What?!

I know I have breastfeeding on the brain right now but what in gods name is this??  And who the hell are the mothers answering an ad asking for breast milk?  Does that even sound the least bit legit to you?

Oh, what's this.. someone will pay me for my breast milk.. there is literally no way this could end in me in a bathtub full of ice.  

In other news, do you know how stressful it is to have a person totally reliant on you for nutrition?  I mean honestly, the ends to which mothers have to make something out of nothing is pretty nuts if you think about it.  I feel like shaking my fist at the sky asking "now what???" if I wasn't afraid a huge list of stuff I have to make from my body parts would fall down from it.

Sweet Disposition

Photographer: Rodney Smith

Weeks ago I last talked about confessing why I am a total hypocrite after tormenting my son Ethan with even 5 mins of watching Labyrinth. I like to wait until at least 15 days after I have a baby to tell people what a failure of a parent I am. If I could somehow tie this terrible decision into being a result of my parents letting me watch Poltergeist (and in fact having a cousin named Carolanne, to creep it up some more) that would be great. I know that I must have been at least 5 when I saw Labyrinth but I remembered LOVING it so when I was trying to think of awesome alternatives to a) watching any more Star Wars or b) especially Clone Wars cartoons.. I saw it on the NetFlix and thought "MAN this is going to blow his mind!"


I was right.. but it was because he was soul-shatteringly upset he cried his eyes out. I literally sat there consoling him as if I just showed him video of me rounding up a bunch of puppies and executing them. You might ask why, and the reason he gave me was that he was really, really concerned about the baby. Telling him the baby was OK wasn't enough since the Goblin King also scared the shit out of him, and therefore the baby was not OK. This happened again when he saw the end of Revenge of the Sith and Padmae gives birth to the babies and dies. He actually tried to keep himself from crying which I've never seen a kid do, and his exact quote I believe was "I can't take it anymore.. my heart feels like its in a million pieces." He's a sensitive one, that one... and a little dramatic.

(What my boy looks like when you give him a lego star wars cake) 

I should note here that he regularly creates Lego monsters that can rip your head and body off so maybe it's just about babies for right now. More research is needed. Hope everyone is having a great Family Day!

Vitamin Water for the Homeless

Comedy Central's Jokes.com
Tags: Jokes,Joke of the Day,Funny Jokes

Baby

Hi, I'm here!

Seeing as I just turned my blog into a giant bowl of cuteness, I'll save all the best parts of our experience from the last few days for another time.  Just know that it involves a teddy bear on a toilet sticker on my medication though.  So disturbing.

Peel your eyes off

The times I love having not just a 5yr old, but MY 5 yr old the most, are directly related to being exceptionally funny. He tries all the time to be funny, and it usually involves the word poop, pee or the punchline that someone is going to the bathroom and then asks if that was funny. I say no. He's not old enough to know that he's incredibly funny though in moments when he's just being himself. We had an unexpected PA day today, unexpected in the way that I realized IN the car at the bus stop.. 5 mins after it was supposed to arrive.. it was probably a PA day. That was not cool as it was seriously cold this morning but while waiting in vain for the schoolbus to come Ethan suggested we pool our resources to find it faster, and misusing a common phrase in basically the best way I've ever heard. You see, he was going to keep his ears open to see if he could hear it coming.. and my job was that I should peel my eyes off. I could not even stop laughing to correct him but hey.. it's a weird saying anyway!

So what do you do on an exceptionally cold Monday PA day? Watch quite a lot of Star Wars and then go sledding for a bit. I'll tell you two stories associated with both of these. One, I am the dumbest child ever.. and the other, I am the worst parent in history and potentially hypocritical after all the bitching I've done about the inappropriate stuff my parents let me watch. I mean I did, after all, turn out JUST FINE.

The first time my parents decided to take me out tobogganing for real, aka down a hill by myself, I was in 1st grade. They decided that I also needed a 3 person aluminum sled that went really fast and that neither of them were going to go on with me more than once. So there I was, top of the hill ready to go, and at the bottom of the hill were my parents and a large brick building.. I think the whole hill area was a water treatment plant. Either my parents didn't realize if they aren't on the sled with me, it will go faster and farther.. or they thought I had a lot more common sense than I did. Not only did I actually sled right into a brick wall but I did so ignoring my parents yelling at me to jump off.. because I rather take my chances than jump off of something moving.  I had never practised that so it was the equivalent of jumping out of a moving car to me. There is no moral to the story other than don't take your kids tobogganing the same week as picture day.  I lost a front tooth earlier that month so I looked REALLY GOOD.

Damn.. maybe after that story I think I'll tell the other one another time. Instead here's a bunch of pictures of that not happening when we went sledding today.

Sunnier

A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night.

- Steve Martin

Ironically, when he smiles with his eyes they look like little moons :)

FIVE

One of the things I was very sure of about Ethan turning the big 5 is that he needed a special cake. I don't know why exactly.. perhaps because I so much remember turning 5 myself. I didn't have a fancy cake but there was a cute Carebears topper holding a balloon that said 5 on it... I'm sure with how my grandmother hoards things it's actually still around somewhere. I wanted to start a tradition of giving the kids special birthday cakes every 5 years, hoping they'd really look forward to it and remember them as special years. The result ended up being so awesome, I think it ended up feeling a little selfish since we were about as excited as he was. His face was priceless!


Enter, Lego Star Wars cake (with Tye Dye insides!)

R2 was my fave!

Ugh, the coolness was just too much. I take no credit whatsoever for the creativity when I ordered it.. my only contribution was (agreeing with all their awesome ideas and) it MUST have a Darth Vader on it, which Ethan noted and then nom nom'ed him; and I think a lot of other characters.

I don't know how much the cake had to do with it but he was so happy that day and had so much fun at his playground party that the fact he kept thanking us in the car was almost too much.

the Shitty bar

I need hobbies to occupy the next 4 weeks or so that I can do while sitting down, so I thought I'd start my own 30 Days of Photos album. I'm not going to post it everyday since that's ..overkill.. but it's on my flickr and if you want to play too, have at it, add me or leave a link!

I'm on day 2 and already I know I likely will be interrupted before 30 is up, but that's just adds to the fun doesn't it?? So mysterious! PS who the hell does 365 on flickr and considers themselves 'normal' .. normal is giving up, man! You are not that interesting all year!

30 days also seems to be the magic number for keeping my attention. 31? not as attractive for some reason. 60, you must be joking. I get physically angry at anyone who counts down to something longer than 60 by the way, so I don't even want to hear about it if you did that for some reason. I can't handle the subsequent thoughts of you as a child in some sort of long car ride or whatever.

My other relaxing hobby so far is tweeting kijiji ads I find that are so, what's the word? Hamilton. Oh, and funny!

• Balls for girls, everyone. Who needs balls for girls?! I have two. http://bit.ly/gee5MC #kijijihamilton

• Mint condition marvel action figures! http://bit.ly/fjGzgW see my 'other ads' aka the finally getting laid collection #ilovekijijihamilton

• anyone want to open a really shitty bar with me? they've got labatts, molson and mill time left! http://bit.ly/g31bsg #kijijihamilton

Lucky Number 3

I've had a handfull of moments in my life where I knew, even if there was or wasn't a reason for it, that I was doing something I'd never be doing again. Whether that fact was wonderful or awful I've always appreciated those moments for their clarity since life just so rarely gives us any of that. I don't know how many times I've heard that if only someone knew it was their last ______ they'd have done something differently. I'm not talking about things you just flat out didn't like so you don't plan on doing it again. Those are pretty easy. I don't like butter tarts for example.. it's not news to me I will never be eating one again and I don't have any feelings about that. Maybe a WTF face since butter tarts are terrible. What it could be is something like the day you graduate or go to your last day at work or whatever; it deserves a little recognition, even if it's a small thing.

For me right now.. I am completely finished with pregnancy/child-making as a life experience. I'm fortunate I even had the opportunity since some people do not, or desperately cannot, and although it has left me irreversibly changed (literally.. one of my children took some of my guts with them when they left. I'm also anemic and my thyroid stopped working..) I couldn't be more lucky to have done something universally agreed as almost unbelievable which is also unfortunately impossible to describe to another person who hasn't also experienced it first hand. Everyone but you is pretty much a witness. The results were kinda nice, too :) I suppose that all that before I turn 30 is somewhat of an accomplishment as a human being.. I did a ton of stuff, y'all! I used to joke with one of my pregnancy penpals to tell her husband.. you just cannot win a contest with a mom of shit they did that day. Growing a person plus anything else always comes out on top. But on the reverse side, I'm done before I'm even 30. I need to appreciate that fact, mainly as a person who, in life, never likes to say never; so the little time I have left will be even more sweet. When I can have champagne again we will definitely be doing a little celebrating.

Bring on the table-flipping madness that is a house full of boys and one bathroom!

French fries are the devil.

My Sunday night story

I didn't think I'd be writing anything about the start of the new year until I had my very own "celebrities, they're just like us" moment at the grocery store.  You know at the back of People magazine or US weekly where they show celebrities walking their dog or putting gas in their car segment.. and you're supposed to go WOW it's like they're LIVING MY LIFE!  Or.. something like that.  Anyhow so without boring you of the details of my Sunday night, we went to the grocery store to get bread and lunch things and suddenly I pass this really tall guy in a black and grey lumberjack looking jacket and baseball cap.  He looked right at me for a moment and while a normal person would have smiled, because that's the polite thing to do, I likely had a funny "heyyy..." face because I was either having a stroke or I was looking right at Ryan Gosling.  In the vegetable section of my Fortinos.   In the middle of processing this, as if he was answering me, his face made a friendly "no.. you don't really know me in real life" expression.  I appreciated that since it's the Canadian thing to do: don't make people think they're crazy.

After he passed I paused before I said anything to Sean because I still wasn't 100% sure even he would believe me, but luckily he stuck around the store to finish his shopping with his family so we got a good look again.  AKA Sean went to go see and I hid in the baby food isle just in case he thought I was stalking him.  Sean really enjoyed that.

Folks.. I am the worst at playing any situation cool.  Ok maybe not the worst since I didn't embarrass myself or bother him but I'm definitely the worsts cousin, pretty bad.  Never challenge me to a no smiling contest, no blinking contest, or poker if I am aware of all the rules; because by god I will screw it up.  Pay for groceries with a straight face?  Fat chance.  This is literally the picture I tried taking at the check out.

Where is Ryan Gosling?  He's standing exactly where the blurry monitor is... SUPER FAIL.

Our cashier asked me if I seriously just took a picture (she seemed unimpressed he was there, or upset he didn't choose her line) and I replied, of course I did!  haven't you ever heard of the Bill Murray "no one will ever believe you" stories?  I have.

You saw him in the video room so that means he wants you on the team.

Clearly I haven't died, I'm not writing from the beyond... in fact, I don't even know where I put my Ghostwriter notebook.  In retrospect that is probably the reason why I only solved like one case.

What actually happened to the website was a drunken bear crashed into it causing huge technical difficulties and my Dad asked if I'd like him to resolve it and I told him to take his time.  I thought it was a really good idea to maybe take an indefinite break.  Also I tend to share too much about the holidays and I didn't see how the world would miss one less story of my grandmother making me 'table flipping' angry due to some comment I can't even remember, which I silently pass through a part of my brain that by now is likely a huge tumor.

The holidays have been pretty exciting; a first ever Christmas School Play, a 6am Star Wars Christmas morning, the first year we spent in Port Dover with my family and taking a huge schoolbus of us and the kiddoos to see the Simcoe lights.

I also got to see Andrea for the first and last time in 2010.  If you're not in the know she is one of my best friends ever.  I made some Blackbottom Cupcakes for the occasion, cappuccinos, egg nog and cinnamon (I am apparently an unofficial Starbucks location for 2011) and we hung out pretty much as if I saw her last week.  It was a lot of fun for me.

You know what? I had such a great Christmas that if you do in fact think I robbed you of at least one more story about my grandmother for the year I'll give you a late present.  It's a good one.

When I lived with my grandparents naturally they would buy all my clothes, taking into account it was the 90s there was still a certain point where I wondered if she just hated me by what she chose (I, of course, could never pick out anything appropriate for myself).  There is a picture in existence of a 12 year old me attending my cousins wedding in an ivory pants-suit and button down pink silk shirt.  She though it looked 'smart'.  Doesn't the knowledge of that just make you smile?  I wake up in a cold sweat every once in a while dreaming was accepting an award on behalf of Michael Jackson.


Yet I still did this to my kids.  I hope one day they forgive me because it's flippin' adorable.

Firsts

Happy 1st birthday to my Little.  From a tiny warm basket of laundry and sunshine to my sweet bouncy chewy little monster.  It's been a great year.
xoxo


Your proud Mama

Things that don't make sense

1.  I love this shirt.  Love it.  I wish I could wear it for my birthday.

Heartbreaker Top, in Peacock by Of Two Minds

2.  but it's $324.


Those two things just don't make any sense to me.  I like a shirt that costs what?  Does it know that it's not even a sweater!?  Or a leather bag?  I feel like I should at some point understand women's clothing.  Is this going to be on the test?

Rescue from the Coffee Lagoon

I have never read mommyblogs, satirically written or otherwise, but I have to say if I DID read them then I'd definitely put Bedtimes are for Suckers on my list. I liked most of the posts but this one was pretty funny for me personally since our table is a freaking mess most of the time (what isn't.. actually). In fact, since I have Monday's for just me and my little Gabey, the table presently has a shrine to Ethan's trains.. just as he left them this morning to go to school. God help me if he were ever in an accident and I went insane and decided we were going to preserve his things exactly as they were until he returned home. We'd literally have to leave the house as it would be functionally unliveable.

The funnier part of the post was my being unaware that I really dropped the ball on the "LOL look what a mess my kid made" photo! And oh, I do have one, of sorts. I'll show you in a minute. First, it is the simple fact that my blog is not about being a mommy; that's way too specific.. my blog would only dream of being so focused on something! It's so high on goofballs there is no way to ever know what it's about.. and believe me, I've been asked!

That being said I assume someone familiar with my overall personality would believe I'd totally find all of that stuff precious and super funny.. but that just isn't the case folks. I'm extremely dull when it comes to fun via disastrous messes. I do not know why since I would love to have a parent like that.. but no, I don't seem to ever reach for my camera. If I am making a motion like I am looking for something at all it's probably patience. Anyone see my extra set of patience? I was sure I had it in the kitchen last. Like the time Ethan was 2 and he found the Peneten diaper cream, and painted himself and our dark hardwood floors with it. I sat there after cleaning him, with a knife and other various small tools for 25 mins trying to get that white waterproof goop out of the tiny cracks it filled in between the floor boards. I did not think of getting my camera once; how odd. But yes I do have one "LOL look what a mess my kid made" photo.. it exists! Ethan decided he was going to make it snow indoors.

In the process he antique'd himself with baby powder and the best part is this was all about 30 mins before my grandparents were coming over. I didn't intend him to be wearing a UFC shirt by the way, but it was pretty appropriate for this picture. It looks like he knocked down a wall to get that water bottle.


I admit I did find one thing he used to do pretty funny.. constantly rescuing Diego from the coffee lagoon.

Oooooo nooooo!

Then I remember the time I found him on my suede chair, somehow finding and then biting a pen in half... blue ink everywhere... I did not know whether to be afraid or somewhat impressed with that one. If only everything could be the coffee lagoon, I could start a website called stuffinmycoffee.com

Frightening Search of the Week

It's been an extremely long time since I've highlighted a search of the week but I had to seriously pause at someone finding my site by googling "having babies in the shower"

Since this website has nothing to do with that I feel it's my duty as a human being to answer the query ..non-judgementally *ahem* the shower is not the place to be having babies. I don't care if you heard it was the new cool way of having babies from trendy moms on the internet; if you'd like to have a baby in the shower I'll advise you there's no need to be a hero.. go to a hospital. They have showers there too if you're insistant upon having a baby there. Or in case you were looking for stories of ladies accidentally having babies in the shower.. don't worry, it'd be easy to step out and call yourself a cab if that were to happen.

If that search had nothing to do with that and was about an actual 'baby shower' somehow, you need to take a course on how to Google for the future. You aren't doing it right.

Chapter 5: Sonofa..

On the cover of Time Magazine...?

If my life was in actual, real chapters, because I thought I was famous enough for more than 10 people to read about my whole life and decided I needed to get super rich... I'd call this next one "Fucking Bitch Who Stole My Leather Jacket". Just kidding.. I have no idea what I'd call it probably other than you're not going to believe this bullshit. I was reminded of said chapter of bullshit, consisting of about a year or so of my life, by some innocuous thing like buying a certain kind of pasta side dish at the store. Yeah, really, pasta.

It's not as if I ever actually forgot about it but I may as well have being as disconnected with it as I am. When I was 13, a situation conspired where my family basically sheltered a 15 year old runaway girl until she turned 16 and therefore somehow not wanted by the police. She ended up staying longer than she was welcome. We'll call her Tiffany for the purposes of my story. My name is still Ann-Marie by the way.. in case you thought this was some kind of skit I was doing.

Anyhow, the specifics don't matter unless you'd just like me to give you a good hour of reading about why I should have never escaped therapy, but while I essentially lived with this person she had decided we were going to be best friends. 24/7. That wouldn't have been terrible if she wasn't a complete freak who, unlike a real best friend or sister, tried to make things like showering with me to save time or dating a family member of mine seem like "totally normal" shit .. which nobody else seemed to be present enough to notice WAS NOT NORMAL SHIT. You know, like that episode of Twilight Zone where everyone is a pig face and is horrified to look at a normal face. Well Tiffany, the giant gap toothed 'pig face' who did end up stealing my leather jacket when she left, liked to make this one Butter and Herb side dish from a package for dinner basically every day and I accidentally made it for dinner a couple nights ago. I couldn't eat very much. I am 28 and I am not ready to eat that pasta. I may never be ready to eat that pasta. It's shitty pasta anyway so I don't even want to buy it, it was on sale, so she can go fuck herself.

Did I just scare you all? Anyone? Bueller? It was only a summary chapter, everyone, if I actually wrote the whole thing.. I would have surely swore about 800 more times, at nobody. Ahh, I know the perfect way to end this post the way it deserves. Cunt.. balls..

Happy Hallowe'en!

I have had fun getting to the point where my now 4 year old "decides" what he'd like to be for Halloween, based on his likes.  I won't ruin the surprise but this year it has something to do with the 3 weekends full of all day SpikeTV reruns of a certain trilogy of movies.  It might rhyme with Bar Floors.  His Dad could not have been happier.

It made me think of my favourite costume decision when I was young: "business man" which was, in fact, just me dressing up as my Dad.  I so wish I had the picture from that year.. I think I was 10 or 11.  I literally wore one of his suit jackets (he's not the biggest guy in the world) and a red tie, gelled my hair all the way back and carried a briefcase with a HUGE cell phone in it.  I think I was going for his "Prudencial Insurance" days.  Oh and my mom went crazy with the eyeliner and penciled in black eyebrows, a mustache AND beard.  Picture that going to school.  I am constantly thankful that growing up, my own opinion was the only one that mattered to me.  It's a gift I can only appreciate now, knowing how the world is, and one that I would love to be able to give to all my kids if I could. Dressing up as my Dad was the coolest :)

I hope everyone has a safe, fun and costume-terrific evening!

Playing with Cars

Heard of the RIP Walkman playlist?  Sad, I guess, if you like to give human qualities to things like electronics.. and who doesn't?? in which case IT'S DEAD AND NEVER COMING BACK.  Or you could say on the bright side I had fun making a 90s playlist on 8 tracks.  

I have always loved how some music you love is a little like time travel.  

Sunshine

I thought the world could use a little more sunshine today, so I'm sharing mine :)