NOT die we will all have a really good laugh, and I'll get told I have a great sense of humor for someone in my condition.

So anyway, I did a little research and discovered nobody has invented the Time Machine yet, so I made a little wishlist from a really cute store that was a hell of a lot more fun before I started thinking about my birthday.. ironically. My fave is the bedroom set, so cute. Also I've been told it's horribly difficult to actually order anything for me off of there so don't worry about it but thanks for the thought if you were ;)

MY WiSHLiST



Neurotically yours,
Ann

Turning Twenty-Four times Two

Bday Girl 1, Maria
Bday Girl 2, Ann-Marie









"You guys realize you're related, right?"
Oh trust us, we know. And yeah that's a banana hanging out of my shirt, and walnuts in Maria's bra. We take drunk photoshoots seriously. Props!







Slainte's








The last thing I remember from the bar...





Immediately after closing time we ran up to BK to see the King, I got an extra fry for Maria by simply telling them they forgot I ordered two. Went back to my cousins' place and laughed our asses off for about 2 more hours about bacon. It was translucent. You had to be there... all in all, awesome night, other than Maria's wedding I've never been drunker. Huzzah!!

testing my iSight

So Andrea sends me a pic of her crack mouth aka no front teeth, as she is getting her bridge replaced today. I, clearly, will have nightmares about this but I'm not going to post a picture so you'll just have to trust me. Anyway I wanted her to feel better since she can't eat so I photogoof'd myself.



ann.marie says:
dont feel bad, i think i have an eye problem

Andrea says:
eye ?
what is going on

ann.marie says:
here i'll show you

Successfully sent Photo 4.jpg



Andrea says:
ummmm i think u should get some one to look at that
seriously

ann.marie says:
do you think there's something wrong?

Andrea says:
yes
for the love of god yes!!!

ann.marie says:
ya i just woke up today and it was oozing.

Andrea says:
omg!!!!!!!! I THINK UR GOING BLIND

ann.marie says:
it just fell out.. should i go to the hospital?
hold on im going to put this in a baggie

Andrea says:
ummmm baggie AND HOSPITAL

ann.marie says:
i knew i shouldn't have filled my glaucoma prescription from the back of a van

What is new, what is not

With all the January birthdays it's been pretty busy this entire month basically. Busy is good, and busy birthday is better! It means I get a lot of cake coming my way. Fittingly I had about 80 conversations about hitting the gym and Andrea motivated me (partially because she works there and works out constantly) to be her new gym buddy. It's like bracelet buddies but instead of gay jewlery we are just going to be in really good shape. So really it's nothing at all like bracelet buddies, and I'm just tired, and making refrences to Friends, and confusing you.

Today was a really good start, we did all back muscle weight machines and she was great at showing me exactly how to do things the right way. It was very informative and Andrea said I was her best student! lol. That is probably because I don't enjoy doing things the wrong or easy way, and basically wasting my own time. I am a big fan of my own time. After that we went to get My Thai and chatted about how I'm going to organize an intervention if she orders the Mango Chicken one more time. She seriously eats it at least 3 times a week.. it's a sickness! She even told it "I love you, mango chicken" before she ate it... and I am NOT kidding.

New things in my life:

Sean got me a replacement for my broken camera and it kicks so much ass. He's so the best that I will forget that he broke my camera to begin with. lol. This one is titanium so I don't think I will have another issue with dropping it, etc. Which really makes me wonder, why aren't more things made of titanium? Also, is baby corn really corn? It seems like it was mislabeled and might be another vegetable altogether that just looks like mini corn.

I was already wondering that from earlier though.



Also this entry is the first from my new Macbook Pro. It is pretty damn cool, too. My other mac did not break but I was looking for an upgrade for a while and although I now seem incredibly spoiled, it just happen to be on the same day as my camera. And it's not even my birthday yet! So save up, bitches. I'm kidding, all I really need is like, a boat. So if everyone wants to go in on getting me a boat I will totally give you all rides. You know, whenever I have time. I am going to stop now before anyone thinks I'm being even 1% serious.


Not new:

I still really want that massage chair... why must you be 5 THOUSAND dollars??

Robert says:
i've been listening to gangsta rap all afternoon
i might forget how normal people talk to women

Robert says:
i think if you took out all the times Dr Dre tells some bitch to eat a dick, he'd have one song left, and it would be about drinking hennessey

My ass needs to marry this chair

Endorsed by the American Chiropractic Association
Panasonic massage loungers are the first chairs to be approved by the American Chiropractic Association (ACA), the largest professional association in the world representing doctors of chiropractic. In fact, this distinction represents the first massage chair endorsement given by the ACA. Recognizing the many health benefits of regular massage, the ACA found that Panasonic massage chairs provide outstanding deep-tissue relief, which can temporarily relax tense muscles, offering an ideal complement to chiropractic manipulation.

Body Scan Technology for a Personalized Massage
The RealPro Elite™ Massage Lounger uses Body Scan technology to deliver a massage that's personalized for your body. You'll also get 185 square inches of back massage, 25% more than our previous massage lounger with Body Scan technology. When you sit down, pressure sensors on the massage heads scan your back for 20 seconds and then locate the tops of your shoulders. The massage is then contoured to your spine's curvature for a tight and proper massage.


Full Body Air Massage System
A total of 33 air bags (that's 614 square inches of air massage!) work together, pressing and squeezing tired muscles, to relax multiple parts of the lower body. As they simultaneously inflate and deflate in varying patterns and speeds, the tension in your seat, hips, thighs, calves, shins and feet miraculously dissipates:

• Hips/Seat

Soothing squeezing for relaxation of muscles and increased circulation


• Thighs

Applies pressure to the muscles in the thighs, which relieves tightness and tension while increasing blood circulation.


• Calves/Shins

Kneading and loosening of the calf muscles and shins.


• Feet

Upward pressure is applied for the ultimate relief.

Five Pre-programmed Massages
The RealPro Elite™ Massage Lounger has four 14-minute and one 5-minute pre-programmed massages varying in intensity.

• Shiatsu - Firm style of massage that includes squeezing and finger pressure.
• Deep - Slow kneading will relax tight muscles.
• Swedish - A softer massage for a tired body.
• Stretch - General program that uses a variety of massage movements.
• Quick - Incorporates most of the massage techniques in a wonderful 5-minute massage.

3 Personal Memory--18 programs including Self-Program
Six programs (Four 14-minute Pre-Programs, One 5-minute Quick Program and One 14-minute Self Program) can be personalized and saved for three people.

Easy-to-use Remote with Voice Guide & LED Screen
The remote on the Panasonic RealPro Elite™ Massage Lounger allows for a complete personalized massage at the touch of a button. And our helpful voice guide takes you through your massage experience every step of the way.

We were shopping yesterday and I sat in this chair.. and now it's all I can think about. It's more than a chair.. it's almost alive! I NEED IT. Especially after the past two days, really stressful to have a big party at your house... but especially when you leave your own party full of people to pick up the food you ordered and they tell you that they never even heard of your order! Mild heart attacks are so good for you. I'd post some pictures of the party right now but lucky me, my camera got dropped and broken. lol. Other than that I had a lot of fun, especially at the no-kids party later. The only thing better than sitting in that chair would be sitting in it while eating Andrea's spinach dip.

It was like the Swedish massage chair of dips.

Customer Service that makes Customers Nervous

Situation #1: Renting a movie at Blockbuster


What would normally happen?
Walk in, look confused for about a minute, get the attention of a employee standing nearby.

Customer - hi excuse me, can you tell me about what's new?
Employee - yes this and this just came out this week.
Customer - oh, well I don't know what to rent.. what would you recommend?
Employee - personally I thought so and so was a great film, and also this other movie. both are really worth renting.
Customer - thanks!

What Actually Happened?
Walk in, greeted at the door by an employee who likes to talk 30 inches from my face.


Movie Boy - HI canihelpyou?
Customer - uhh.. hah no, I will just look around thanks
Movie Boy - are you sure you don't need any help?
Customer - well I just walked in, I don't know I haven't looked at any movies yet.. are there any really good new releases?
Movie Boy - Well this and that came out.. they look SCARY! Do you like those kinds of movies?
Customer - well that depends, are they any good?
Movie Boy - I have no idea
Customer - I see.. *feels like she's in a scary movie*
Movie Boy - *silent, yet still following customer*
Customer - ok well I think I'll just keep looking thanks
Movie Boy - make sure you come find me if you need any help!

Situation #2: Picking up a tub of butter in the dairy isle


What would normally happen?
Just pick up the butter and put it in the cart.

What Actually Happened?

55 year old Stock Boy - *interrupts customer talking* can I help you??
Customer - uhhhh *looks around* no... just getting some butter here....
55 year old Stock Boy - did you know it was the kind with olive oil in it???
Customer - ......yes
55 year old Stock Boy - ok just making sure that's what you wanted
Customer - it... is, thanks

Ya. Yet you go to an emergency room and nobody even notices you're there for 3 hours.
2 parents who think anyone allergic to peanuts should die + 1 kid who has a peanut allergy = actual proof the universe has an ironic justice department.

Pictures & The worst question I've asked lately

New Years Eve pics!!

Wes says:
i'm trying to make a movie with the iMovie thing

ann-marie says:
oh yeah? how's it going?

Wes says:
awful
my extras never show up
and the star wants $14 an hour

ann-marie says:
what?
wait you're making an actual movie?


Wes says:
lol

ann-marie says:
omg it's a porno isn't it


Wes says:
hahahahahha
no.....

ann-marie says:
what kind of porn star would ask for 14$ an hour

Wes says:
a single mom with a FUPA and 5 kids
she's 56

ann-marie says:
jesus CHRIST
i'm going to regret asking what a FUPA is


Wes says:
lol google it

aaand scene!

Mr. HANDS!!?? THE CASE OF Mr. Hands!!!?



Ok so the housewarming party last night could have involved more people but still managed to be way too much fun. I love playing Scene It!! Mostly because when it comes to pop culture I kick so much ass that my doctor advised me to use a prosthetic foot from now on to prevent injury to myself.

Incidentally the more I drank the more my awesome game skillz became total crap... and my awesome new skillz to swear constantly was heightened!




+

Definitely need to do that again :)

I'm taking questions

RE: New Years pics

I got them all but I need to resize them or else you'll just be looking at a bunch of really drunk giant eyeballs.

RE: Worst Waitress Ever

So Rob basically had it, this chick was so shitty at her job it wasn't even funny. She got every order wrong, then yelled at Alisia for wanting to take 2 drinks off her bill saying "I can't be doing that all night!!!" I asked to start a tab for 3 people and give her my credit card... she puts everyone's drinks on my bill, forcing me to do drunk math. I HATE DRUNK MATH!!! She spills a martini into a car bomb and goes, oops! Then she brings us 3 of the 4 cosmopolitans we ordered and tries to convince us it's really 4 drinks but in 3 glasses... to the top. All of that happens the two lucky times we do manage to find her and have her take our order, which is why we asked for 4 drinks because hey what do you know, she's not around 30 mins to the count down! Or 15, or 10, or at all. The bill comes and I put 110$ on the table because she was so shitty (it was 106$) and Sean takes it off and gives her exactly 106$ because she was so shitty. We all agree, no tip for her. Brooke hands her the money and she immediately goes "WHAT, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME A TIP AT ALL??" and has this indignant face like I just took a shit on her mother's grave. I say "I just want my card back, thanks" and she is still in complete SHOCK and keeps whining so Brooke says "yeah we just have to go to the bank machine" and she walks away like "oh you better!" so I walk over to the rest of the group and tell them all not to tip her, if they were going to and we put our coats on a head for the door. I stop for LITERALLY 1 minute to talk to this girl at the door and the waitress sees us and RUNS towards us yelling "ARE YOU LEAVING??!! OH MY GOD, YOU'RE LEAVING WITHOUT GIVING ME A TIP ON A 100$ BILL?" We walk out, and honestly I thought Sean was behind me... in which case he is basically going to make sure she regrets being born (or, ever coming out of the lifelong coma to come work at this bar) and I walk behind Brooke who is telling her that maybe she should have got our orders right. Apparently Sean was already on the street waiting for us so he had no idea and our hotel is literally 5 feet away so we just go in... as she's still screaming INTO THE NIGHT about how awesome we are, and thanks for the tip and blah blah blah. We pretty much end up talking about what a cunt she is until the rest of the group gets to our hotel room and tells us how the waitress went back inside and complained to THEM that we didn't tip her. Honestly I have never seen anything like it in my life.. she acted exactly like we didn't pay our bill or something and dashed on her. I mean exactly. I am calling Madison Ave. this week and complaining about her, and explaining that this is why 13 people who attended last year and this year will not be coming back next year.

RE: Snakes on a Plane

I just finished watching this and while it's not the most ridiculous movie I have ever seen, it's still fucking stupid... and had me asking myself a lot of questions. There were a few times where I had to laugh though and wonder about just who the fuck wrote this and how much money did they make? Were they held at gunpoint? Like the pilot makes a wonderful analogy that "the plane will drop faster than a Taiwanese whore". Now all I can think of is... first, why a Taiwanese whore specifically? and second, how fast do they drop? Like you walk into the whore house in Taiwan and they, like snakes, lunge and "strike" at your crotch and stick on? I take no responsibility for that ridiculous mental image since all the snakes on the plane managed to bite people in the weirdest fucking places. i.e. Boobs, a couple of crotches, eye socket, mouth... and one guy who died from a chick putting her high heel into his head. That has nothing to do with it but .. just how fast was she walking? Then there was the line "apparently he's some kind of hardcore snake guy!" and I had to ask myself, if you're into snakes then who ISN'T a hardcore snake guy? Are there just some average casual snake enthusiasts? They could take them or leave them. Or is he so HARD CORE XXXXX about it, as in actually crazy? In which case his character should have sounded more like this...

Holy moly! a plane full of motherfreaking snakes!

*unbuttons his shirt really fast*
*pokes the lenses out of his glasses and snaps it in half*

See because anyone who cares about snakes, even HARD CORE XXXXX, is still as geeky as they come. Like the hulk, only he lives with his mother and wears pajamas with bum flap buttons to bed... and says HOLY MOLY. And these are really things I think about....

Best foot forward

New house. New year. So far in 2007 life is good!


Pics & actual update coming in the next few days, including the story of being literally chased out of the bar by the worst waitress in history! Even worse than Hitler's personal "killing" waitress, and that waitress that served nothing but rat poison to children. Yep, children used to frequent the ye olde pubs. I know since I basically wrote history (as I saw fit to be interesting to me).

I hope everyone had a good one! :)

I elfed myself

http://www.elfyourself.com/?userid=4370b56dbb0e5302f872c4eG06122710




In case you ever wanted to see me do a ridiculous dance without using any imagination or being around whilst I drink... in costume. Damn that sounds like fun. I hope everyone had a great Christmas!

Last party of 2006

Last night my cousins came over for one last party of the year, and before me, the man, and the little man move to our new house in Oakville. As the night and drinking went on OF COURSE we NEEDED to re-enact the 'dick in a box' video, pictured below for your consideration. Here's a little musical dialog that captures the whole night pretty nicely.


Antonella: christmas...
Ann: dick in a box!!
Antonella: hanukkah...
Ann: dick in a box!!
Antonella: pakistan...
Ann: what?
Antonella: islam?
Alisia: isn't it Quizno's?
Ann: no, kwanzaa!! .... dick in a box


I like how after I make the correction, I have to finish my part of "dick in a box" haha. I need closure on this anecdote! Literally we had so much fun that I just can't wait for New Years when we get to do it all again, but dressier! No really, I can't wait. I'm sleeping through Christmas and when I wake up it better be New Years eve... just place my presents around me.

The gift that needs giving

An instant Christmas classic.

Is that baby body glitter?

Disclaimer: this post is in no way intended to be racist or making fun of asian's putting on make-up



This is hands down THE BEST Christmas shopping story ever, and it doesn't even have anything to do with talking a gun-toting Santa down from the roof a mall. So we're shopping, yadda yadda, completely zoned out like the rest of the xmas zombies and trying to find a DVD to watch that night ...when the flow of traffic is stopped due to multiple baby-stroller jam. About 3 separate mothers are trying to intersect eachother in one tiny walking lane, in Walmart of all places, so just picture that. We stand there patiently while they sort out who goes where... then the way is cleared and we continue walking down the isle. About 5 seconds later both Sean and I stop, turn to eachother with a weird look on our faces, and go "was that... was.. that baby's ...eyebrows drawn on?" confirming that yes, we both saw it, and yes someones mother had actually DRAWN ON (with black eyeliner) skinny MAD LOOKING LATINA eyebrows, not to mention "cat eye" lined the actual eyes. OF A BABY! ...who looked, at most, 5 months old. Although with all that make-up I could have sworn she was the tiniest 15-year old I've ever seen. There was no mistaking it, that baby had make-up on... and that is both the most hilarious and saddest thing I have ever seen! Clearly, the only thing sadder is that I do not have a picture of it.

Re-enactment photo.




This is, with no exaggeration whatsoever, exactly what that baby looked like (as she was also asian) except she was wearing a pink bear-like hat.

I feel so sorry for this poor baby that I used in my example.. how could you, in all seriousness, do this to your child??? haha. Did she wake up that day and say to herself "You know what, that's it, I am SO SICK of my baby's lack of eyebrows! She is a total failure in hair growing of the facial area! I see how all the other babies make fun of my baby, and I can see their mothers whispering 'zero-brow' to eachother when we stroll by. At this rate I don't know how she will even stand a chance of getting into a decent college! I am going to draw some on, like a drag queen... but angrier and while I have my eyeliner out here I'll just dress up the eyes up a little bit as to make her cuter, and more popular with boy babies"

Haha oh God, I know what I want for Christmas!!


Dear Jesus,
Please send me that child's picture with Santa. I'll also accept a family portrait, where hopefully everybody has eyebrows like this... even the men.

Love,
Ann-Marie

Yum-O M G I'm annoying

This past week I've been cooking Rachael Ray 30-Minute Meals. 30 Minutes my ass, ok? It's more like an hour to an hour and a half. They're pretty delicious though. She may be the most annoying woman on television but at least it's real food and not foo-foo salad dinners. Sean's been loving it, and it beats the hell out of being crushed to death by my collection of frozen food boxes.

Ex. A.



This was my actual attempt to throw away all the boxes when Brooke was visiting me, them falling down the stairs, and her telling me I need a picture of it. It truly is a a testament to impatience and overall laziness. Yay for real food, but seriously, don't you just want to punch her in the mouth?

sean says:
im a bad husband


ann---marie says:
pretty much terrible, yes
you're not allowed to use dishes until you learn to appreciate them
until then, you eat dinner in your hands
possibly a garbage bag


sean says:
hahaha

Monday is the new Saturday

Christmas shopping is here. Actually, it was a few weeks ago and like usual I have not done any yet and I'll end up buying everything in one long horrifying mall-packed day. So I should have more accurately said.. Christmas shopping is here, has been waiting for me for 2 weeks, and is unbelievably pissed off. I've already been checking out the mall situation and it's BAD... Hasselhoff BAD. Especially if you get anywhere close to a Walmart and their animated singing Santa's and $4.99 bedsheets. It's a virtual breeding ground for senile agitation.

That reminds me.

So my grandma came over yesterday morning and basically brought Christmas with her. I didn't have a tree yet, etc. of course, so she just happened to have one in the car. And a poinsettia plant. Oh and the tree is fiber optic, so I'm already more Christmalogically advanced than about 98% of the population. Really my grandma is sweet, but she kept cleaning my fridge which couldn't be more annoying. She has arthritis in her wrist and high blood pressure for Gods sake... I'm going to literally kill my grandma with my messiness. Or learn to keep everything lick-able clean. Haha, ya that's not going to happen soooo my grandma is going to die.

Uh, on a lighter note, Lego StarWars is so cool. Why is it the G rated games are always the most fun/addictive? I don't care, the fact that you can make the green monster poo lego cubes.. for absolutely no reason.. is just about the best thing anyone has ever thought of. However, I don't think kids should play. They need to read more books or ..something. Threaten to stab them if they don't play their v-smile. I have my reasons...

"H.. it starts with the letter Pear."

- kid in grocery store, looking at a can of tomato sauce

Q: Are my grillz safe for children?

Come Christmas morning, wouldn't you love to unwrap this fine piece of jewelry? And by unwrap, I mean, take out of the brown bag it shares with a pack of Virginia Slims and half-eaten smoked ham? Just look at the craftsmanship. It's as if the diamonds were actually smiling for you! Oh and incidentally, they ARE safe for children over 12. Crunk for the whole family!



Heard from my livingroom last night "Dude, why won't any lickatoads come to our fucking garden?!" & "Costalot is such a cunt" Last night Brooke and I stayed up all night playing Viva Pinata! that Sean got me.



Best prezzie ever. It is ridiculously addicting so, in a month or so you might hear there was a pinata intervention. Until then VIVA!!

All around me are familiar faces

Last night Andrea came over, we got some Thai food and went to see Borat. Holy fucking shit. He went so far in that movie that he actually ass raped "too far" and burned his house and his mother. They were all in flames, ok? Some of it was funny but most of it (and I'm talking 85%) was too extreme to even laugh at because it hasn't even registered yet. Then there's that 5% of the movie (aka the nude fight scene) that offended me visually more than if they literally taped a live execution and took a nice long piss all over the corpse. Anyone who's seen the movie can back me up on this.

Anyways, I had so much fun hanging out with Andrea. I almost pissed myself when the Gears of War ad came on. Mad World is apparently a new inside joke, ever since some nerd on xbox live started singing it over his headset (waiting to play the actual game) and then Andrea confessed it's on her myspace page. lol. We also almost drove off the road like twice laughing when we were doing skits from the best of Will Ferrell and then when we see a big group of Santa's running around on the street. Literally I think there were about 25-30 Santa's. This was the best picture I could get from the car.



I'm pretty sure they were robbing that bank because there's no other explanation I can think of. Literally none.



Tonight I'm finishing off the last of the Tastykakes that Kevin sent me. I am officially sad that they do not sell these here because they're all sorts of delicious.

"that's not her mom, that's her social worker!"
- Andrea, about 2 people in a car



"I've got a fever and the only cure is more balls"
- me

Everything is illuminated

Visual: this weekends shopping trip







swarovski crystal christmas tree




Audio: overheard in a subway filled with people


middle-aged woman holding a balloon animal:
yeah well you just look like a crazy guy in a subway! like Clint Eastwood said in the movie California where I'm from .. you're just someone I'm walking away from!!!

man on a date that clearly went wrong:
ya well keep walkin'!!


I wonder why, in socially awkward situations like that, my first reaction is that if I remain completely still that I somehow become invisible. No motion whatsoever = I'm not a part of this. lol. Man, you know you're going home to a house full of cats and a lean cuisine dinner for 1 when you end dates by screaming in a subway and quoting movies nobody's seen.

Speaking of quotes.

Wes.. says:
is it wrong if i like the song maneater?

Would you like a massage?

I don't usually make Christmas lists but Archie McPhee is having a contest where apparently you can win yours just by submitting it. Sounds like a great deal! My entire wishlist is basically everything The Cubes, expansion sets including but not limited to:



the Copy Room.. where all the copying happens
AND the secret office sex, if any (yeah there's going to be some)





the Cubes Corporate Protester... he makes his own hummus, and sandals!





the Cubes Sensitivity Trainer... who heard about what we use the copy room for, apparently






and glow in the dark Corporate Zombies! GRAHHHHH


The only thing not The Cubes that I want are some cards for my dad, some weird gift wrapping paper, and this:

Albino Bowler Action Figure

The doors swing wide open and he stands in the doorway - a pale figure with stark white hair and a bowling bag. It's Dick, the Albino Bowler, and he's come to bowl. If you're lucky enough to be at one of the small town bowling alleys he chooses to visit, you're in for a treat. Soon everyone in the alley will be gathered around his lane to witness his extraordinary display of bowling virtuosity and his thick white sideburns.

I don't need any of this stuff and isn't that what Christmas is really about? Like deep down? Oh, right, no it's not. Okay this is why I don't make wishlists!

Fun in the Supermarket

You remember crack? Well it's back.... in creme form!

It's a big day for me

Today I am 9,001 days old.

Someone somewhere I'm sure is having a party for me. They might not know the party is for me, but it is. In case you wanted to know how I know that (because I obviously didn't do the math, let's be honest) you can go to the Birthday Calculator.

I think it's fantastic that both Al Gore and Christopher Walken share my birthday. I'm not sure why but I just do.


"There are 130 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 25 candles."



Dear Birthday,

Twenty-Five, for some reason, I don't mind. I suppose when we have this discussion at 45, my tune will likely change... and I might not like you. That is, if scientists don't declare our bodies inferior first and I transfer myself to pure energy and you have to literally have this discussion on the internet. Because that's where I'll live. FOREVER. Yes 20 years = 200 years to me. That's how little concept I have of a time where I'll actually even start to consider myself old. Until then I am looking forward to you, birthday. I still like you plenty.

Love, Ann.



While I'm writing letters...



Dear Gingerbread Latte from Second Cup,

You taste like Christmas. Especially with a strawberry jam shortbread cookie. I wish I could have you everyday, but I'd be too jacked up and all my Christmas presents would look like a two elephants wrapped them. I'm already pretty bad at wrapping. I'm up to a 2nd grade level right now.

Love, Ann.



Dear B Vitamins,

You make my pee glow in the dark. I think that's weird.

Regards, Ann.

Magic.. it's everywhere!!

I found this on YouTube, apparently she's now YouFamous for making all these whacked out videos but I didn't know that at the time. I thought this was fucking hilarious, the rest of it.. slightly entertaining but trust me you'll find yourself laughing mostly at the fact that you are sitting there at your computer actually watching it. I mean, I did.





If I was 13 now and had much better video editing skills (read: any skills) I would definitely be making films like this with my friends... and have my own YouChannel. I'm sad that I can't find the few videos we did make, and at the same time relieved. Gosh do I feel old... why am I not doing crap like this? It's so utterly ridiculous it's awesome, and you know how much I like that. On that note, a funny story that is 100% true. My cousin Vince is a math teacher and he was telling us about what "new" kinds of things the kids are saying these days. Yanno, what's going down on the streets. Apparently the new slang is to tell someone that they are "extra" or "arms". Yeah arms. As in "sir, you're so arms" ... hahaha, I thought he was kidding too like what does that even mean? Could be anything!

"Hey buddy, that's so LEGS man... you even realize how arms and legs that is?? Everyone, check this guy out... he's garbage can pizza slice!!!"
- "Whoa are you gonna take that??"

What's a matter with kids these days, you can't even come up with good slang. Just start naming random shit you see on the street, types of gum, diseases.. whatever!


"God, Alex, you couldn't get more AIDS if you tried!"
- "Shut up, trident mint whitening!"


I could go on all day. Literally. lol. Nobody is allowed to start saying garbage can pizza slice by the way. I OWN garbage can pizza slice. It's only cool when I say it.

It's (hung) over

My cousin Maria is officially married, dum dum dummm. lol jk. The wedding was absolutely amazing! All I have to say is she had a flambe show AND fireworks... not a lot of people can top that.

The wedding ceremony went well and the reception afterwars, but the photoshoot honestly felt like an episode of Punk'd. If I was famous for anything I would have honestly thought that's what was going on. The photographer was so crazy, he kept telling us to do all these weird things for the video. Like he had the guys do a mafia bit at the house, and Al shoots a guy for washing his car with rocks. Then at the greenhouse all of a sudden he's like "Ok all the girls start singing 'all you need is love' and then crouch down and the guys JUMP UP behind them and pretend to be trumpets!" Like what? None of us even knew the words, and we didn't get a practice run... so it kind of trailed off after like 8 seconds. The whole thing was basically just more things like that. At one point I just burst out laughing while he was still talking. Next I thought he was going to ask us "Ok so now I want you to all jump into the water and act like Alligators with your arms and say 'we love Maria and Al.... purple monkey dishwasher!'"

One of the groomsmen put it best when he said: "I think we died in the limo and this is hell" Hahaha. All I have to say is I really cannot wait to see that video, because if somehow it all makes sense I will be shocked.

The rest of the night (aka reception) was hilarious, I even got to be Vanna White when I brought out the prize for the Newlywed Game that was going on. Honestly I 'celebrated' way too much wine, so really I don't remember a lot of it in vivid detail... basically I just had a lot of fun and the food was great. There was one of those chocolate fountains. So good. Sean won the huge crystal champagne candle centerpiece which looks so great, I would have been so upset if I didn't have it. Plus it was pretty hilarious when we saw Al's grandfather had also won one and walking out with it Sean pointed out how much it looked like a Pimp Chalice. It really does... he was like 90 years old by the way.

At one point I was talking to my cousin from Florida who I have not seen in 11 years (or more) and guess what I decided to talk about? Cats and dogs. Cats and fucking dogs is the best thing I could think of. Seriously.. sometimes I really am an idiot when I drink, and no one should talk to me. lol. It's like there's a tiny part of my brain totally unaffected way in the back of my head going "you're talking about dogs Ann-Marie.. are you an idiot? because everyone thinks you're an idiot" and yet there's nothing I can do about it. Just to put the last nail in this coffin, I'll tell you how the night ended. As we're about to leave I'm told I somehow got my hands on a cup of beer in the short distance from the hall to the door. Sean asks me where the hell I got that and I say "this beer is great" (or something) and "do you think I can take this in the car with me?" he says no, that probably isn't a great idea so I leave it there.. pass out in the car, spill a bunch of liquid Tylenol everywhere, and puke 2 times before we go to bed. Apparently once wasn't enough. Must have been that fucking beer. I hate beer, by the way.

Seriously I have not actually gotten sick from drinking too much in an extremely long time. I'd say over a year at least. Next time I'm going to slow down a little more, but just a little. Watch out New Years Eve, I'm looking in your direction ;)

AnnSpace - A place where I don't like anything, at all

You know myspace has reached it's height in popularity when there are other sites based off of it. I ran into my death space and found it completely fascinating in the most whole-heartedly creepy way. All it is is a list of myspace.com members who have recently died. It tells you how they died, links you to their page, and then you get to read their profile and friends comments and shit. Before I knew it an hour and a half had passed by and I was sitting at my computer, convinced everyone I knew was going to die.

I'm not sure of the commentary on society here that there are tributes to a person's online profile, but the implications are not totally lost on me... I just am too creeped out to tell you what that is because I don't want to really think about it. I don't want to know you set yourself on fire, I don't want to leave you sparkly comments, I don't want to see your slutty pics on your way to a party, or see your headline is "playas only love you when they playin'" or hear your profile song is "The Offficial Stripper" by T Pain. Just jesus christ, everyone, delete your myspace's right away... and die like normal people please.

I don't want to personally identify anyone I know with being dead. Is that so wrong?





And I don't even know what to say about THIS



Members include "Hoopz" from the reality-tv show Flavor of Love. I was so conflicted with just the original myspace.com, I didn't feel like I really belonged. When I saw this all I could think was "Oh thank god, finally, a place for me." What's next.. mywhitespace? a place for Aryan friends. anorexicspace? a place for starving yourself to death. seemypoospace? a place for poo.

Come on this is so fucking ridiculous. If I met Tom, I would definitely knee him in the junk for making me write this post.

Maria Peckeroni

The bachelorette party was seriously the most fun night I've had in practically a million years. I think everyone pretty much feels the same way, especially Maria, which was the whole point of course!

I can't say enough about how completely awesome the night was, so, I might as well just show you (some) of the pictures.


Man, I wish we thought to actually bring the Bachelorette Barf Bag. We needed it. I also feel the need to mention I am not responsible for my dancing, just fyi, because I was having too much fun to care. Clearly. The only scandalous thing of the whole night were basically the penis straws. And maybe some of the gifts. Even if there was, I definitely wouldn't be writing about it on the site. Some sort of "last night of freedom" rule and all. What happens there, well, you know the rest ;)

I'm bringing 90s back

I was at my grandma's house the other day and apparently she cleaned out the ominous space behind the stairs with all my kid crap stuffed in it. I had no idea how much crap that was... so I'm impressed my grandparents could even physically do it by themselves. I think my grandma got a kick out of it so I'm going through it with her and I nearly DIE laughing. My Jem sticker book!!! haha. I swear, sticker books was the most lucrative thing ever created by toy industries. Kids just buying up all the stickers that the book told them to buy, after their parents already bought them the damn toys to begin with. Genius! "Why don't you just go play with your toys?" "I will, but Jem tells me I need two more packs of stickers" "Why?" "because I'm missing them in the book! see!" All I remember was carrying a suitcase full of crap like that around, so you can imagine how much my parents spent.

Anyways I just had to take a couple items that I didn't want to be in the garage sale.




Oh Jonathan Brandis fan club cut out card. I liked you so much better when you were in Tiger Beat then, yanno, when you killed yourself. In the pic he looks like he just got done with a 2 hour long sweaty work out of being depressed. Man that's hard work... so HOT.




Yeah that's right, I had neon pink DAYS OF THUNDER sunglasses. I got them at Harvey's. Obviously you agree I could not be any COOLER. I should start wearing this all the time and see what happens. My best guess is that when I have them on "Highway to the Danger Zone" plays constantly, but only I can hear it. Why? Because "You can't stop the thunder."



I'm bringing 90s back! The least popular decade, my ass.

Happy Halloween :)

I'll get the rest of the pictures on Friday.. bachelorette party night! Woo woo.

I'll have everything, with everything on it. For here AND to go.

Last night was hilarious. I ended up drinking what had to amount to an entire box of wine lol. No really, I only had 8 drink tickets the whole night but I guess my cousin vince was a pretty good bartender! I partied all night, danced around, met new people, saw great costumes, helped sell tickets and shooters, and ended up leaving with a complimentary pizza! The only way it could have got any better is if Sean had been able to come with me instead of having to work. The second way the night would have been better is if it didn't start off with my being involved in a car accident. The third way it would have been better is if that car accident hadn't been with a member of the groom's family... oh and his car was very damaged. Great first impression right? I guess I should say that's it's good that everyone was OK, but honestly from the look on that guys face he didn't seem like he was going to be OK. I saw that same look once on a guy who found out he'd be getting executed in a couple of hours.

Oh by the way we sold about $300 in jell-o and pudding shots. Yeah, pudding. It's pretty good actually. Thanks to the one person who actually guessed.. you're my hero. I can only assume it means nobody else really wants to see me being embarassed. Wow, I never thought this day would come! I feel like I should thank somebody or make a toast... because there's a really retarded one of me near the end of the night. lol.

Speaking of weird. I'll just end this post by telling you what my mother made me for brunch. A syrup-soaked pancake with a fried egg on it, a bran muffin and 3 cherry tomatoes with ranch dressing on them. She said "well I didn't know what you wanted" .. um not THAT! Never have I ever been so indecisive that I wanted someone to just bring me everything.

All treats, no tricks

Two things in the media right now that I am pretty positive are signs that luck really exists. Actually accusing Michael J. Fox of "overdoing" the Parkinsons for sympathy ... and being paid $3.5 million dollars to tell everybody how you killed a couple of people. Not the usual prison time and daily anal rape for him! And Rush Limbaugh has managed to stay alive somehow instead of being sucked directly into hell, so, that's a way better deal than usual too. What a couple of lucky guys! I bet you thought me proving luck exists would be more life affirming and hopeful. Nope! I also think it's totally fair that for me, luck exists as I just occasionally find a $5 dollar bill in an old coat. Yeah.. just as good. Wow luck is a real asshole.


I am really looking forward to Halloween. My cousin Maria is having a Stag and Doe costume party so an added bonus is we can win prizes for dressing up. I was going to dress up as Alice in Wonderland but I decided to go as red riding hood, same as last year, since I wanted to win best couples costume! I'm pretty sure that me and my big bad wolf will win <3 ;)

I'll tell you all about it the following week as I'm positive the entire night will be well drunkumented. Since I'm a bridesmaid, I'll also be working that night as one of the shooter girls I think. I'm going to extend an offer that if anyone guesses within 5$ of the total money made from the shots Antonella and I sell then I'll post a really stupid picture of me from the night, if one is taken. Trust me.. one is always fucking taken. I'm going to go ahead and guess for you right now that it'll be me making some stupid scary face or one of the 89 pics I am in the middle laughing. You can't put a price on that.

Controls of the contest:

Number of tickets printed = 300 (number attending unknown)
Wedding party total (including Bride and Groom but not including kids) = 16
Price of shooters = 2$ - 4$
Number of hours of the party = at least 5
Food served = tasty buffet

If you're not sure why that last bit of information might help your guess then you're either a) not going to do very well in this contest or b) never been drunk/around drunk people. The more food you eat, the more you can drink. Obvi.

I guess the contest ends Nov. 1st.

Also! I'm really looking forward to the Lost party tonight at my house. I wonder what Lost themed food would be.. peanut butter? Also, adding chocolate soy milk to your coffee instead of vanilla is one of those ideas that are 100% not as good as you thought it would be.

Tyra Banks is out of her damn mind

Seriously. I nearly spit out my cereal when I watched this.. and by nearly I obviously mean that I did and it was totally worth it. I should mention I found this on thesuperficial.com. I think it's possible she might be trying to mock Oprah (which is a great idea if you're a new black women talk show host) and her crazy dream giveaways. Even if that's what's going on here (which I kind of hope is the case honestly, or else she needs to be tested for drugs) she 100% failed because let me just point out right now what someone should have a while ago.. Tyra Banks is not funny. Not even ironically funny, and a lot of people are at least that.

&

The first annual Myspace stupid haircut awards! As someone who likes pointing out how things look a lot like other, more hilarious things... you have no idea how entertained I was by this list. It's so hard to pick a favourite, but if I really had to I'm leaning towards the Tom/Proudstar comparison. I think it was the women's jeans.

Anyways, good jerb on this guy... he even did the second annual Myspace stupid haircut awards! Which is just as good, but 8 million times as scary. I had no idea how many people really want to be superheros/are out of their damn minds.

Google: lesbian lesbians girl-on-girl.. gay

Just out of interest, I check out what people Google to get to this website. I mean, usually they're pretty funny but this week is a tad unusual.

Top 5:

1. lesbian baby
2. what if my dad threatens to beat me
3. lesbian cartoon
4. *variations of my name and the word fucked or fucking* <-- classy by the way
5. AMBER NEEDS TO GET ON MYSPACE WHEN SHE GETS HOME TODAY

Wow, what the crap is up with number 2?! I sincerely hope no one's dad is beating them up, and if they are, this totally isn't the site for you ...but if you're here anyways I'm going to advise you to kick him in the balls if he does. Or tell him he's the worst father in the universe and then threaten HIM with perhaps mentioning to someone he may have touched you inappropriately. Bruises fade but he'll have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. I'm just saying...

Boy is the internet weird, & so is the facination with lesbians.

Ugly is the new cute

So this week I've been away/ keeping my grandma company. I know, don't you wish I made up some other reason as to where I've been? Maybe like, skydiving camp. Ok so I was so sick and tired of skydiving all day so I went out to lunch with Brooke and her mom and I finally bought my shoes for the wedding.





Apparently, I'm selectively indecisive.. and that has caused me to take 4 months to find a pair of fucking shoes that were the right colour. What is more ridiculous than that? Buying a pair of shoes that are the right colour that you have little to no chance of being able to walk normally in. I feel like an 8 year old in her mom's shoes. What? I'm not a hooker, ok, I need practise!


My mom isn't a hooker. I just realized what I was implying there....



So anyhow, wish me luck on that. I have until November 11th to be a "street walker" pro. By the way, someone needs to dare me to make a toast like this at the wedding. Hahaha. To pure terror!!!!

Toronto Marathon 2006

My friend Rob is participating in the Princess Margaret Hospital Marathon next weekend. Personally, I think that's pretty cool for him so I hope he kicks everybody's ass. Figuratively. Also, I think it'd be great for anyone who maybe sucks at running like I do but still wants to support cancer research... you can just sponsor him and he can do all the running! All you have to do is click here, and you get to do a good thing today without getting all sweaty.




See I could never run in a marathon like this, mainly because nobody in their right mind would support me. Cancer patients would actually ask me NOT to run for them... that's how badly I run. I remember one time I was about to take a final exam. In high school, for some reason, I decided that my exam ritual would be to get up ridiculously early... get McDonalds breakfast (of champions) while I study.. and catch the bus to school. Yeah, I dunno, a lot of my bright ideas in the morning revolved around McDonalds breakfast. Anyways, I walk out to catch my bus.. full of McSausage and grease browns (oh, right, and KNOWLEDGE) and I see my bus about to go by. I FREAK OUT because that's one of my worst nightmares, like a lot of people, being late to a final exam. So I full out run. You know the kind of run where you don't even care what you look like, you'd even flail your arms on purpose if you knew it would help speed you up somehow.

Anyway, I caught the bus... somehow... but my heart was on fire and it took me about 45 mins to catch my breath. It was probably closer to 15 mins but it felt like 45. And it was only one block. One.

That was before I started working out at all but it's the best story I can think of related to how much I suck in this area. Oh and that people actually laugh when I run. Out loud and everything. I'm not sure why it's so hilarious.. maybe I'm the Elaine of running and I just don't know it.

So support Rob, if just to never have to see me run ever. It's just not safe.

This one is wet

Hahaha. Ok I don't watch that show but I really wished I was there for this episode. I also love that this was on ABC Family.



Oh and this is totally random but, who orders those written transcripts you see at the end of t.v. shows? Even if it was a really great show, who says " you know, that was so great that I need to buy that in written form and enjoy it on a whole new level." I don't get it, and it's really bothering me. How werid is that? If I ever went to someone's house and I saw a whole shelf full of Dr. Phil transcripts I'd be terrified and make some excuse to leave. Then when I'm in my car they'd call my cell and quote a reference from the transcript of the episode "irrational fears" where this exact situation happened. Maybe it is irrational but whatever you're fucking creepy.